GTA: VICE CITY K-Chat Script FAQ (PS2) ursafly By ursafly Updated: 7 Feb 2013 6:17 am Posted: 23 May 2003 2:01 am =============================================================================== Author: dark52 E-Mail : dark522002@hotmail.com Version: 2.1 Type : Full Script for K-Chat Radio Station Game : Grand Theft Auto: Vice City - UK Version Website: www.geocities.com/darkgta4 __ __ ___ __ __ __ __ ___ | / | | || | | | | | ||| | | |/ ~ | |__||__| | |__ | | /||__| | |\ | | || | | || | \ || | | \ |__ | || | | __||__ | \|| | _ ____ _____ _____ ______ ___| | / _ || _ \ |_ _ || __ |/ _ | | | | || |_| | ___| || | | || | | | | | | || _ / | _ || | | || | | | | |_| || | | | | |_| || | | || |_| | |___ ||_| | |_|_____||_| |_|\_____| |_____| _ \__ | _ _| |___ | |___ _____ _____ _| |___ |_ ___|| _ || _ || ___||_ ___| | | | || | | || |_| || |___ | | | | | | | || | | || ___|| ___| | | | | | |_| || | | || |___ | | | |_| | |_____||_| |_||_____||_| |_____| _____ _ _ _| |___ _____ |_ _ || | | ||_ ___|| _ | ___| || | | | | | | || | | | | _ || | | | | | | || | | | | |_| || |_| | | |_| || |_| | |_____||_____| |_____||_____| | / __ __ __ __|__ | /| | | | | | | | | | / | | |-- | | | \| |/ | |__ |__ |__ | |__ | ============================/== / =============================================================================== -----------------------------------(1) Contents-------------------------------- =============================================================================== 1 - Contents 2 - Intro 3 - Contact 4 - Updates 5 - K-Chat Script a) Mr Zoo b) AD1 - Pit Balm c) AD2 - Just the Five of Us d) Mr Zoo: On the Phones e) AD3 - Pastor Richards Statue f) AD4 - Maibatsu Thunder g) Gethsemanee h) AD5 - Farewell Ranch i) AD6 - Exploder Survival Knife j) Gethsemanee - Coven Leader Phil k) AD7 - BJ Smith's Fit for Football l) AD8 - Domestobot m) BJ Smith n) AD9 - Musty Pines o) AD10 - Knife After Dark p) BJ Smith - Comeback q) AD11 - Degenatron r) AD12 - Salivex s) Claude Maginot t) AD13 - D'Leo and Turax u) AD14 - Ammu-Nation v) Claude Maginot - Phones w) AD15 - Maibatsu Thunder x) AD16 - Advice about Reds y) AD17 - Pastor Richard's Statue z) Thor aa) AD18 - Medallion Man ab) AD19 - Synth and Son ac) Thor - Phones ad) AD20 - Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts ae) AD21 - Think Your Way to Success af) AD22 - Complete the Look ag) Jez Torrent ah) AD23 - Farewell Ranch ai) AD24 - Giggle Cream aj) AD25 - Complete the Look ak) Jez Torrent - Pools of Pain al) AD26 - The American Thing! am) AD27 - Pet Stuffers an) AD28 - Sissy Spritze ao) Michelle Carapadis ap) AD29 - The Military aq) Commercial Break ar) AD30 - Yuppie and the Alien as) AD31 - BJ's Used Autos at) Michelle Carapadis - Callers au) AD32 - Giggle Cream av) AD33 - Exploder 6 - Links to the Past 7 - Thanks 8 - Copyright =============================================================================== -------------------------------------(2) Intro--------------------------------- =============================================================================== Right then, this guide here was written for absolutely no reason except I have completed Vice City to 100% (woohoo!) and had a bit of time on my hands. As this is the first version of the script, there will most likely be hundreds of spelling errors, words missing and maybe even whole chunks of conversation missed out. Since the station has no start and just keeps on going round and round forever, I have decided to start with the first person you hear on K-Chat when you start a new game, which was Mr Zoo when I was playing but might be random. =============================================================================== -----------------------------------(3) Contact--------------------------------- =============================================================================== To contact me about all the mistakes and things wrong with the guide simply email me at dark522002@hotmail.com with a subject similar to this: K-Chat script and I should respond or mention you in future versions of the script. If I have made any huge errors with things then tell me and I will credit you with it! (At the end of the guide as fitting each person into where they helped would massively disrupt the script) Oh, and one last thing about e-mailing me, I won't even thing about opening any e-mails without a subject to do with K-Chat script or Vice City as I have been getting loads of blank e-mails which I don't want. Thanks to anyone who has sent me an email that has actually had anything in they are very much appreciated. =============================================================================== ----------------------------------(4) Updates---------------------------------- =============================================================================== December 29th 2002 v2.1 A few mistakes corrected and after realising that I had the whole thing written out twice, I have removed the copied bit to make the file more readable. Very sorry if it confused you. December 19th 2002 v2.0 Ahh, complete and utter stisfaction. I have finally completed the K-Chat script! I thought that it would have taken longer but the parts seemed to go by faster then ever before. Anyway, this might be the last update unless there are enough corrections to require a new edition. Thanks for reading and goodnight. I will still take all corrections and stuff so keep sending them in! December 15th 2002 v1.4 Finally got back into the swing of things with this script after taking a few days off with my new Walkthrough on GameFAQs (was already on IGN) to add some stuff to that. Anyway, with this one then. Finished off Thor (I hate him!) and all the ads till Michelle Carapadis. Done some of her talking (not much as yet) as soon as both her sections are complete (and the ads in between and after) the script will be mostly complete (except for errors of course) so Merry Christmas again! (10 Days to go!) (and 6 sections to go!) (plus I slightly redid the ASCII thing again but not much) December 10th 2002 v1.3 Well, large update today, added the whole (still a few corrections to do but it's mostly done) Jez Torrent script given to me by Psy and is the biggest contribution by anyone! Thanks! I have also now completed the Claude Maginot section and have started with the Thor bit, but that may take a while as I have got quite a bit to do for it. So all the way to section ac are done. Today I have scripted over 20 minutes of the show and I expect to do more by tomorrow. Just 12 sections left to do (part of it is the Thor script and Jez Torrent last bit) December 1st 2002 v1.2 Merry Christmas! (Or at least in 25 days, but still) I have now added the start of the Mr Zoo conversation (as when I saved in the game it had just started) And added all the info for all the different conversations and adverts. Just got the dialogue for 29 more sections to do but 19 already done so the script should be finished by next Sunday. November 30th 2002 v1.1 Finished up with all the way to BJ Smith's conversation. Still got the Thor, Jez Torrent, Mandy and Michelle Carapadis bits of K-Chat to do! Nearly there now! Only a few days till the script is complete in sections (though correctness in words and stuff will probably take a while longer) November 29th 2002 v1.0 Added a lot. Rest of Mr Zoo talk and half the Gethsemanee bit. Listed some stuff after that as filling spaces which people can send the bits into if they want! That's it really. Made a few alterations to the original bit but not much. =============================================================================== -----------------------------------(5) Script---------------------------------- =============================================================================== ___________ | | | a) Mr Zoo | |___________| Amy: So, hello everyone and welcome back to K-Chat. Vice City's main place for things. I mean well, it's a place in Vice City where things go on like interviews or things or other things like that. But at the moment it's interviews! And I'm Amy Sheckenhausen, the best interviewer in Vice City and exclusive to K-Chat. Remember you only hear Amy on K-Chat. Our next guest is a man on a mission. And that's why he's got such a silly name. His mission is simple, zoos. His name is Mr Zoo. Mr Zoo: G'day Aim. Amy: Hi Mr Zoo. Mr Zoo: Hi, the name's Pat, Pat Flanerdy. But I love zoos, I really do. That's why they also call me Mr Zoo. Amy: OK, and which do you prefer? Mr Zoo: Ah what darlin? Amy: Which name, Mr Zoo, or Pat Flingerthingy? Mr Zoo: Ah, I don't mind babe. Whatever you fancy. Fine by me as long as we talk about animals. I don't give a damn what you call me. As long as it ain't Sheila or something. Amy: Ha, ha ha, you're silly Mr Zoo. Why would I call you Sheila? Mr Zoo: I don't know love you tell me. Amy: Ok, um, this is getting confusing. It says here your name is Mr Zoo, and now your saying your name is Pat Flanagum, and now you're saying it's Shelia? Mr Zoo: Uh, doll, the name ain't Sheila, that's a Sheila's name. It's an Australian joke. Amy: Okay, oh right. I don't speak Australian, do I? Mr Zoo: I guess not sweetheart. Amy: Ok, well, moving on. You're Mr Zoo? Mr Zoo: That I am Amy: Cool And I here you've made quite a name for yourself, why's that? Mr Zoo: Because I love animals Aim, animals. And publicity and stuff, and I love animals I love em Amy: Me too! Mr Zoo: That's the thing babe. We all love animals but we don't know too much about them, that's what I'm here to tell to you about, that and myself of course Amy: Of course so, right, what about animals? Mr Zoo: Well its interesting right, but not a lot of folks realise that we're 90% the same as a fly a cockroach or a pigeon that's the new science out there called Genestics, I think which is going to be real popular real soon. So what it tells us is all animals are pretty much the same, from a genestical level. Amy: Oh cool! Mr Zoo: Damn right its cool babe! You know what that means don't ya? Amy: No I haven't got a clue! Mr Zoo: It means we've all got to start caring for one another like family. Amy: OK! So let me get this straight, like my brother is a cockroach, and my dad is a pigeon and my mom is a fly. Is that right? Mr Zoo: Well sort of genesticallistically speaking but your bang on love. And you know what that also means? Amy: Uh, no. Mr Zoo: That you could literally speaking marry any animal you wanted and have kids unless your married already babe, you ain't married are ya? Amy: No, I just split up with my boyfriend he didn't like me being on the radio. Whatever. Said I sounded stupid. Mr Zoo: Well that's my point love, I mean, imagine if you'd been out dating a wolf or a cute little deer he'd protect you and stuff, urinate to keep out intruders but he wouldn't mind you being on the radio, wouldn't mind a bit. Amy: Why not? Mr Zoo: Wolves and deer's have no concept of jealousy of someone else's success. That's the Genestistic variation between homoerectus and spider monkeys. Jealousy and fur and stuff. Amy: Oh. Mr Zoo: Oh indeed sweet thighs, oh indeed. Would you like Mr Zoo to tell you something else? Amy: Yeah. Mr Zoo: Everything you learned in school was a lie babe, a lie! Take forology for instance. You were told sharks were dangerous right? Amy: Yes. Mr Zoo: Cobblers babe. They're frightened of you. They ain't gonna hurt you! Have you ever tried cuddling a shark, getting down and dirty with one, relaxing it a little? Amy: No. Mr Zoo: Well I have, and I'll tell ya its very rewarding Aim babe. Very rewarding indeed. Amy: Really? Mr Zoo: Yeah, absobloodylootly love! Once you've calmed it down with a little rubbin it's like a swimin puppy, real affectionate and stuff. Amy: OK, I'll try that! Mr Zoo: You should love, you really should. Let me tell you something else. Amy: Go on, go on. Mr Zoo: Well, this is something for the guys out there really. You know with a girl like, who ain't got a clue, I mean a female human, when she's on heat and ready to mate, looks like been a cool girlfriend no human when she ain't on heat. And would throw a drink over your face if you grabbed her behind and start trying anything intimate. You can't tell the difference. I know that only too well. But Take a Fawker monkey from the jungles of the Philippines, when she's on heat, her behind sticks up and glows bright red and she makes a sound a bit like this (Mr Zoo makes a crazy screaming monkey mating call) and any fool or thing that can tell she's ripe and ready for action, certainly clears up any confusion. Amy: Yeah I guess it does. Mr Zoo: Or a female Black Widow spider, now, they eat their mates after the deed, as they say, is done. Amy: Uegh! Mr Zoo: Yeah, I know! That certainly puts things into perspective doesn't it? Amy: I've never done that. Mr Zoo: No, but you can now because you're the same! Well more or less the same. I mean that's the funny thing about my work, about Genestetics. Amy: Oh God! The world is so complicated. Mr Zoo: There are also lots of tiny differences between animals, you know what a species is don't ya honey? Amy: Yes. Mr Zoo: It's an animal, which has other animals, which are quite a bit like it. A dog is a species but a cat isn't because there's lots of cats. However, I've discovered out there in the wild loads of new species that regular science practiceborror pressed blokes who have laboratories haven't even known about. Amy: Really? Mr Zoo: Really I have. There's a hornypat bear named after me, Pat right? Exactly the same as a regular bear only it's got a big horny growth hidden right down its groin area. You gotta reach in and have a fiddle about and then you find it. Completely different it is. I was amazed when I found it. Amy: I can imagine. I was amazed when I left the hairdressers. Mr Zoo: No wonder darlin. All the double gutted patree monkeys exactly like a normal tree monkey, except it's called after me and if you have a rummage around inside, goin in the back door, you discover it's got two digestive tracts, two, amazin! Really profound it was. Amy: Ooh. That's gross! Mr Zoo: No Aim, it's the science of Mr Zoo, gettin down and dirty with animals. Because I love them and I hate life. Amy: Okay, it also says here you like zoos. Mr Zoo: It's a love hate thing babe. Amy: That, that's nice. Mr Zoo: But I'm certainly an expert, I know what I'm doing and I'm not afraid to expose myself. Amy: OK, well I'm getting a little confused here why don't we take a break and when we come back take some phone calls, cos all the buttons are really flashing all of a sudden. You're on K-Chat! ___________________ | | | b) AD1 - Pit Balm | |___________________| Speaker: The science of evolution has uncovered many