| The "Morality" segment of Pressing Issues begins.
|
| Maurice
|
Thank you, guys. So, we're back on Pressing Issues, just one of many fine shows you'll hear if you have the patience to listen to public radio, although, thanks to the many awards we have won, Pressing Issues has extended playtime and is the #1 rated show in the Vice City area. I'm your very entertaining host, Maurice Chavez, a man climbing the broadcasting ladder at a rate of 6 nuts. Six years ago, I was a clown, and now, I'm a success! (chuckles) Think about it, imagine where I could be in ten years? I could achieve anything. Anyway, morality. What is it? Why do we need it? Our ancestors, shortly after discovering fire, built tools to beat each other over the head, and discovered how to make meat to celebrate with afterwards. Then, Columbus came over, shut down the Pilgrim discourse. Why? All very confusing, if you ask me. And you did, and I asked myself: that is a perfect subject for a region-wide discussion show, which is very lucky because I happen to host one. To discuss the subject of morality, we have firebrand preacher Pastor Richards, the head of the Pastor Richards Salvation Statue Organization, a group which plans to raise enough money to build a statue of Pastor Richards himself. We also have Jan, leader of Moms Against Popular Culture, or MAPC, or is it MAPS? MAPK, uh, I don't know. We're deep in acronym hell right now, or is it purgatory? And, finally, we have Barry Stark, author of the book "As Nature Intended". He's the editor of Vice City's Naturist News, and is working fieverishly, it says here "to bring more nude recreation to Vice City". To protect the dignity of our other panelists, we placed Mr. Barry Stark behind a divider.
|
| Barry
|
I'm naked back here! It's my right as a person!
|
| Maurice
|
Yes... Let's start with the obvious, yes? Is it moral to be naked?
|
| Barry
|
Yes! You can't stop me.
|
| Jan
|
Well, I'm a mother, so I have to deal with this issue every day. My adorable kids have learned that it's wrong to be naked! When it's bath time, they know to put on a bathing costume. That's-that's also the reason there are no mirrors in my house. Nudity leads to bad, naughty things!
|
| Barry
|
Maurice, if I may interrupt, I haven't worn clothes since 1982. Clothes are seriously unnatural. Didn't you guys learn anything from the 60s? I had a revelation when I was in Halle in Germany. I always felt very constricted, then it hit me like a slippery fish. Clothes are plain wrong! When you're born, you're not wearing any clothes. When you die, you're not wearing any clothes.
|
| Maurice
|
I'm going to have to interrupt you there. What if you die at work? What if an enormous piece of machinery falls on you while you're working?
|
| Barry
|
Clothes lead to immorality, nudity stops people from fighting! Have you seen an issue of National Geographics lately? People around the world are nude. You don't wanna shoot a machine gun, or a howitzer, or a flamethrower if you're naked. It could burn or scald in quite a personal fashion. Quite frankly, have you been to the zoo? Animals are naked. If everyone were naked, there'd be no war. Everyone's complaining about crime, and the theft of cars in the city. No one's ever stolen my car, no one's ever pickpocketed me, they've never even tried.
|
| Pastor
|
That's because you're a degenerate loony!
|
| Barry
|
If the police were naked, it would set a great example to everyone. You can direct traffic and eat donuts entirely in the buff.
|
| Pastor
|
Maurice, this kind of immoral behavior is exactly why I'm building a Pastor Richards Salvation Statue. Noah had an ark, Texans had the Alamo, and I'm building a highly fortified structure in my image. Simple. This 50-story statue will be able to deflect alpha, gamma and beta radiation. The day is coming, and coming soon when the artificial suns will reign down to punish the degenerates of this city, but you can save yourself. The Pastor Richards Salvation Statue will be a completely self-sufficient community. We have canned food rations, private living quarters and enough supplies to survive happily the predicted 40,000 years of nuclear winter. In phase 2, and with funding from NASA, we will equip this massive statue with rockets, so when the poopy hits the proverbial fan, we will load up the statue with all of the people who have saved themselves through generous donations, blast into space and colonize Saturn with a race of morally correct, affluent people ruled by me.
|
| Barry
|
Hmm, will there be naked people?
|
| Pastor
|
No, turdbrain! It's morally corrupt people like you we're shielding ourselves from: liberals, degenerates, the Welsh, they're the ones responsible for the nightmare Vice City is today, the crime in the streets, the parties, the children born out of wedlock to a future of hopelessness. Anyone who does not agree with me is mentally sick and should be shot, I'm afraid to say. We need to build a place to escape these transgressions!
|
| Maurice
|
Phew, heh heh, that's extreme stuff, Pastor! What, we'll leave amateur eugenics for a minute and ask our other panellist. Jan, you're a mom, so you know everything. What is your thought on all this, and do you think Pastor Richards stole his ideas from a movie or book?
|
| Jan
|
Well, yes, I am a mom. My kids are very special. So special, they go to special classes! N-I-I teach my kids history to give them perspective. Last night, I was telling them about how Magellan sailed around the Strait of Magellan and met some friendly natives that gave him supplies. Um, then he had to kill all of them, and that's an important lesson about life. If you look at nature, you'll see many species that eat their children to protect them. Th-this is especially true of hamsters. It's about putting the family first. That's really important to me, and where a lot of my morality comes from. And if you don't like it, find your own husband and stay away from mine, okay?
|
| Maurice
|
Okay, but, uh, excuse me if I sound a little confused here, but, I don't think I understand...
|
| Jan
|
Now, my morality comes from looking at history and biology, and working out what's best for my kids and screw anyone else! That's what this country's all about. I mean, I mean I saw the hippies, what a load of claptrap! What-what's your kid gonna do at a school with a name like "Moonbeam" or "Wave" or "Horseradish" or whatever they call him? How can you take your kid to a Little League game when you live in a communal farm growing drugs?! It's awful! And that's what my life is about: looking down on others.
|
| Maurice
|
Yes, I think I can see that now. Moving on. Pastor Richards, in your book, you talk about putting yourself first, and how people should not make sacrifices or help those in need. Do you want to elaborate?
|
| Pastor
|
Oh, that's right. People need to learn how to take care of themselves and not depend on others. If you read chapter 45 of my book, I talk about how being selfish is a virtue. The best thing you can do for someone that needs help is to tell them to help themselves, that builds moral character, morality, Maurice! There's not much left in this city, every time a culture has taken on the doctrine of helping your fellow man, we get thrown into the dark age...look at Russia. They keep trying to help each other out, extend a hand to a neighbor, and guess what? Every 10 years, someone's invading, burning down their homes and taking their toilet paper. Napoleon, Stalin, Attila the Hun, all of them! After you read my book, you will understand I may have been born in the sea, but I'm no dummy.
|
| Barry
|
Ugh, are we gonna talk about being naked?
|
| Maurice
|
(nervously) Yes, soon, Barry. Keep your hair on and-uh, calm down, please, my friend. (clears throat) Divorce rates are up, standardized test scores are down, vampire sightings at the mall, can the family be saved? Or, to put it in another way, if we're meant to be monogamous, why weren't we born already married? Jan, over to you.
|
| Jan
|
Well, since I'm a happily married mother, I know the family unit is the basis of all society. Now, even when my husband is working late, or away on an extended business trip to Hawaii with his secretary, I understand just how important the family unit is in life. He's working hard, so I can get another station wagon with even more wood on it.
|
| Maurice
|
Go on, tell me more about your family.
|
| Jan
|
Well, I like to compare it to nature. After all, it is one planet, even if we do just want to maim and kill each other, especially me. Now, look at sharks and sandworms. Oh, and one of my hobbies besides making babies and criticizing people is biology. You learn so much from nature! People these days, they don't grow their own food. They can barely get out of their recliners and make it to the supermarket. (chuckling) Let me tell you, there's nothing super about that place! Kids these days don't know how to preserve and can their own food. Now, no wonder all they wanna do is play video games or hang out with their friends. What is it, the Degeneratron? What a crock of shit!
|
| Maurice
|
(chuckling) Hey, watch your language. This is radio, we have regulations about that sort of thing.
|
| Jan
|
But you let a naked man on!
|
| Maurice
|
Eh, he's behind the screen, you can't see him, it's not that exciting. Imagine a flabby guy with a ponytail and a nasty rash. You get the picture.
|
| Jan
|
Imagine one? I married one! Anyway, what was I saying?
|
| Maurice
|
Eh, you were discussing the Degenatron, which I understand is a games machine, then you swore.
|
| Jan
|
I'm sorry, it makes me so mad! I mean, when I heard my son, Patrick III, I heard him using slang words in the house the other day: "rad" and "cool" and "stick it"... I mean, I beat him to within an inch of his life, and he will never make that mistake again. American should be spoken properly!