of life's mysteries like tadpoles or the pyramids. But the mystery of the armpit remains. What's it for? Why is it hairy? And why do men have nipples? But one things for certain, the armpit smells bad. Luckily there's Pit Balm. It's like Napalm for your skin or Agent Orange on your sweat glands. Pit Balm stops unwanted bodily functions in their tracks. It's as effective as sending GIs into a peasant village. When you're fighting the war against personal hygiene, bring out the heavy artillery. ______________________________ | | | c) AD2 - Just the Five of Us | |______________________________| Speaker: This Friday night it's the incredible sitcom that's captured America's hearts and given the whole country a new catchphrase. Timmy: But I'm 42! Speaker: Just the Five of Us! After a mix up at the adoption agency the Chesterfields came home with three zany new houseguests. Dad: Timmy, tidy your room and go to bed. Jimmy: I'm so sick of this! I keep telling you I've got a rare disease! I look 12 but I'm a 42-year-old investment banker. I wanna go out and get laid. Dad: Oh yeah and I'm Santa Claus. Now tidy your room. Timmy: Asshole! Dad: Shawn, our posh suburban home must be a welcome change from that alley you were sleeping in. Shawn: I really enjoy living here but there's not enough booze. Speaker: It's the funniest most touching half-hour on television. Dad: Charlotte, what's that smell? Charlotte: I set the couch on fire again. Shawn: Here I can you help with that. Speaker: And this week it's a very special Just the Five of Us where an attractive blonde lady tries to steal Timmy away. Timmy: Now you're talkin! Speaker: Just the Five of Us, Friday nights on VNC! ___________________________ | | | d) Mr Zoo - On the Phones | |___________________________| Amy: I'm on K-Chat, and so are you. If you're listening, I'm here with Australian animal lover Mr Zoo. If you've got anything to ask him, why don't you just give us a call right now. Mr Zoo: Yeah, great, give us a call right now and I'll tell you anything you need to know about animals. Amy: OK, who's on the line? Caller 1: Is that Pat Flanerdy? Mr Zoo: G'day, of course it is. Caller 1: And, and you're in Vice City? Mr Zoo: Yeah. Caller 1: What are you doing here? Mr Zoo: Promoting animals mate. Caller 1: Don't you remember the court case? Mr Zoo: Ah, get lost. Amy, uh, let's have another caller. Amy: Uh, oh, ok. Whose on line 2? You're through to K-Chat! Caller 2: Don't hang up on me Flanerdy you're meant to be in a hospital you sicko. Mr Zoo: Easy there mate. Hospitals are for people who don't feel well. I'm at the top of my game. Caller 2: Are you insane? Don't answer that. I know the answer. You're sick and insane and you need help. Mr Zoo: I've got a Visa mate, I've got a Visa. You can't touch me, I'm bonafide. I love animals. Leave me the hell alone or I'll come by your aquarium and feed you to the bloody sharks you no good by the book paper pushing murderer. Bobo would have lived if you'd let me in the tank. I could have cheered him up. I could have done. Stay away from me y'here? Name all callers k Aim? Phones are so impersonal not a two way conversation like the radio. Amy: Okay, um, who was that? Mr Zoo: Wrong number I think. Amy: No it wasn't. Mr Zoo: Yeah it was, a bloody wrong number. He wanted a plumber and a Chinese. I was speaking to him in Australian. Amy: OK, cool. Uh, what was that about the aquarium? Mr Zoo: Nothing babe, all in the past, long time ago. I was tricked into saying something I regretted. Amy: Oh, cool. That happens to me all the time. Mr Zoo: I can see that love. Yeah, big mistake, never trust a judge of a mental health tribunal, never. Only trust mentals. Amy: Ok, and what did they make you say? Mr Zoo: Nothing babe! Oh, it was a long time ago look. I brought a little surprise for you. It's a little female plague rat. See how relaxed she is with me? I've got special powers. She's a lot like a little Joey kangaroo in a lot of ways, you know what I mean love? Amy: What did they make you say? Mr Zoo: I've also brought a menacing trouser snake. Would ya like to see it? Look at this it's a little frog in my pocket. Calm as you like, not even awake. Awh he's died. Anyway, in this pocket I've got a baby dwarf giraffe I birthed this morning, see she's still covered in fluid from her mum's womb. Isn't that fabulous. Amy: Ooh that's brody. What did they make you say at the mental health judge? Mr Zoo: Nothing babe. Nothing at all. A long time ago it was a bad period in my life. I wasn't sleeping, I was heartbroken like a platypus. D'ya know a platypus only gets it bill after its mate breaks its heart by sleeping with its brother? I know all about that. I was crying my eyes out for weeks. On all kinds of pills for my nerves. Couldn't move, couldn't talk. I was chewing like a dove. Please darling, let's move on. D'ya want me to talk to a parrot? Amy: Now I'm really curious, what did they make you say? Mr Zoo: Ii love yoou! Amy: You do? I never knew! Mr Zoo: They made say I love ya! Amy: Oh, I made my boyfriend say it and he slept with my best friend. I think we're bonding now. Mr Zoo: Noo. We ain't bonding ya halfwit. We're miles apart. I hate ya! They made me say I love ya to Bobo. Amy: Who was Bobo? Mr Zoo: Bobo was the most beautiful creature that was ever on the earth. Ever at all, really beautiful. Amy: Who was she? Mr Zoo: He, he, he! Amy: Hey hey he. Mr Zoo: He was a dolphin. And I loved him. And I knew him properly. Those people could never understand. It's natural. We were identical. From a genstrocial perspective. And Bobo was really unhappy. Putting on a show every day like a circus animal. They thought they caught me doing something, but they never did, Aim, they never did. We were only cuddling. How can people take that the wrong way? Babe, they took me away and they locked me up. And Bobo died of a broken heart. Amy: He did? That's awful. Uh, oh. Just a second you sick bastard! Security! Mr Zoo: I love ya more then you imagine! Amy: Call the police someone, please help me! This guy is molesting animals. Ooh, it's gross! Mr Zoo: Babe, I only wanted to be loved. Properly mind and he's gone. Doc: Pat, it's Doctor Phillips. Mr Zoo: Get lost doc. I got out of confines. Me and me friends are travelling around in a black van and solving crimes and running from the Colonel. Doc: Pat, I'm coming in. Mr Zoo: Stay away from me! Doc: Pat, you've been a very bad boy, come on we're going home now Pat. Mr Zoo: Stay away from me, I've got a poisonous lizard in my boot he'll kill ya in two seconds. Other: Pat, please, we've been through this, you're not well. Bobo is dead. It's time to get back on the medication and start piecing your life back together. While locked up in a padded cell for a very long time, or until you die. Mr Zoo: Is it that time again Doc? Doc: Yes Pat it is. C'mon. Put on the straight jacket. Look, it's even got your initials on it. And swallow this. Mr Zoo: Oh thanks Doc. Did I tell ya I love animals and they love me? I got a message. Look for a wipe the china hand... Other: I'm really sorry about that. Pat is a very, very sick man. We rarely let the dangerously ill out of the society. And when we do, it's not always fatal. Amy: Okay, great. Doc in background: Get this crack head out of here. Sorry to be a bother. Amy: Oh, ah, um no bother. Doc in background: C'mon, don't bash his head. Amy: I never knew animals were so interesting. We'll be back after this. You're on K-Chat. Don't go away. _________________________________ | | | e) AD3 - Pastor Richards Statue | |_________________________________| Pastor Richards: Do yourself a favour and pick up your telephone, call now. 18669SAVEME what better place to witness 40,000 years of nuclear winter, then from the comfort of your very own ready nuclear bunker? When we raise 25 million we will build a 50 storey tall likeness of me. If we raise 300 million the statue will rotate so I can look over this great city and cast an evil eye on degenerates. and when the eminent nuclear strike occurs, those who put faith into action with sufficient generous contributions will join me inside the Pastor Richards salvation statue as we blast into space! Contribute to the Pastor Richards Salvation Statue Fund. Pick up your telephone. Call now, 18669SAVEME. ___________________________ | | | f) AD4 - Maibatsu Thunder | |___________________________| Speaker: Knights of the road, here's your stallion. The car for freedom. Backing: Freedom! Speaker: The car for hot excitement. Baking: Excitement! Speaker: The car for a man who is alone against the elements. Backing: The Maibatsu Thunder Speaker: The pride is back. It's the power of a compact. Backing: Looks small but's so big. Speaker: Fuel injected. Backing: Inject me! Speaker: Maibatsu Thunder. On the toll road of life you have to pay to prove you can. Live the emotion of the individual. Backing: Thunder! Speaker: The awesome power of nature distilled into one vehicle. Backing: Wow! Speaker: Because after you get struck by lightning, there's thunder! Backing: The Maibatsu Thunder! ________________ | | | g) Gethsemanee | |________________| Amy: Hello, welcome back to K-Chat! I'm a woman so I know it's important to discuss feelings. That's why we don't have any male hosts on this station. People open up more to women. I was telling my girlfriend yesterday if a woman were president we'd nuke a country every 28 days, ahah! In these times of trouble. Of international scary things that cause anxiety, people seek sole ice. Or is that solice? Oh my god. Some visit lady friends, others go to a bar. and a strange few talk to rocks. My next guest is the author of this book 'I'm Lovin' the Coven'. She sits on the board of the Vice City resna, renaissance committee. Get seminee? Gethsemanee: Gethsemanee Amy: Ah Gethsemanee Welcome to the show. Gethsemanee: Hello Amy! I brought you a crystal. Isn't it gorgeous? Amy: I guess so. If you're into shiny glass. I prefer lacy gloves. Gethsemanee: Amy, for many thousands of years, my people have been using crystals and gemstones to heal the sick. take the crystal and then when night is enchanting and the candles have been blown out. And the wind sings through the branches of the eucalyptus. Hold up your arms and sing: All dwee my sky sailing predgnant moon the gardets. Amy: The pregnant moon? What are you talking about? Gesemanee? Gethsemanee: Gethsemanee. Amy: Sorry, whatever, do you even have a last name? Gethsemanee: My compost coven named me Gethsemanee Starhawk Moonmaker. Trust me Amy. I'm quite accustomed to people persecuting us. It's been going on for thousands of years. Native Americans, they studied crystals, the ancient Chinese, Belgians, Superman! They all studied crystals. So why do you view it as so weird. Grab your crystal, hold it tight and close your eyes. You will be transported back 35 thousand years when the temperature of the earth began to drop. The tundra was teeming with animal life and small groups of hunters followed the free running reindeer and there, under the magnolia tree a woman breast-feeding a baby elk. Do you see it? It's nature. Amy: Ooh gross. You're one of those filthy hippies that thinks breast-feeding in public is ok. Well, uh, it's not. There are bottles of milk at the store, don't act like the cow. Huh! You really remind me of someone by the way. Gethsemanee: See Amy, you're putting the blinders of society on. We're all the same, I remind you of yourself, everyman and woman. Amy: Um, uhuh. No none of them. Gethsemanee: There're trying to outlaw nature. If I'm in the park and a nice gentleman comes along, I should be able to breast-feed him. Pretty soon everything natural will become illegal. It's really depressing. If I died right now would I get buried by a female priestess in a cave surrounded by my favourite tools and ornaments? No. There was a time when children were taught about their bodies about the goddess lady of the mammoths about the importance of the spiral dance clutching a bison horn under the crescent moon. At the bead and rock shop where I work, we have classes that teach the importance of feeding wild plants, shellfish and understanding ancient crop circles. Amy: Oh I love lobster. Gethsemanee: Have you ever tried talking to one? Energy flows from everything, even a tractor. my mother, moon, taught me how to trace lay lines with your bare feet in the dirt. Amy: Listen you're very weird. And you smell like petulia in compost and I think you might have a shot at a boyfriend if you shaved and got some gel in your hair and got some clothes that fit. I mean, please. Gethsemanee: Did Joan of Arc shave? I was given this fascinating pamphlet called Caucasian female body hair in American culture. Amy, I love you like my sister but honey, you've fallen prey to a sustained marketing soft that began in 1502 to convince women that underarm and leg hair was wrong. There's nothing more natural then this enormous bush I've got growing under each arm. Having hair is natural. What's that deal with Anglo Saxons? I mean go to England. The women there don't shave their underarms it's really quite attractive. You just need to focus your eyes to look for healthy signs and not the signs of socialised barbarism. Like shaving or wearing deodorant or birthing in a hospital rather then the open air like a wolf cub. Remember brother Romulus and Remus? Well phrased. Amy: I find this really interesting, not really but I say it is because I'm told to. I'll be back on K-Chat after these messages from our sponsors. _________________________ | | | h) AD5 - Farewell Ranch | |_________________________| Speaker: Howdy partners! It's 4:30 in the morning here at Farewell ranch. And it's time to get up and work the old cow. get up ya oaf! At Farewell Ranch, old people don't sit around stagnating watching game shows talking about the good old days. Sinking into the grave with a urine soaked mess. At Farewell Ranch they sweat and toil until the breaking point. Keep that miserable contemplation of mortality at bay. Hell at steering time, we'll work grandpa so hard he'll wish he was dead. At the end of the day he'll sit down in the blue grass eat a bowl of commemorative beans and enjoy a sing along at one of our nightly funerals. It's the cowboy's code. Work hard, don't shower and shine your boots. Right Norm? Norm: Ahh, my prostate! Speaker: Farewell Ranch, the only way to ride into the sunset. __________________________________ | | | i) AD6 - Exploder Survival Knife | |__________________________________| Speaker: It's the knife that saved America. If you liked the film Exploder, you'll love this enormous commemorative survival knife. In the handle you'll find all the things you'll need in any wilderness, disaster situation or jungle of your backyard. It comes complete with fishing line, needle and thread for sewing gashes back together. And an incredibly useful endurable toothpick Ho Chi: Tim, go on without me. I've got toffee stuck in tooth. Tim: It's okay Ho Chi, try this! Speaker: For those unplanned extended stays in the jungle, there's a saw for building your own hut, toilet paper and a fold out woman for company. As well as a serrated blade that can kill a man before he can scream. Tim: That'll shut you up! Speaker: The Exploder survival knife. It's the knife that saved America. Now it can save you. Other: This knife killed 25,000 people in Cambodia. Now you can too. _____________________________ | | | j) Gethsemanee - Coven Phil | |_____________________________| Amy: Whatever, I'd die if I didn't have sissies for ten blocks. Germs are like so gross. Oh, hi, I'm Amy and you're on K-Chat! Gethsemanee, I just can't get over how familiar you are. Gethsemanee: Oh right Amy, I real hope you read my book. The mysteries of the absolute can never be explained. Mother Nature knows more then all of us. That's what keeps people coming back for more. People are turning into zombies. A roof separates you from the sunshine in the morning, a bed separates you from the loving earth at night. That's what's so great about lumbee stings. When you're no longer repressed about the culture issues of making money, showering, wiping yourself after using the toilet. You can focus on the important things, do you travel Amy? Amy: Well, I've been up north to the theme park and last week I went to the beach. Gethsemanee: No. Really travelled. My coven has been meeting every Thursday, Saturday to prepare for a grand coracle journey. Along the same route we took when our people came from Russia and Alaska, along the bearing straight. Amy: What's a Coracle? Oh is that like a Maibatsu? Uhuh, I prefer American cars. Gethsemanee: No, Coracle. Cora, means Arabian gazelle, which we all know was the daughter of Zeus. And cle means gather grass and sew it together. A Coracle is a single person rowing boat made from lots of twigs from Ancient Briton. There are so many wonderful things you can learn from the Ancient Britons Amy. Like metallurgy and how to cauterise the womb when the bear has the arm. Everyone used to have a coracle Amy, even people who were scared of water. We're all about working to preserve the diversity of natural life. Re-use everything. Amy: Question. Who's this 'we'? Gethsemanee: My coven. Amy: Like witches? Gethsemanee: Uh, oh, uh, yes. But not like you think. We're just a group of people who believe in communal sharing and chanting a lot. And can't find husbands. Reading magazines, cloaks, wands, horned gods. Rubbing your skin raw with rocks. Dying of old age at 27. Crying in terror when it starts to thunder. And these are all the things our ancestors did. Since I found my new mind and body, things have really changed for me. Our modern society only celebrates a select few. Every woman and every man is a star in the sky Amy. Not just the ones who sing on TV or those people in the movies. I think I know what you need to separate your reflection from your true self. A Zen garden. Amy: Oh, my brother had one of those. And the federalies came. Gethsemanee: Oh, no, no, no. Zen silly girl. it's a little Zen box you draw pictures in. it teaches you things like that death isn't an end it's just a stage and also a beginning of a new journey. Amy: Do you have a leader in this weirdo cult of yours? Gethsemanee: Not a cult, a coven. There's a big difference. Yes our leaders name is Phil. Amy: That's a weird name for a leader of a group of witches. Oh hi Phil. What hairy legs you've got what with being a man who's a witch and everything. Hah, hah, hah, hah, har! Gethsemanee: Do not disrespect Phil. He teaches us the wheel of the year Amy. it's full of solar holidays and goes round and round and round. You can learn a lot from the sun and the moon. If you look at the sun for too long you can go blind. Meaning it is something to be respected. And the moon has a dark side, just like we do. And some people have craters and only a sixth of gravity. The ancient Britons knew the moon could breathe. We can change the world, rearrange the world. It's dying though Amy! And it needs some Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Like a swan or fish on a hook. If you take your nervous system seriously, if you take your organs seriously and explore them some really neat things can happen. Phil taught us that. he's been to Mali to meet with the village elders. That's why there's the ceremony of the knife. Amy: Oh great. Why does everyone have to be packing sharp things? Gethsemanee: The knife ceremony is very important and spiritual. It's an ancient one-person personal crisis. You say to yourself, I'm going to have a spiritual experience, or thrust this thing into my head. Life actors never rehearse and need no script Amy that was said by someone really spaced out and I'm going to say it again. Like the wind that keeps blowing or sun that shines with life. Amy: Will you please leave you smell and you talk really weird and you're just really gross. Gethsemanee: Not until I tell people out there become an internationalist learn oral traditions, learn to respect life. Make war on machines, marry your mother. Technology will enslave us. Buy my book! It's printed on bark! Amy: Ok, ok! Let's take a quick call. Hello, you're on K-Chat, what's your name? Emanuel: Hey, it's Emanuel from Prawn Island. I love the show. Yeah, I want to talk about technology enslaving us. You know that play 'In the Future there will be Robots'? Well that's a true story, in the future there will be robots. And I'm going to hack them all. I'll make them say funny things. You know I can move satellites around with my computer. Gethsemanee: Computers are evil. The Luddites of ancient Briton know this. That's why they destroyed the computers that created things faster and more efficient and took their jobs. Emanuel: Oh shut up! Computers aren't evil. It's the people that programmed the computers that are evil. That's a pretty big difference. I'm talking to you through a computer right now. In fact, I am a computer. Gethsemanee: Well anything that can think faster then me is evil. Anything which doesn't dance or sing or cry or wear a smock. You create your own reality. We're like the dust in the wind. We are golden. We've got to get ourselves back to the garden. Amy: Okay, okay, huh! I know who you remind me of! My aunt Susan! Oh, she was single too. Gethsemanee: I'm not single Amy. I share my life with a number of valuable partners, and we commune with each other in a non-judgemental expressive way. Amy: Old Maid, my mom calls her. Anyway, let's go to the phones. You're on K-Chat. Freddy: Uh, yes, thank you, thank you. That was great really interesting. I'm British you see. Gethsemanee: Like our ancient wood wearing queen. Medusa, meh meh medusa, uh uh uh. Freddy: Um, no, I think actually it was Bodice, but, but no, no, not, not really. I'm from Hampshire you see I'm I'm here on business. Gethsemanee: A wanderer! Freddy: Yes, I, I was wondering, you're you're a good witch correct? Gethsemanee: Yes, a white witch. Freddy: But you have a broom. Gethsemanee: Yes, it's ceremonial. Freddy: Supposing I'd been a bad boy. Like if I hadn't learnt my spells or something. Would I, I get smacked with it? Gethsemanee: Violence is wrong. Freddy: But you must hit Freddy with your broom. Freddy has been very naughty and not learnt his spells. Hit me hairy legs hit me! I deserve it! Amy: Prank caller! Prank caller! Sorry listeners. Somebody call the IRS. Who let that guy in the country? Gethsemanee: Yes, poor man, so lost and ill at ease. With his father son and mother nature. I hope he finds what he needs. Amy: And I need to take a commercial break. Geth good luck. Gethsemanee: Gethsemanee. Amy: Yes, I hope you find what you're looking for and I sincerely hope you, whew! Take a bath. We'll be back after this. You're on K-Chat. Don't go away! ______________________________________ | | | k) AD7 - BJ Smith's Fit for Football | |______________________________________| BJ Smith: Hi, I'm BJ Smith. In my long and illustrious three year career at the top of pro football. I whooped some serious ass and got paid for it. They didn't call be death in tight pants for nothing. When you've had such a rewarding career maiming others as I have, you know how to stay fit. Through running, wrestling, stuffing 20s down panties of foxy strippers, firearm training, an in days swoop and beating the hell out of your fellow man. That's what keeps me healthy. And now, using training methods, I perfected. It's going to work for you with BJ's Fit for Football. Watch those pounds fall off. I'm down to 300 pounds using exactly the method I demonstrated on tape. I mean, who are you gonna trust to get fit? A man who can rip your arm off and beat you with the wet ends, or an aerobics instructor who wouldn't' get drafted by the local hopscotch team? Hell no. BJ's Fit for Football, out now on Beta and VHS. Remember to win in a game of football, or life, you have to annihilate everything in your path in a blind rage. _____________________ | | | l) AD8 - Domestobot | |_____________________| Man: Ever since Linda started working, our kids are home alone. Linda: We tried hiring a nanny but she wanted health insurance. Man: Yeah right, that's when we got Domestobot. He's great with the kids. Domestobot: Mrs Lorrs, Tommy has some skinny magazines under the bed. Linda: And he helps us too. Domestobot: Would you like your drink portioned? Man: He's a great conversation piece at our special parties. Domestobot: Please move your car keys and the fun will begin. Linda: It's like having a personalised alarm clock. Domestobot: I've brought you a drink. Man: Ah, it's eight in the morning! Domestobot: I made it a double. Linda: Ah Domestobot! Speaker: Domestobot, he's three foot high, he only says ten phrases, he's the friend you've always dreamed of. order Domestobot today. _____________ | | | m) BJ Smith | |_____________| Amy: So, welcome back, and all that stuff. You're on K-Chat with me, Amy Sheckenhausen on Vice City's station for the stars, including me. And boys have I got a treat for you. Next up is a living legend. A man who won the World series single-handed. Known to his fans as 'Death in Tight Pants' and known to his enemies as 'Oh my God, I just got flattened by a truck, how is that fair?' It's sports legend, BJ Smith. So BJ, welcome! BJ: Thanks, it's a real pleasure to be here. Amy: Oh, I know. BJ: But one thing sweetheart. I never won the World Series, that's baseball. I play football. Amy: Yes, but it's all the same isn't it? BJ: Football and baseball aren't the same. In one of them you get bored during a five-hour game, you touch yourself a lot and start a massive brawl with players who are degenerates, egomaniacs and criminals. The others football. Amy: Yes, but it's all the same. BJ: No Amy, it isn't. Anyone can hit a home run. In baseball you stand around a field dividing your salary by 162. Waiting for some action. Talk to guy who just played an hour of football. he's been in the trenches getting Agent Orange sports drink poured all over his head to keep him from taking an innocent life. One of them's a game for men, the others a game for pansies who like wearing button-down shirts. They call baseball a national pastime? If that means making a million dollars by standing around all day? Count me out. I work for my money. Amy: Yeah BJ, just like me I can tell you. BJ: Yo baby, that's cool. I just wanted you to know what I did. Amy: I do. Gees, get over yourself. You must have a testosterone imbalance like all those jocks who shower with other men. You can't tell me you don't look at other people's business. BJ: Baby, I've played professional sports for fourteen years, including high school and I'm making a comeback. I'm a burger-bellied person I grant you, but I ain't got no testosterone imbalance. You got a little moustache you busting out looks like you shouldn't be talking about some hormone problems girl. Amy: Excuse me? What did you say? BJ: Oh, oh nothing, damn baby, you so ugly you make look blind kids cry Amy: BJ you better stop being a bully just cos I'm not into the jock scene. I like sensitive guys you know like actors of rock stars or that kind of thing. Not some great big hulking giant that has to tell everyone how important he is. BJ: Whoa, I didn't realise we were trying to impress each other here sweet thing. I was thinking we were here to discuss my new exercise video or talk about my possible comeback to professional football, not sitting here flirting with each other. I'm a married man, I'm on my seventh wife. Amy: So you've got a big family. All those wives, that's fantastic. BJ: Not really, you see I really like family, especially some show up you didn't know existed. I tell you, father's day, I'm scared to go to my mailbox. My big heart has caused me a lot of heartache for when you're a proper guy you can't always tell what other people are about. BJ has met some real manipulative people Amy: Seven wives, that's fantastic. BJ: No, I have one wife, I had six before that. Amy: So you downsized? Right? BJ: Yeah, something like that. If you want to win in life you have to change players. they can't play on the same team all the time. Amy: So, oh my god, isn't this getting intimate BJ, I feel like we are really connecting. BJ: I'd like to connect with you. Other men might fumble but I go up to the trenches like a dome. That's action for my video Amy: What are you talking about? BJ: As you know running a ball is like making romance. And one day when I was going for a touchdown, if you know what I 'm saying, I had a great idea. You see all these fitness videos on television? it's always that idiot fool in leotards prancing about giving it the skinny thing. And I say what is this? I mean what in the world is this? These people ain't fit. They don't even have a clue. When you're fit you know it. If you come into the locker room you know I is fit for football. Able to wrestle and pounce and hurt somebody for hours straight. That's what people needs, if someone comes and jack you ride, are you going to bust a aerobic move? hell no, but when you know how to grab another man by the facemask and twist him around and so you tear his ligaments in his back until he can never play again. That's some real useful everyday stuff. And I mean, I should know, I invented it. Amy: You know, I just don't want to talk about football any more. BJ: Well, take dating, or washing the car. What good is a leotard when you wash the car? Put a man in a helmet and a cup and he can wash a car any day in it. That's fighting fit for football. It really buries some program, the best way to get your body fit is to have total disregard for your body. Every now and then you wake up and come out of concussion saying damn, I look good. Amy: BJ, you talk funny. We'll be back on K-Chat right after these messages. ______________________ | | | n) AD9 - Musty Pines | |______________________| Speaker: Are you tired of your couches getting ruined? Man: Oh grandpa! Grandpa: I made tinkles again! Speaker: If you've got old people cluttering up your home. Why not send them to Musty Pines? We'll help bring back dignity and we promise it'll be the best three months of their lives. They'll enjoy bingo, complaining, mumbling incoherently, skinny-dipping and organ donation. And once a month it's our famous lucky dip medication switching night. Musty Pines is located at a luxurious location overlooking Vice City's state of the art sanitation facilities. You can still visit your old people, but now you have the comfort of knowing you don't have to. After they pass on to something better, guaranteed in three months or less, you can start enjoying their money. Finally, you can have quality family time again. Musty Pines, now you don't have to say goodbye. Drive thru service also available. ____________________________ | | | o) AD10 - Knife after Dark | |____________________________| Speaker: He was just the boy next door. Man: Well hello there Danny, I didn't know it was hockey season. Danny: Hey can I borrow a knife? Speaker: A deadly curse, a deranged killer, a small town in tears Knife after Dark rated R for retarded. ________________________ | | | p) BJ Smith - Comeback | |________________________| Amy: Eugh, that's gross BJ, stop hitting on me. Hi, I'm Amy and you're on K-Chat. So what do you need to do for BJ's Fit for Football? BJ: Well, Angela, anybody can do it. What you need is a real expensive gym, a team of trainers, medical practitioners, dieticians a big crowd and a caller who wants you dead, dead in the dirt. I mean a nasty blood sucking leech of a man who'd destroy you if you don't destroy him first. A man you'd like to set animals on, he's the enemy, and you'd sit in a box so the times just right and then you'd pounce baby, like a kitty Kat on catnip. I'll sack a man, pile drive him hard, again and again because if he comes my way I'll nail him every time. Amy: This video sounds like a lot of fun. BJ: Fun? Fun? You think it's fun when grown men cry in mortal agony when you're so scared about what you're going to do to a man you step outside yourself like an astral projection and The police go Kent state on ya and people cryin and bleedin and pouncing each other in the face, and that's just in the locker room with before the game. That's your idea of fun? Amy: Yeah, I, I, I guess. BJ: Yeah, mine too, that's why I'm making a comeback. I've been retired two years and I'll tell ya selling cars or appearing in soft drink commercials is not fun, compared to having 50,000 low IQ morons in Green Bay, or Tampa or Liberty City or wherever. Screaming and howling they want you dead just because you're playing for the Mambas. That's actualising the soap. Amy: Wow, that sounds interesting. Tell me about it. BJ: I'm doing that, I've bin doing, hey, wait a minute. Are you reading a book over there during this interview? Amy: No, no, I can hardly read, get on with it. BJ: I'm trying to sweets, you best listen. The comeback is a real deal. BJ Smith's six-year Pro Bowl MVP the man responsible for more broken bones then anyone since people had legs. I'm a Fiddler Crab you can rip my arms off and I'll just Molt and grow some new ones. Amy: Where? BJ: Right here, right now. let's get it on! Amy: Of course. I mean when? BJ: Soon baby, real soon. But, and don't call it a comeback, like the songs say I'll whoop your ass. And this time I'm doing it my way. Ignorant fools gave me nothing to work with. Amy: What owners are you talking about? BJ: The owners of the team. They gave me nothing. They the reason my marriage failed. I worked my ass off all those years, sweating blood, and and puking my soul out and they treat me like a tractor. Roll me around treat me no better then a dog. The guys that got hurt, they never saw a penny out of those mosses. Amy: That's just like Jade. BJ: Who's Jade? She a fox? Amy: My friend, she's a Goth. She got sacked for wearing makeup and an 'I hate Life' t-shirt to work and never saw a penny. BJ: She like um, football or something? Amy: She teaches Kindergarten, professionally. BJ: You know, I know a lot of players who need to go back to school after they finished playing. It's a tough life and you lose something. Amy: What did you lose? BJ: Hope, diction, something, it's brutal out there, Amy: That's just like Jade. Those kids are evil little brats. BJ: Listen, are you going to talk about your freaky friends, who dress like a funeral? I thought we were here to talk about BJ. BJ Smith. And I feel alive! I mean really alive! Ain't nothing more envigoring then holding a mans head in your hands and looking him in the eyes and saying I could kill ya in one second old man. And he says I've got a wife! And you say, give me all the money in your cash register. Amy: What are you talking about? Uh! BJ, are those muscles real? BJ: That's funny you should ask, cos the answer is yes. They ain't implants or nutin. Amy: Wow, you're enormous. BJ: Nah, there are some guys twice my size, but I'm quite, rich and angry, like a republican. Amy: So, oh, um, I see. Look, I ain't got anything more to say to you. And I can't fall in love with another guest, or I'll get sacked. So, let's go to the phones! Who's on line one? Caller: Hey Amy, I'm a first time caller. How you doing? I love your show. Sorta. BJ man, you're awesome. Here's my question. How'dya play that game against San Andreas with two broken legs? Ah, I can't believe I'm talking to ya. Wow man, I don't know what to say. This is the greatest day of my life. BJ: Well why the hell are ya calling in? Don't worry. I'm a professional. The method I used in the game against SA, is actually a part of my exercise video. When in doubt, go for the groin. I hope that answers your question. That's the problem with the public, fans. I get it all the time. Know what I'm saying? Amy: Absolutely. I get that all the time. People say, 'huh, aren't you that girl of the television in that show?' and I say, no, I'm the girl from the radio, I just look like her. Anyway, BJ, that's all we have time for for now. BJ: Thanks Amy, and um, look after that moustache. Amy: Ok. Thank you. I'll be back on K-Chat after these messages from our sponsors. Don't go away. ______________________ | | | q) AD11 - Degenatron | |______________________| Speaker: Are ya tired of dad? Boy: Dad, noone wants to hear your stupid Vietnam story. Speaker: Are ya tired of mom? Mom: Hi angel, do ya want to read a book or go outside? Boy: Nooo! Backing: Degenatron! Speaker: The arcade comes to your living room, only without the creepy guys offering to show you puppies. Kids: Awesome. Speaker: The degenatron, you can play video games just like you are in the Arcade. Kids: Excellent! Backing: Degenatron! Speaker: The degenatron gaming system plays three exciting games including Defender of the Faith where you save the green dots with your fantastic flying red square. Kids: Cool! Speaker: Monkey's Paradise where you swing from green dot to green dot with your red square monkey. Kids: That's red! Speaker: And Penatrator where you smash the green dots deep inside the mysterious red square. Kids: Wow! Speaker: The Degenatron brings arcade realism to your living room. It can even tackle quarters and a strange sweaty man comes by to empty the machine on Fridays. Backing: Degenatron! Speaker: Degenatron, fighting the evil of boredom. Kids: I'll never go to school again. Backing: Degenatron! ___________________ | | | r) AD12 - Salivex | |___________________| Speaker: Do you have dry mouth? Woman: I soor doo. Speaker: It protects your teeth, fights infection and lubricates your food. But what happens when you run out of saliva? Woman: Help me, I can't talk. Speaker: For personal dryness upstairs, it's Salivex. Woman: Wow, I can spit again! Speaker: Salivex is more then saliva in a can. Salivex improves consumption efficiency by 50%. No more half way cures like coating your throat with cooking oil to have that extra piece of cake, or bowl kitty litter! Woman: After a night out my tongue tasted like carpet, it was embarrassing. Now with Salivex I can eat a whole box or crackers, or lick my life partners... Censor: Stamp-Collection Woman: ...all night! Man: It's like having a Salivation Army in my mouth! Now I can suck a... Censor: Lollipop Man: ...for as long as I want! Speaker: Salivex tastes like your own saliva. That's because at Salivex's state of the art production facilities, we use salivation philanthropists who make Salivex all day. Salivex, when it comes to personal dryness upstairs, we're deadly serious! ___________________ | | | s) Claude Maginot | |___________________| Amy: Welcome back to K-Chat, my next guest is the star of the hit show, 'Just the Five of Us', where he appears as the rich father of a family of misfits. But more recently he's been working on a controversial theatre piece 'In the Future there will be Robots'. Claude Maginot. Welcome to the show! Claude: Thanks Amy, however, you have mispronounced my name. It's Madge, which rhymes with badge. Uh as in duh and no as in more then your. Maginot. Anyway thank you for having me on your show. It's always a pleasure to discuss my art Amy: Yes, you're so funny! now Claude, you're an interesting man, if you don't mind me saying so much, because on the one hand you're on the funniest show in the whole wide world, just the five of us, and on the other you do those weird theatre dance shows which aren't funny Claude: Yes, thank you technical school dropout, I'm sure sitting here talking all day is terribly difficult Juliard. In the future there will be robots is not a funny piece. It deals with the most important issues in the world today, love pain, suffering, skin tight pants and well stretched groin muscles. But see music has no name Amy, it's about depth and texture and the sense of community that emerges from the struggle going on within all of us. between man and machine, between the angel and the beast. It's as if Petrushka and Leonard Bernstein were in a ferocious dance competition with switch blades. That is passion my dear. Amy: Um, ok, so it's a bit like Just the Five of Us, what a show! I love Jimmy, he's so cute, even though he looks so young. Claude: I'd rather not talk about my complications working with, him. I'm a performer, I express myself anyway I can. While I'd never attempt to describe Just the Five of Us as anything other then worshipless pap I need to support my serious art. It's like stealing a boom box to do live interpretive dance. If I bring joy to people's hearts doing an interpretation of a tree in a park, who is harmed? There is a value I derive from art, as a man, as a creator, and that is this: Never overestimate the dreadfulness of the mass market, the degrading excess of the culture or the horror we all have within us. Amy: great, yeah, me too. but, as Mr Chesterfield you're so funny! what is it you say? not in my house. hah, ha ha! that gets me every time. especially after the drunken tramp you adopted has wet himself. Oh say it for me, please! Claude: As they say in France, matrise. Amy: Please! Claude: Not in my house. Please, I came on your fine show to discuss art not people that whore themselves out on the alter of commercial success dancing like a puppet alongside a genetic freak. Although I do that too. Amy: Ok, moody. So what do you want to talk about? Claude: Oh, I don't know, my performance at the Hollywood bowl perhaps. there are some that attend the concert inside. I am the concert outside myself. in the parking lot where we build bonfires and dance it comes back to the seriousness of my purpose. At a young age, I held puppet shows on the corner that had people weeping and lying down in the streets. It's about movement, about encouraging ordinary working class people that there's something enervating about modern dance performance. that seeing in the future there will be robots will change your life, no matter what your life's like now. Amy: So, it's kind like getting a new haircut? Claude: Yes, exactly. No! It's nothing like getting a new haircut you halfwit! This is movement! Watch my hand, yes movement! There's a manatee on stage see he cannot hear from the wall of vagna around him. We have lasers that shoot him down, cut him free, free his soul from the bondage of the past. and then on stage, we have snow that falls that represents love in all its forms. the robot makes a snow angel and we begin to cry. close curtains. Amy: um, ok. well, I love 'Just the Five of Us'! Claude: Please, please, please, enough! Five succeeds while Robots starve. Attendance has been poor. If I were opening this with the orchestra philharmonic de halap in Mexico, there would be riots in the streets with small children giving me flowers and weeping. here in Vice City they wouldn't know art unless it came as a tube of beef jerkey. The told me, Claude, it can't be done. Vice City is for sun worshipers and philistines. And I told them no, I told them, if I'm directing a work of commercial dross down there. I must save my soul with some serious art. But to be honest Amy, they were right. I feel ahead of my time. The best artists are ignored. I mean, surely, any right minded person would rather spend an evening watching the express the meaning of space. as they move delicately across the stage in the dance of desire and denigration then flopping around in a disco or a nightclub or sucking the electric teat of television. Amy: I know I would! Claude: God! I mean, what is wrong with you people? Amy: God my hair! Claude: What? Amy: My hair, it's all wrong, it clashes with my dress. Claude: Zeus, Sisero, Shakespeare, Floberce, someone please save me from this hell hole. my dear, you are so interent, I'm trying to save you, to save everyone. You don't see the art around you. Are you in search of Auld Lang Synes, singing Madame Butterfly on a window sill or relegating yourself to a cricket in Huckleberry Finn. I'm a movement that conquers love while you complain about your dress. Know you not how important my mission be? Amy: Right, cool, Ok Mr Chesterfield. I mean, huh, Mr Maginot. You've gotta hang in there. You're on K-Chat and I'll be right back. ___________________________ | | | t) AD13 - D'Leo and Turax | |___________________________| Speaker: At the law firm of D'Leo and Turax we understand that sometimes life throws you a curveball. We help our blue-chip clients get their lives back, after circumstances have conspired against them. Just listen: Druggy: It was an unfortunate accident what happened to my wife on that precarious cliff. D'Leo and Turax can't bring my wife back, but they made sure I didn't end up in the slammer. Man: I was unfortunate enough to be found with 15 kilos in my spare tyre. I was so mad at the auto repair shop that sold me that tyre, thanks to D'Leo and Turax the district attorney saw it that way too. Woman: I, I accidentally torched a Quick'E'Mart when my medication ran out. Hum, hum. D'Leo and Turax helped me and the community by insuring a healthy settlement from the Pharmaceutical company. Speaker: At D'Leo and Turax we understand the juditional system and will insure the truth is heard, no matter how improbable. We're not cheap, but what price can you put on truth? Call D'Leo and Turax today at 8669742333, that's 8669SHADEE. D'Leo and Turax accidents happen, and we'll prove it! _______________________ | | | u) AD14 - Ammu-Nation | |_______________________| Speaker: The store leading the fight against communism is having a blow out sale! Ammu-Nation has a wide array of peacemakers! Come by Ammu-Nation on Militia Mondays, exercise your second Amendment right and get 10% off all armor piercing bullets. We're the only gun store that let's you try before you buy it! Need anti-tank missile? We've got'em! Flamethrowers? Oh yeah! No credit, no problem! No money down, 90 days, same as cash. Shoot now, pay later! If you're in the 10 minute waiting period fire off a few rounds at the Ammu-Nation gun range, featuring faces of commies paint coats! Come by Ammu-Nation and register to win an anti-aircraft gun actually used when we whooped Australia's ass! This weekend is the Ammu-Nation Film Festival with free screening of the documentary Red Dawn! Ammu-Nation protecting your rights! ____________________________ | | | v) Claude Maginot - Phones | |____________________________| Amy: You're back on K-Chat with me, Amy, and my special guest. Let's go to the phones! Bruce: Mr Maginot, Bruce from Prawn Island here. Big fan of the show Mr Maginot. Big fan. Dude, I dunno about this robot thing it's weird. Is he really 42? Does he shop in the kids isle does he get on rollercoaster rides I mean, what's the deal. Does he pay half price at the movies? Claude: No comment, next caller. Amy: Oh my god, trauma. I meant that, that's my line. I'm supposed to say... oh god this guy is such a dick. Urgh, next caller. Oh, who's on the line? I mean, who's on line 1? urgh, What number is it? Who's on the line? Morgan: Hello Claude, this is Morgan. I'm just vacationing down here after finishing my doctoral thesis into images of young boys in post lapsarian Greece an erotic understatement in the few and contemporary baroque. Fascinating stuff. Mmmm. Amy: Do you have a question? I'm confused. Morgan: No, woman, I just wanted to tell Claude about my thesis and discuss his bleaker death in Venice streets period. Of course I have a question silly girl. Claude, I saw Robots. Big fan and that's praise indeed coming from me. I normally hate anything humanity has achieved since 1836, but one thing fascinated me. Claude, about the show, the pants, they were so tight, so fitted. how do you get such a marvellous close sequined figure hugging fit and still. Hmm? And were the sequins a reference to lasers? Claude: Yes, yes, my, my, I agree. Thanks for calling. That is an important question. You see, I'm an important person, and I especially think so. It is really important to see my form move through space in very tight pants. Or the effect is ruined. Interpretive dance cannot be expressed in baggy clothing. It's like a violin parade otherwise, why have a love story with a manatee and the lasers? It's very important. Amy: You're kind of creepy. You're nothing like you are on the show, you're so funny there, joking with the family, and putting out the fires started by the homeless guy, and starting group hugs. But in real life you're just plain creepy. You won't even tell us how old Jimmy is. All you talk about is Arty stuff which no-one understands because it's complicated, and how tight your pants are. Claude: That's not true. I also discuss love and passion and a manatee and the lasers. You my dear could use all three. You my dear are a philistine. I'm sorry, but this is one of the most degrading, debasing, horrific, unedifying, opportunistic things I have ever done in my life since that whole Rake's progress lawnmower commercial. I feel dirty, like I've just sat in something. Amy: You did, our last guest was taken violently ill. Claude: Yes well, such is the plight of radio. Rather then grumble like Leporello, or a Taxi driver about my duties cleaning the back seat. I shall bid you adieu. Amy: Okay, thanks Claude. Next we have a very important guest that doesn't dance like a weird jerk. We'll be back right after this. You're on K-Chat! ____________________________ | | | w) AD15 - Maibatsu Thunder | |____________________________| Speaker: Knights of the road, here's your stallion. The car for freedom. Backing: Freedom! Speaker: The car for hot excitement. Baking: Excitement! Speaker: The car for a man who is alone against the elements. Backing: The Maibatsu Thunder Speaker: The pride is back. It's the power of a compact. Backing: Looks small but's so big. Speaker: Fuel injected. Backing: Inject me! Speaker: Maibatsu Thunder. On the toll road of life you have to pay to prove you can. Live the emotion of the individual. Backing: Thunder! Speaker: The awesome power of nature distilled into one vehicle. Backing: Wow! Speaker: Because after you get struck by lightning, there's thunder! Backing: The Maibatsu Thunder! _____________________________ | | | x) AD16 - Advice about Reds | |_____________________________| Kid: *Laughs like a small baby* Mom: What's this I found under your bed? The only Engle's you're going to read is laura Engle's Wilder. Speaker: If you think your child might be a Red, here are some warning signs. The read compicated literature and have concern for their fellow man. They even like to share. Tell your kids, if someone approachs them with pamphelts about recycling, an invitation to a Labour rally, or showing any doubts about the fariness of our system. Then they should find a teacher or a policeman immediately. ___________________________________ | | | y) AD17 - Pastor Richard's Statue | |___________________________________| Pastor: Do yourself a favour, take both hands off the wheel and touch the stereo, do you feel the power? Ah yes friend, there' a lot of evil in this world, but there's also light. And I have been sent to shine a light on all degenerates, philanerderers, Liberals and other evil doers and expose them for what they really are. Don't waste your money on unnessacery and corrupting material possesions, give it to me. There's only one thing that will save you. A highly fortified structure in the shape of the most powerful thing on the planet, me. Degenerates will ruin this great city. In my wonderful book I tell of the impending disaster about to befall this planet, nuclear holocaust, plagues of flying rodents, the seas rising up and turning yellow. It is coming, it is written by me but you can save yourself. Contribute to the Pastor Richards Salvation Statue Fund, pick up your telephone call now, 1-866-9SAVEME _________ | | | z) Thor | |_________| Amy: Hi! And welcome back. If you're just joining us, you're listening to K-Chat, Vice City's only commercial talk station. The place where the stars shining conversation with you and me. I'm Amy Sheckenhausen my next guest is a rising star in the world of Norse Mythology. He's appeared in several best selling Informercials and travels the globe speaking at corporate training camps. His books and audio casstetes are sold around the world. He's Valahla's finest diety and motivational speaker, Thor. Thor: Hi! Hello Amy, I'm happy to be here, it's been a long journey. Amy: Uh, yeah. Now I don't know much about you, I mean I read Beowulf, well, I didn't but I read the cover. But like, you're a Viking right? Thor: Did the tunaskin-goatskin boots give you a clue maybe? I am a Viking. And a Viking that will not only help you unleash the fury's but unleash yourself. It's in my Thor's Norse Power Program. Amy: Okay, I'm a little confused. Well, I'm a lot confused. I was taught in school that Vikings were bloodthirsty and violent! Thor: An elder once taught me, you must unlearn what you have learnt. Of course then he died of the green plague. There are some Vikings that are a bloodthirsty lot yes. But no more then anyone else, really. We're a nomadic people Amy, we have cold fire in our soles. You have that fire too Amy, you've just lost it since you got in television. Now, that being said, I'll answer you question. We're mostly non-violent, though many of the Vikings travelled to Scotland. And min ya, anyone who goes there will turn bloodthirsty, you can't understand the lot are saying. It's all afore, reckle, aboot, dinnea, it's enough to make you want to burn a village to the ground. That's why in my casstete series, I talk about the importance of communication. You see Amy, men and women live in different worlds. We use different words. A group of men talk about what they've killed, how to start a fire, who ahs the best longboat. Women talk about keeping the longhouse tidy and their feelings. When I'm raiding a village I don't need to be talking about feelings, it's time for action! Amy: Great! So is that all there is to being a Viking? Pillaging? Thor: No, lass, no, pillaging and battle are important but we admire poetry as well, as long as it's poems about whacking someone in with a doublehanded battle axe. What's holding you back Amy? In Chapter 3 of my book I talk about listening to the blood thirsty water spirit. It's really quite important if you want to enter Valhalla. Amy: I think I went there last night! Uh, no, umm that was Malibu but it's the same sort of thing. Valhalla was that goth club wasn't it? So 1983. But right, what does being a Viking have to do with anything? This is the 20th century. We have elecricity, penecilin, jet planes, implants, well, I don't, but I want some, but I heard the operation is really grose. You live like it's 982AD or something. Thor: Mind your toungue whench, lest I cut it out. Deep down all of you listening to me say Thor, yes, I'd like to unleash the Viking within. Maybe you go camping every year or hunting, and wonder why it feels so natural. That's because it is, so much as denying your instincts. Men shaving you know deep down in the pit of your sole you wish you could crouch in the grass with flies biting your face afraid to move for fear of alerting the beasts. Covering yourself with Yak urine to thwart your smell, then a beast draws close, you pounce, bringing your battleaxe on it's skull! Man and animal at that moment, one and the same in a terrible beauty. Then you drag the carcase back to camp and celebrate by eating it's heart! Some people they only do this once in their lifetime, I do this everyday. And so can you, all it takes is some positive thinking. Just atend by Unleash the Norse Within weekend. When you are finished you will say, I am a God! Nobody can stop me! I crush my enemies and dance on their funeral pyres. This is very helpful for living in suburbia Amy, and I should know. Amy: I really don't understand how. Thor: Oh, it's very helpful. Maybe a neighbor is tossing leaf clippings on your lawn, looking at your woman, or harboring desires regarding your longboat. You enslave his children, set his house on fire. He shall not bother you again. Amy: Huh, it must be nice to have you as a neighbor, not. Thor: I live in no place longer then needed to fulfil my goals, taking slaves, valuables and food. Goal settings is very important Amy, not just in football. Amy: You're very wierd and creeping me out a bit. But whatever, no weirder then anything else. So what do you think of Vice City? Thor: Ah, I like it very much. Your women here are prepared for battle. They are large, not like the scrawny things up north. A woman who eats well provides for her man. You cannot set sail for robbing and pillaging on an empty stomach. It's like the story of the Parson's Wife and the Troll. Amy: I don't think I've ever heard of that one. Thor: Great Carloson. Ye mainlanders have no historical perspective. Read the runes! It's all right there. Talk to a grandparent. But no, you cast people out like rubbish. Wisdom is not to be treated so lightly. When my father grew old, I sat with him day and night absorbing his wisdom. Learning about the demons and where the wickedness presides in men's hearts. And as his time grew near, I built a large pyre and burnt him and his wife while communing with old spirit. Amy: Careful. Musty Pines is a sponsor of this show. Uh, grody. What are you doing? Thor: I'm just adjusting myself she devil. Wearing these animals hides does get a bit itchy. Amy: Um, okay You never answered my question. What do you think of Vice City? Thor: Your land and people have a lot in commomn with mine. You see, we too fled our homes due to lack fo food, over population and the bitter cold, and my gee starting out to raid passing ships is fine. But we needed a new land to have our way with. Granted we rode and sailed to an area, land and forest and burned down a local monastry or village. Whereas you come in, destroy all the creatures and sell palstic versions of them. You did a fine job pillaging these lands. But you should have something about Canada. Amy: Wait a minute there buster, my mother's half canadian. Thor: Oh, what are you going to do wench? Sweep the ice furiously at me? Socialise medicine? Nah, you did it all wrong. You should have continued to the north and finished things off. I talk about this in me motivational learning tape. That and beware the magpie. She's the devil. Evil raineth when darkness falls. Amy: Are you married, you seem like a tough chracter to live with. Thor: Ay, my wife Helga. What a hag. Amy: This show is not sexist. Whatever certain bearded women might say. Women are people too. I'd appreciate if you wouldn't talk that way. Thor: Ah! Go live in a chimney ye troll! Ye 20th centry women are all the same. And me hag Helga, she felt pradiy up in her ways. She says to me, Thor I ain't having no mead no more, I'm going to meetings. See, that's ye problem. As soon as you sort something out, you have to go preaching from the rooftops to everyone else, how to live, not pillage nor plunder no more, but live in boxes. Then she says, Thor, I'm getting my stomach stapled I look fat. I now fat as two yak skins when previously it was only one. I said, whench! Dont' come crying to me when we're in a longboat crossing the straights for two moons adn you're all skin and bones. A man needs something to grab onto. Aye, ain't her fault. A cursed pizie goblin got her. Amy: Pixie Goblin? What kind of weird ancient nonsense are you talking about? Now, Thor, I've got to ask you, how old are you? Thor: I'm as old as the fjords and as a young as a new born lamb. Amy: Are you shy about your age? Just lie about it like my mom. Thor: Thor is never shy! Thor is mighty, THor is a god! Amy: And where are you from? Thor: From the beggining of the flat earth where the sun meets the sky. Amy: Oh right, by the beach, great. Let's take a commercial break, we'll be right back with Thor! he's a real Viking! Yeah right whatever. __________________________ | | | aa) AD18 - Medallion Man | |__________________________| Fernando: Hello, I am Fernando Martinez, I think by now you know I am an emotional kind of guy. People stop me in the street and say, Fernando what the hell is wrong with me? Silk-shirt, hairy chest, enough aftershave to drown a household pet, but I still cannot get a woman. And I tell them, you are an ignorant fool. Without the symbol of power and fertility around your nexk, What knid of woman is going to respect you? That's why I've teamed up with Medallion Man, the shop for medallion needs. Medalion Man caters to all levels of masculinity, for the strong silnet type a medallion the size of a hub cap will say everything that needs to be said. Even singing medallions for the Casanova who knows music is the food of love. My old drains, thal houses, dipers, whatever your interest, we've got the medallion for you. Don't forget, every woman knows, if you can't support amedalion, you can't support a family. __________________________ | | | ab) AD19 - Synth and Son | |__________________________| Speaker: We have some sad news for you.. Rock & Roll is dead, and pop is in! Why not discover the excitement of the science of music yourself, at Synths & Son - the home of keyboards! Thanks to the science of music, you don't need musical talent to make great music. Just listen... I created that, just by pressing a button. Synthesizers are the new way! Why work hard on difficult compositions, when a machine can make music better than you've ever dreamed of? You'll be the hit of the party! It's perfect for in restaurant entertainment, cover bands, and funerals. Make fuse funky, and death marches danceable! It's the science of music at Synth & Son. Remember - you don't know your a great musician, until you try! ___________________ | | | ac) Thor - Phones | |___________________| Amy: We're back on K-Chat, with me, Amy, and my guest is Thor. Viking Warrior and self help guru. Do you have last name? Anyway, what were we talking about? Thor: We were talking about the wsidom of the ancients. There are many hurdles in life Amy, I remember one of the first bit of fanmail I got. It came by bottle in the sea. A man of loolard island said, a tiny woman came to our farm and swept in front of our door, a woodland troll has carried off my woman in the dead of night. Give me wisdom Thor! Amy: So, what did you tell him? Thor: Hi Amy, it was obvious the black plague had visited his home. As sure as you can't be a midwife to a fairy, expect wisdom from a fool, or find a good meal Downtown on a Saturday night. Amy: Ok, I don't um I really have nothing to ask you. Because I really don't think we're bonding quite right here. I'm more then a little confused. Let's go to the phones! You're on K-Chat with Thor! Jay: Yes hello Thor, my names Jay. I'm a huge fan man. Your book really helped me through puberty. Everyone else was into vampires and stuff. I'd just got into the Viking thing it's pretty cool. It's been working pretty well for me. Anyway, my girlfriend and I, we fight all the time. She's always calling to check up on me. It really totally sucks, it's a drag. Like I hang out at the stripmall with all my boys, and she shows up. Is there any advice you can give me? Thor: Ah yes. There was the man that asked for a nights lodging at a certain farm on the eve of Maunday Thursday, or maybe it was fat Tuesday. Anyway in the course of the night the old woman of the house took that a hortnet sab and smeared herself with it from head to toe. She then climbed on top of the stove, sat astride a sweeping broom and began to... Amy: Uh, hello, excuse me. What the hell are you talking about? Thor: Reading from the Runes whench! Amy: What kind of rune is that? Thor: Ah, it's a man's rune and not appropraite for the warrior under 18 years old. But there's a moral at the end. Are you still there fairjay? Jay: Ah yeah. I'm still here. Thor: Do you love this woman? Amy: Yeah, I, uh think so. She's really special. Special in the backseat if you know what I mean Thor. Thor: Then behead her! And parade thy love around on a stick for the world to admiree. Jay: Wow, cool, thanks Thor! Amy: OK I'd like to throw you out but you've got an enormous sword and uh, arh, yeah. Let's take another call. But first listeners, Vice City, remember don't behead your girlfriend and take her head around on a stick. Hello, you're on K-Chat with Thor! TJay: Hey brother. My name is TJay. Your book is fresh. Real fresh. Like it's been a real inspiration and all that. it's most definately on me and my crew's vibe. And that Loci brother, he as slicker as Slaivex. You know what I mean trooper? In fact, me and my boys have started a Thor fanclub. You know what I'm rapping? We're on your vibe man. Thor: Aye, a Thor fanclub. This pleases Thor very much. I shall speak of myself in the 3rd person from now on. TJay: Uh, uh, yeah I wasn't really into school all that much. But I hear you Thor. So anyway, we have this fanclub right, and instead of naming it something like The Vice Lords of Valhalla we gave it like a, a modern name, keeping things firmly in the '80's you know. The Bloods. Ain't that off the wall man? We follow your teachings to the letter sir. Especially how you go around smiting fools with that wildman hammer of yours. And getting people to know exactly what time it is. You hear? Thor: Have you a magic hammer? TJay: Nah T, we don't have any olden types round here to strap us with superfly hardware like yours. But we do have Mac 10s, Tec 9's, Tray 8's StreetSweepers and all that. Are you still on my vibe man? Thor: Aye, I like the sound of this. Me thinks I want to join your group. Do you pillage proper? TJay: Hell yeah, we do it like a viking. You ought to come party with us. We'll even make you a hounaray Blood. Word. Thor: Ah, indiscrimitave pillaging. This is, as we say, the school of old. When I am done with the whench, we shall meet. Till then beware the Frost Giant, TJay and the serpant with two tounges. TJay: Uh, yeah, ok whatever, yo brother! Where did you land that funky fresh silver helmet of yours? Those wings on the side are wicked money! Amy: Stop calling me a whench! Thor: I have much to teach you whench Amy. Only if you would listen. For many centuaries people have asked questions. Why has my fadded calf gone after the gypsie woman appeared? Are there trolls living in my chimney? Aye sure, I could tell you the story of twelve children on the platter or the midsummers snow. And the spirit hatched from the cock's egg. But in the end Amy, you need a spirit journey. A wandering spirit demands a wandering body. Take a longboat. Pack only what you can carry. Head toward the moon at high tide. Amy: Ok thanks for the advice. And with that revelation, I'm going to have to change topics. That was Thor viking warrior. Coming up next, we have another guest. We'll be back, right after this. ______________________________________ | | | ad) AD20 - Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts | |______________________________________| Speaker: How do you like to enjoy a Rusty Brown's Ring Donut? Man: I like to lick lovingly around the outside and then trust my tounge in the middle. Woman: I like to munch it vigourously. Man: I just love the batter, all over my face. Man: On Friday nights I just can't stop eating Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts. Woman: Oh my god! it's so good. Man: Sometimes I like to wear women's panites and walk around 5th Street. Speaker: When you go Downtown, make sure you enjoy Rusty Brown's Ring Donuts. ______________________________________ | | | ae) AD21 - Think your Way to Success | |______________________________________| Jeremy: Hi, I'm Jeremy Rowbar. Entrepreneur, VIP and founder of the revolutionary program Think Your Way to success. It's a three step program that's been changing lifes, and my income, for the last two years. Five years ago, I was a nobody just like you. After my Think Your Way to success program I spend the entire weekend in my jacuzzi. Or engaging in the exciting sport of domino toppling. Hey, if you can think it you can do it. One of my award winning courses is sure to be perfect for you. The first course is I call, Think, Hold that Thought, Complete because that's what you do. Step two is known as Learn, Start doing, where I explain the mysteries of starting. Or take the new excellerated course that'll have you laughing and higgin strangers. Motivate, Demonstrate, then motivate again. Just listen to these endorsments. And remember, these people volunteered. They aren't being paid much. Man: I've been on the Think, Hold That Thought, Complete program and I have to say, I'm finally gonna start my career as a well paid rich person. Man: Yeah, I've been thinking my way to success for a while now. It's some good stuff. Jeremy: Call now and sign up for my Think Your Way to Success program, and if you want to think really fast, try my Krank It Out program. Call 1-866-434SELF. Hey, don't just do it. Think about it. ______________________________ | | | af) AD22 - Complete the Look | |______________________________| Speaker: Sweaty leather tracksuit? Absurdly fat day glow laces? Something missing? Backing: Complete the look. Speaker: Complete the look, with a replica car sign insignia on a chunky gold plate chain. At Vice City's one stop shop for people who know how to put the hip into hip-hop. Backing: Wow, you look fresh. Speaker: Complete the look. _________________ | | | ag) Jez Torrent | Massive Thanks to PSY who wrote all the Jez Torrent stuff |_________________| out! (I added the names but that's it, Psy did the rest) Amy: God, can we play more commercials on this station, this station in about me. what? oh, hmm, Hi, I'm Amy. So right. We're back, I'm here with like, oh my god this is so exciting, but now I'm here with Jez Torrent, a Rock god all the way from Scotland, England. So Jez, I'm sorry as you can tell oooooooh, I'm a really huge fan of love fist Jez: Hey, hey, hey, hey, Dinnae say sorry babe, you are a woman of substance and I like that Amy: Thanks, yeah, thanks, that's cool, and oh, Jez, who is that thing with you? Jez: Dinnae mind Mandy, I think she's zoning out a little bit aren't ya man, look she's gotta take me 24/7, you know what I'm saying, poor lassie she's had a torrent of Jez more than one girl can take eh, say hello man Mandy: Hi Paul, angle, where are we? Jez: err, the rock lifestyle hasnae been to good to her, man just go away and sit in the lobby until I'm finished hen. Mandy: Check the fridge Amy: Is she ok, I mean apart from being an UGLY CHEAP COW, she looks half dead. Jez: aye, she, hey, hey, hey, seriously man dinnae cramp my style, I'm an artist Mandy: uh, heh, ok jezzy, so Jez, I was listening to your album on my boom box all weekend, like how is it, aaah, I mean you know, you're really, totally famous, no way, I mean, uuuuhhh like, so anyway, How. Are. You? Jez: Cool Man, I'm cool, things are good, u cant O.D. on love, and I have tried. The tour is really something special, you Americans, you really know how to rock and roll man, not like back home. Amy: I'm so confused, is that because the new album didn't do so well in the UK? Jez: It's that thasher thatcher, I sing about working class people, trying to make it through a tough life, I sing about the things they want, trashing hotel rooms, wearing glitter on your eyes, and waking up in a ditch next to a totalled sports car, when you make minimum wage, love conquers all, no what I mean Sheila? Amy: uh, the names Amy, heh Jez: Aye right, what ever. like as was sayin man, right, I'm an artist, I ain't in this for the money, if I were, would I be wearing these clothes? it's because the critics don't know, you know, they stand there and they do not know, have they ever really listened to the lyrics to Burry Me Deep Inside? eh, if the music isn't what they want to hear, if the songs, ain't the right songs, you know, if things aren't in their space, or whatever, right man, u know that's my choice you know, because I am love fist and the thing is right they're not, and if they don't get it, and if they're not riding my wave that day man, well, you know, I ain't gonna go crying puppies, just because their dog is teething you know, as far as these idiots are concerned I'm a man, but I tell you sweet heart I've been over to the other side baby, and man, oh, man it's beautiful, but these idiots man, they've not been there Amy: Ok, riiiight, this last album wasn't you're best selling, was it. I don't even think it charted in the UK! Jez: What is a chart man? A piece of paper, bring that to a concert and I'll set it on FIRE. I ain't no Ronald Regan of rock babe, album charts are the metaphor for human isolation, and the break down of interaction. I say its time to ROCK. right Mand Amy: Right jimmy Jez: That's right, because I say it it, because sweet heart (Mandy - I left the stove on) man, I am love fist, the biggest band in the world. Amy: Yeah, but you and Dick, and Percy, and Willie, you're all love fist, the four Scottish horsemen of the apocalypse, fist till morning, take it on the chin, Zinked Efficiency, four boys against your face great tracks, what memories, and here you say you dedicate the album to the children of the night, who are they? Jez: No, no, no, no sweet heart man, babe, let's get one thing straight, here, hello, *taps mic* are we recording here, this is for the record right, testing, testing, testing, now listen. Love-Fist-Is-Jez-Torrent, I sing the songs sweet heart, it's my face on the merchandise, you see us in concert you see four men, rockin' and dancin' with tears in their eyes. you will see, I am love fist, he who pays the piper, plays the tune. Amy: Oooohhhh, I didn't know you had a piper in the band. Jez: Love, I was talking metaphorically, I'm a poyet, condensed meaning, enlightenment, we're a family living in death valley, but I walk alone, I am on a spiritual journey, and if Percy or Willie or Dick, or anybody stands in my way, the contract says I'll walk, I've been dragged back, and held down, and embarrassed by those guys, but you know, its part of being in a band man, like wearing make-up, Amy: Yeah, but wasn't Percy voted guitarist of the year by Kerrap Rock Monthly? Jez: Look, I love the whole bit with the fuzzy guitar bit, but he's over rated love, right, without the torrents of abuse, love fist would be over, and the new contract reflects that, as an artist it's really important that I make a lot of money right Mand. we need to keep you and you're fringe and you're diamonds and that, eh? Amy: yeah, rock on, keep, roger, what a trip. Jez: ah, shut up ya silly tart. Amy: Uh, let's take a caller. hello, oh, ooh, wuh.. you're on the line with love fist. Hi Wayne: Yo, this is Wayne man, hoh, Hey guys, I'm on the phone with love fist, Hey what's up Jez, I'm a huge fan, I go to all of your concerts, I get crazy, I wear my love fist t-shirt everyday, even when I'm with my old lady, hey I heard there's subliminal messages in you're videos, is that true? Jez: Listen, seriously, the big hair, the limousines, the girls, the partying, the clubs, the hotel suites, another TV smashed into a thousand pieces right, after my unfortunate incident in Cleveland, I told the press, I don't like Mondays. This livens up the day, if you're asking me if we was using bat mask, the music is reversible, but time is not, do you want me to say, Congradulations you have just discovered the secret message, dreams are made to be broken, like so many broken dreams, I want to pick up the pieces together, god.. I am so creative, love, oh wow, I think I've just wrote a song. Maybe I'll write a song about you. eh. but anyway, like I say, that stuff it doesnae matter, not for me , I'm a spiritual person on a journey, right, and nothing will stand in my way, you know. Wayne: Boy, do I. on the track Satan's Pillows, you sang about how a broken heart Jez: Bout how a broken heart can't ever be mended, just broken again, I know, really powerful stuff, emotional, I think that song says everything that needs to be said about love man, when you belong to the night, its best to take advantage of it, and what takes you up, will take you down man, if everyone remembered that, the world would be ok, thanks love, you are a real smart cookie. Amy: Thanks Jez, now, do you think it's important that, well, I mean, you're a great looking guy, even though you're girlfriend is a CHEAP TRAMP, but do you think that it's important that rock and roll bands look good? or is it about the music? Jez: Like I said, I'm a creature with two faces babe, you know, an angel and a devil. and that means it's really important to look good, music cannot stand on its own, you need to look good singin' it. I'm tired of people saying all we care about is partying, and that we cannae play, if we couldnae play, then people wouldnae come to our concerts, we're not going away, and if we do it wont be on purpose. Mandy: Where are we dear creek Jez: We're on the radio love, stop dagging me down, I told ya, if you ride a whirlwind, don't be surprised when the dawn breaks, anyway, where were we? Amy: AAAAAHHHH, she's really getting on my nerves, w..why are you waving your hands at me, oh, I'm supposed to go to a commercial, I'll be right back. ___________________________ | | | ah) AD23 - Farewell Ranch | |___________________________| Speaker: Howdy! Welcome to Farewell Ranch. They say the golden years are the best of your life, but for many seniors they just stink up the house and make the grandkids feel uncomfortable with unfound connection. Now, your old people can be earning you money and enjoying their final years at Farewell Ranch it's a working farm, cattle ranch and a crematiorium where the cowboys are all over 75. They'll enjoy rodeos, working in the fields and tending all the final resting places of their new friends on Sunshine Hill. Farewell Ranch works your loved ones from sun up to sun down. And when your loved one passes away we'll send you a presentation package, VHS with the spurs and boots they were wearing as they went onto a better world. Our residents sure love it here right Norm? Norm: Is this WW2. Speaker: Farewell Ranch. The only way to ride into the sunset. _________________________ | | | ai) AD24 - Giggle Cream | |_________________________| Backing: Gi,gi gi,gi Giggle Cream! Wa,wa wa,wa,wa,wa wa wa,wa wa,wa That's the sound I love. Man: Stop the morning, you make my night Woman: With Giggle Cream with everything, you make life bright Man: Getting tired of my faith, laughing and getting high Woman: With giggle cream, get the feeling, and what's more fun than that? Backing: Gi,gi gi,gi Giggle Cream! Wa,wa wa,wa,wa,wa wa wa,wa wa,wa That's the sound I love. Man: Giggle cream! It makes desert funny! ______________________________ | | | aj) AD25 - Complete the Look | |______________________________| Speaker: Asian pyjamas, chinese bandana. Something missing? Backing: Complete the look! Speaker: With a throwing star, kendo sticks, or nue chucks. At Vice City's one stop shop for the silent fashion assasin. Backing: Wow, you look like a psycho! Speaker:: Complete the look. _________________________________ | | | ak) Jez Torrent - Pools of Pain | Again, massive thanks to Psy for this bit |_________________________________| Amy: Hi, I'm Amy, and you're on K-Chat. Jez you were telling me about the music. Jez: Aye, You know, we wear these costumes to appeal to the working man, because after you spend a day working in a steel mill, you want to wear leathes clothes and play air guitar. That's what we're about, the recent album was a musical trip through hell, and I think it shows. Amy: Oh Yeah, it does. Jez: I mean, I saw Satan, he didn't like what he saw in me, he saw darkness, but also a gently side. ask Mand, I can find treasure in the dark. And its that em... its that eh.... err.. what's the word? Amy: Thing? Jez: Yeah, that's the thing that typifies me as an artist, heart and soul, head and trousers, everything, that's what you get at one of my shows, Jez Torrent and Love Fist will really show you, you know, we take the soul into darkness, bring your lighters, you know, I invented that, I've about had it with wankers ripping off my vibe, I wore women's clothing first, why? because it tells you about light and darkness, like the moon, but seriously love, you've got great eyes, really. Amy: Oh, heh, thanks Jez, I've always thought that your music really lets people see into your soul. Jez: Right into great big pools of pain like me, Dangerous Bastard, you see babe, I've had my heart broken and I am still a man, I'm working on a song right now called fallen stars on shattered dreams in the rain, its about being able to communicate through music rather than words, its set in a wind tunnel, that's why there's a huge snake painted on my jacket, the snake symbolises kind of a... subconscious power force, because, life is pain babe, and without music I'd be lost. This new album is our most mature work yet. I am brilliant on it, because I sing from the heart. Amy: About... Heart break? Jez: Babe, babe, babe, don't go there please, do your show a favour, take it easy, my people spoke to your people about this, and seriously, I appreciate the offer, and look, I would shag u, but you have to understand, its too soon. Amy: Because sherry left you. Jez: babe, babe, my people spoke to this about your people I said do not mention sherry, its like sticking needles in my soul, voodoo, who are you, are you my personal devil, that you could do this to me that pain is too much, I have hair on my face to hide my soul, Sherry had to go, because the wanted to be a marine. We couldn't be together, seriously, don't go there. Amy: ah, uhuhuhuh, uh, this is so sad *sniff* do you have a tissue out there, oh Jez, I'm so sorry. Jez: Seriously love, if you listen to the song dragon eyes, it says everything that needs to be said about her, you cant help me, its raw like a chickens head you know, the pain it grips you, and makes you think about everything. Its the longest night of all, December of the soul. Amy: Jez *sniff* This has been the best interview *sniff* of my life, thanks so much for coming on. For all of you love fist fans out there, its time for a contest. Jez: That's right, ladies, gents, you're listening to me, Jez Torrent on K-Chat being interviewed by, by, Amy: It's Amy. Oh god, you forgot my name? Jez: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Citizens of Vice City, now you've got the oppourtunity to win a part of me, my signature, ink. I only give away parts of me to people who have bought all our records. So you've got to answer this: On which album does Beast Fist appear? Was it a: Dog's on Heat, b: Fat Chicks, All Day All Night or c: Devil's Own Band. Amy: For the chance to win tons of Love Fist prizes, just answer the question. All you need to do is write the answer on a postcard and send it into the station. Jez, before you go, will you please play us a song acoustic? Jez: Piss off! Acoustic songs are for sissys! Babe, seriously, do not cramp my style. I've got to save up the love for the big show. Babe, I love you, I really do. Friends for life. Dancing in the fire and all that. Always good to meet a fan. Will you look after Mand for us will ya? Mandy: Aww, I lost my lighter again. Jez: LOVE FIST! Amy: That was the dreamy Jez Torrent of Love Fist who are appearing this week in Vice City as part of their world tour. bring your lighters and a spare pair of panties. I know I will. We'll be right back on K-Chat after these messages, thanks. ________________________________ | | | al) AD26 - The American Thing! | |________________________________| Speaker: What makes a real American? A cowboy hat? Enjoying a fine T-bone steak? Going to a baseball game? Shooting a gun? Maybe it's the freedom to go into a poor country and tell them how to do things! Heh! Those are all great qualities! But one thing that makes a true patriot is the ability to choose an American car. When you buy an import you take a hot meal off a hard working American's table. There, there! This poor girl is going to starve to death, just because you bought a cheaper, more efficient Maibatsu. Without gross symbols of excess, what will Americans have to look up to? Our great industries are threatened! Cars, pornography, armaments! And they need your help! So the next time you buy a car, a piece of adult literature or a missile defence system! Make sure you do the American thing! _________________________ | | | am) AD27 - Pet Stuffers | |_________________________| Old Man: Old Max. We go everywhere together. Right boy? Speaker: At Pet Stuffers, we know there's nothing like the relationship between a man and his dog. Sometimes you just can't let go. Old Man: Max, you didn't eat your food. That's the second week in a row. Max? Speaker: When the unspeakable happens, just put your four-legged friend in the fridgerator or freezer, then call Pet Stuffers! We'll be there within a week to pick him up and in less then a month he'll back as good as new. Through an Ancient Egyptian miracle process called Taxidermy you and your best friend will always be together. Old Man: Yeah, that's a good dog. Speaker: Pet Stuffers, when you just can't let go. And coming soon, Grandparents Forever! __________________________ | | | an) AD28 - Sissy Spritze | |__________________________| Backing: Higher! Speaker: The key to feeling great is looking great, and the way to look great is to have good hair - that's great! Backing: Take your hair higher! Take-your-hair to-the-limit! Speaker: Use Sissy Spritze when your clubbing, or sticking your head out of a stretch limo sunroof, you want to know your hair is performing to the limit. Backing: Higher! Gonna get higher than the stars! Speaker: With Sissy Spritze, it's hair for the future, not the past. When you have great hair, people know you're a winner! Backing: Gotta fly on my own hair tonight! Speaker: Sissy Spritze may cause dry mouth, dilated pupils, paranoia, heart palpitations and nose bleeds, plus your hair will be great! ________________________ | | | ao) Michelle Carapadis | |________________________| Amy: This is K-Chat, welcome back to the show. I'm Amy Sheckenhausen and next up, we're going to be interviewing someone who's got a lot to say for herself. A woman weho pretended to be a man and wrote a book about it. I haven't read it, but I'm going to pretned I did. She's professer of Anthrososiology and womens studies at the University of Vice City. And her name's Micheala Crapis. Crapadis. Micheala. Michelle. Hi, welcome to K-Chat. Michelle: hello. Amy: Hi, so michelle, you're a teacher? Michelle: If you mean professor yes i have a doctorate, teachers are homely women who make minimum wage to keep the teenage boys off the streets during the day. I am very intelligent and I'd rather talk about that. I'm trying to sell my book Amy: Ok, now it says here that you wanted to be a man so much, you dressed up like one. Michelle: Well that's a load of crap my dear. more massagenistic propaganda I hate men, can't bear them, I think they're a complete waste of time and space quite frankly and a disaster for the planet. Amy: Me too, I just got dumped. Michelle: Oh well it is unfortunate you measure yourself worth in relation to a man my dear. look at you. you could be an attractive girl. if you did some physical labour, cut your hair short, grew out your body hair and wore boots for example. You mustn't get sucked into their hetropatirarcy. Amy: But I like dating, having someone buy you dinner is great. Michelle: Well we'll come back to you and your problems accepting who you really are. Let's talk about me a bit more Amy: Ok, so, tell me about your book. you hate men a lot. and you dressed up like one, and now you've written a book about it. Right? Michelle: more or less. as i said I'm very itelligent so i don't expect you to understand my dear but I'll try to keep it simple. I've always been fascinated with the world of men, revolted of course, but fascintated. Now, as an acemdemic I can get paid to write a book about pretty much anything as long as I give it a complicated title. Are you with me gourgeous? Amy: Ooh, I think so. Michelle: Good, then hold my hand, it helps me think. Amy: No! Michelle: Ok, ok, sorry. don't be so weird. god, everywhere I go just like the university, won't let me display my beutiful and sensual woodcuts in the student comments. It makes me so angry! Where was I? Amy: You were talking about yourself. Michelle: Oh of course. The ego is a dangerous thing specially in my case, I'm a jungeon, anyway, so what I did was dress up like a man and enter into the man world. I can tell you it was more horrifiing then I imagined. Amy: What did you do? Michelle: Well, the first chapter, I was a roofer. These sexist spend all day on a roof talking about us amy. I was expected to sit around and talk about what I had done to women, of course I had to so not to blow my cover. Amy: So what's the name of your book? Michelle: Yes, as mentioned hitherto, my book has a very very obtuse title. Being and Seeing, From Freud to the Building Sites, a Woman's Journey into the Male Psychy. Amy: Huh? What? Michelle: I'll admit it's not very catchy. But Academia is not about getting to the point. It's about exploration. Amy: Ok, wow, I'm learning a lot today. Michelle: So I entered the world of men, in disguise of course, I was dressed like a man. Amy: Ok, and you haven't changed back? Michelle: What, what did you say? Amy: You're still dressed like a man. Michelle: No I'm not, these are my normal clothes. For gods sake Amy, don't fall prey to the patriarichy's evil fashion schemes! Amy: Oh, sorry. Michelle: Anyway, I learned a lot when I was a man. Did you know for example that during my time as a steelworker in Pittsburg, I learned that men sometimes speak crudely about women when they are out of earshot. I was horrified. Or that men regard some women, like you Amy, as mere sex toys. Things for their amusemtn. Unbelieveable! Or that men actually find sports intersting! It's appaling. And they run the world my pretty, oh yes, they run the world. Amy: They do? Michelle: Yeah. Look at Reagan, look at Thatcher, look at Gorbechef, when we stay home and bake cookies, well screw that sweetheart. Amy: Yes, I agree. Michelle: Good, don't bake a cookie, smash him in the face with a baking tray instead. he's a brainless dolt, he's a man. Did you know men enjoy looking at pictures of naked women, it's called pornography, it's sick and foul. I'm giving a talk about it this weekend at the women's centre. That's women with a y. Amy: Hah, I think you spelt it wrong. Michelle: Are you a woman Amy? Three of the five letters that make up your description are M. A. N. You're too dependant on men amy. that's why I don't call myself a woman amy. Amy: Um, ok. Michelle: I bet this radio station is owned by a man, white male conservatives monopolise the media selecting right wing blondes to proporgate conservatism. Amy: I don't have blonde hair. Michelle: Not yet Amy, not yet. Did you know men drink beer, smoke cigarettes and wear hats? Amy: Well, yeah. Michelle: Heh well, you must have read my book. I've discovered a lot of things. I was also a policeman and an untrained brainsurgeon. They're all the same, all women haters. Amy: Just because they like sports and hats, doesn't mean they hate women does it? Michelle: You self hating fool! Of course it does! The media, meaning you falsely portrays feminists as bra burners, out dated combat boot wearing, bad mothers. Why don;t you take your top off right now Amy huh? Tell them you won't be censored any more! Amy: No! I'm getting a little bit freaked out here, ah buh, hit the, buh _________________________ | | | ap) AD29 - The Military | |_________________________| Speaker: Do you in (interputed) we'll teach you how to make beds, march in squares, shine shooes, clean bathrooms, kill a man with your bare hands and do it all with pride. The military teaches you all the skills you'll need later in life. Call 1-880-BEAHERO. And become a real man today. ______________________ | | | aq) Commercial Break | |______________________| Amy: Why are you waving you hands? Oh, I'm supposed to hit the other commercial. _________________________________ | | | ar) AD30 - Yuppie and the Alien | |_________________________________| Speaker: This fall, a new hard-hitting police drama is coming to Friday night. He was a well to do cop, transferred to a trouble precinct, downtown. His new partner is a space traveller, with a passion for justice. It's Yuppie and the Alien! Captain: Look! You may vaporize dissidents in Alpha Centauri, but in this precinct, we do things by the book! Yuppie: I'm so terribly sorry, captain. Googan: Zagh! Googan sorry! Speaker: Don't miss this one of a kind police drama. They're fighting crime the hard way, in designer clothes, with a quarter of a million dollar sports car, and a UFO. Yuppie: Partner, let's go cruise in the car and look moody. Speaker: One tough, downtown precinct, two outsiders, doing things their way, Yuppie and the Alien, on VBC. ____________________________ | | | as) AD31 - BJ's Used Autos | |____________________________| BJ: Hi, I'm BJ Smith, tied in for the Vice City Mambas and proud proprieter of BJ's Used Autos. Cars from all over America come to find a new home on Florida, just like you. I moved here after the draft, football not Vietnam, even though they do have a lot in common, I notcied there was one thing missing from this great town, a celebrity endorsed used car shop. That's why I founded BJ's Used Autos. Everyone of these beauties has been freshly painted they look brand new. We have new models coming in every morning, usually around 2 am, we can get you anything, and if you see the car of your dreams, tell us, we can aquire it for ya! I've taken the skills I've learned as a pro football player to the used car business, smash grab and run like hell. BJ's Used Autos, I'm talking low prices with hot cars. ___________________________________ | | | at) Michelle Carapardis - Callers | |___________________________________| Amy: If for some reason you'd like to speak to Michelle Crapper, just give her a call on K-Chat, who's on the line? Caller: Michelle, hi! Peace sister. I'm wearing trousers, I haven't shaved or waxed in nine months. I left my broken hearted husband and baby behind. Now I'm living in a comune with a series life partners having quite simple amazing experiences, I got my inspiration from a lecture you gave last year. Thankyou so much. You taught me a lot. Michelle: Yes good sweetheart, but ask yourself, are you doing enough? It sounds to me like you're living a lie. Your life is still very man centric. You're still justyfying yourself by the I am Not then the I Am principle. I mean really, you might as well make his bed and clean his litter tray for gods sake. It's half hearted fools like you that give feminism a bad name. Caller: But, I, I even attacked by brother with the bread knife. Michelle: You showpony! Promqueen, cheerleader, skirt wearer. You see Amy, that's the thing about people, they're so halfhearted. Pick and Mix, not prepared to carry out their threats. That woman, that lady, as I bet she likes to be known, is really a self hater, a failure in a man's world. YOu knwo, why, I bet she's never attacked a man with a vat of boiling oil. Amy: But she said she tried to kill her brother. Michelle: Don't argue with me! I write books! Amy: Ok, next caller. Caller: Michelle, I'm a huge fan. Michelle: Are you? Caller: Yes, you've really change my life. Before I heard you speak a couple of times, I was getting into the feminist movemnet, but sort of in a silly way. Michelle: Really? Caller: Yeah, you know, burning my bra, beating up policeman, shooting my dad and stuff. Just fooling around you know. I really didn't understand the feelings I was having. Michelle: Ah, I know the wearsome troubles of the halfhearted. Caller: And then after listening to you, I realised what a load of crap it was. Michelle: Excuse me. Caller: What a load of crap it was. You can't hate men just because they're different, you can't hate anyone just because they're different. You have to work with them. Luckily I needed a moronically, pretentious, over educated hairless old heriden like you to show me how stupid I was being. I mean, we're all just people, and it's idiots like you who cause problems in this world in the name of reclaiming some false ideals. And going on and on about gender politics at rallys just so you can wear leather in public. Michelle: Why you missargenist. Caller: No, you're insane. You hate yourself because you're a failure, you're an appaling academic and about as interlecutal as a hermeriod, goodbye. Michelle: Well, uh, hum, well it's nice to see my work has stimulated such healthy debate don't you think? Amy: Uh, Michelle? She hated you. Michelle: Yeah, nonsense, the poor dear was in bits. Not very used to the cut and thrust of acedemia, I thought she expressed herself poorly and didn't know what she was saying. Proberbly burnt her husband's cakes or something. It's important for me to confront the differences and similarites myself and other women. I am smart, strong, I seek liberation. Your society imposes on me. Amy: God, this is all so confusing. Everything has two meanings. Michelle: Exactly, apart from the word through which has five. You can choose to be a victim Amy, after you read my book you'll realise that men are irrelevant. Can a man have a baby? Do I need a man to have a baby? No. We don't need men, we need more parts of town we can call our own, more parades, more gatherings of understanding where women can beat each other with pillows and practise judo. Amy: That doesn't sound like fun at all. Michelle: Oh shutup, I've had enough of you you little tart. Amy: That makes two of us. Right, listeners don't go away. When you come back we'll have a new guest and I promise they'll be more interesting then Michelle Crapartist. Michelle, it's been a pleasure, I'm sure we've all found this veryy illuminating. And why our beliefs were right in the first place. We'll be back right after this. _________________________ | | | au) AD32 - Giggle Cream | |_________________________| Backing: Gi,gi gi,gi Giggle Cream! Wa,wa wa,wa,wa,wa wa wa,wa wa,wa That's the sound I love. Man: Love the dairy goodness, prepared with toxic gas. Woman: Make detol real low, suck it have a blast. Man: You can buy it anywhere, cgrocery store or shop. Woman: Make sure you're in a chair cus your heads gonna block. Backing: Gi,gi gi,gi Giggle Cream! Wa,wa wa,wa,wa,wa wa wa,wa wa,wa That's the sound I love. Man: Giggle cream! It makes desert funny! _____________________ | | | av) AD33 - Exploder | |_____________________| Speaker: He was a man of peace, living on a quiet farm in North Dakota. Till one day all hell broke loose! Soldier: Tim we need you! Tim: I'm a man of peace, I'm done killing! I wanna raise a family! Soldier: That's just it Tim! They got your family! Tim: Noo! Speaker: Jack Howitzer is Tim in Exploder! From the heart of America to the jungles of Cambodia, follow one man's quest for peace. Tim: Ho Chi Vet is that you! Ho Chi: Tim I know you come! Just like old days we kill everybody! Soldier: Tim they got your wife! Tim: But I'm not married! Soldier: You are now, to America! Speaker: He went in to save his country, but found his family and lost a friend. Tim: Ho Chi! Ho Chi: Tim don't leave me! You thought me baseball game and how to laugh! Tim: Noo! He would have been a fine American. I'll cry when I'm done killing! Speaker: Get your self a body bag, strap your self in, start making friends the American way! Exploder: Evacuator Part 2! Rated PG, may include patriotic garbage. =============================================================================== ------------------------------(6) Links from the Past-------------------------- =============================================================================== Thanks to Forelli_boy I have started this brand new section with links from past GTA games. The first two are thanks to Forelli_boy: Freddy was that "nanny" guy from Chatterbox in GTA3. Mr. Zoo is known as Johnny Zoo in GTA2 who was a Yakuza boss! And here's some more: Maibatsu Thunder is a younger version of the Maibatsu Monstrosity Rednecks were a gang in GTA2 The Zaibatsu have a very similar name to the Maibatsu Thunder (probably) In the Ammu-Nation commercial they mention a war with Australia which is also mentioned in GTA3's Chatterbox The Morgan caller to Claude Maginot is the host of Double Cleff FM in GTA3 =============================================================================== -----------------------------------(7) Copyright------------------------------- =============================================================================== Copyright 2002 Alex Bates This script for K-Chat on GTA: Vice City may not be reproduced under any circumstances except for personal, private use. It may not be placed on any web site or otherwise distributed publicly without advanced written permission. Use of this guide on any other web site or as a part of any public domain is strictly prohibited, and a violation of copyright. All trademarks and copyrights contained in this document are owned by their respective trademark and copyright holders. This script may only be on GameFAQs.com and faqs.IGN.com and www.geocities.com/vicecity_dark52 (my new site) and www.geocities.com/dark522002 (my old site) =============================================================================== ------------------------------------(8) Thanks--------------------------------- =============================================================================== Right then, at this point there are very little people to thank for having anything to do with this script for K-Chat as it has only just been submitted. Anyway, here the sources/people I need to thank: GameFAQs for hosting this script for K-Chat IGN for hosting this script for K-Chat Rockstar North for making a great game with a great radio station in Dan Houser and Lazlow for writing the original script for the K-Chat in Vice City dr_evil1981 - for part of the BJ - Comeback part of the script lint6 - for pointing out a couple of errors in the script Psy - for the whole massive huge Jez Torrent section of the script which was almost entirely written by him. hendrix - for a mistake in the Mr Zoo section Thomas - for a correction in the BJ's Fit For Football commercial Cygnet04 - for informing me of a mix up with Agent orange thing Forelli_boy - for pointing out some mistakes Tony - for also telling me about some errors in the script Me, for writing most of the station out so far, And of course, you, the reader of the script. If it weren't for you then this script wouldn't be here, wait a sec, yes it would. Ah forget it! And that's all so far. Thanks to you though for reading the guide!