|
| Jan
|
No, don't interrupt me, I've got children, you know. Please, this is really important, it's about the family! Look, look, nobody knows how to cook anymore. Nobody knows how to kill anymore, nobody knows how to kill dinner. My daddy was a very wise man, before that tractor pole accident, my daddy taught me how to slaughter a pig. That's very useful information. Oh, sure, I was a little nervous at first, but he put me in a room with a fork and a fat sow and told me he'd be back in an hour for some fat back and hog jowls. As a mother, I'm proud to say I throttled the life out of that little piggie. I did it for my family and I'll do it again! Feeding the family is my job as a mother. Daddy earns money and goes away with his secretary and mommy provides dinner and keeps a brave face on things, even though her heart is breaking. Where are my pills?
|
| Maurice
|
Barry, you look like you've got something to say.
|
| Barry
|
I agree. Statistics show that families that spend time together naked are the best kinds of families. You see, social class distinctions disappear when everyone is naked. I can't tell if you're rich or poor, black or white, it doesn't matter 'cause we're all naked. Designer clothes? Try designer nudism! My body was made by the best designer around - mother nature. That's why we're lobbing to build a naked casino in Vice City so old people can gamble naked and poor people can lose hope in the buff.
|
| Pastor
|
It is written, chapter 23, verse 5 of my book, "He that gambles his money away is a fool, but he who believes in me will go to spend eternity in space with other affluent, well-to-do people". It's that simple, do what I say and you won't have to think for yourself!
|
| Maurice
|
Oh, but I think it is, Pastor. We look around, nudie clubs, discos, drinking, do people want to be moral? Can you legislate morality? Can we tell people how to live their lives?
|
| Pastor
|
Absolutely. Yes, of course I can. Just look at Prohibition or, or the Cultural Revolution in China, we can learn a lot from history. Chairman Mao or Stalin, they purged their lands of degenerates and entire lectuals, the scum of the Earth in my book, and look at the great societies they built, people want to be told how to act, and most people are idiots, and that's exactly who my teachings appeal to. This lawless, permissive society has no boundaries, and without boundaries, how do you know where the limits are? You have to know what's good and what's evil, you need someone to tell you so. Single moms have obese kids, it's a fact, while rich people have a lot of guilt, unnecessarily, in my opinion!
|
| Jan
|
I agree. I don't think these people understand just how hard it is to potty-train. You have to give a treat when precious makes a poopie. My kids are big-boned and they eat prunes every day, but that's what's wrong with this country, all of this emphasis on being thin and healthy. When my children are hungry I hand them a spear and send them out to the park to catch their own food. They're learning how to be self-sufficient! Yesterday, my youngest Jono, killed the postman, but at least he was trying. So, I gave a cuddle, I told him to hit daddy next time he comes home late smelling of cheap perfume.
|
| Maurice
|
...Okay. It's time to take a break before we hear about any more criminal acts against government employees. You are listening to Pressing Issues, morality is the subject at hand, let's explain exactly how free radio without commercial breaks works. We'll be right back.
|
| The program takes a break and cuts to Jonathan and Michelle's pledge drive.
|
| Jonathan
|
You're listening to VCPR, finally, a radio station for teachers and librarians! You've been enjoying Pressing Issues, but as is normal, you can't listen to hours worth of programming on this station without us begging for money. It's the bi-daily beg-a-thon here on VCPR, where we hold your favorite shows hostage until you pony up some cash.
|
| Michelle
|
You know what's so great about VCPR? It's like a shining torch of cultural enlightenment for Vice City. In these times of darkness, when the hordes are so uneducated they can barely understand multisyllabic phrases like "Clean my shoes better, Marisa, or I'll report you to the IRS!" or "dialectical materialism". Isn't it pleasant to have a patronizing voice on the radio?
|
| Jonathan
|
That's right, Michelle. With the way things are going under Reagan, at any moment, the unwashed huns from the Midwest could descend upon Vice City and enslave the poets and postal workers, and force us to watch network programming.
|
| Michelle
|
That is a frightening thought. But like many things in life, you can throw your money at something and feel better about yourself. VCPR is your public radio station, but you have to open your wallets.
|
| Jonathan
|
That's right. If you pledge at the $1000 level, you'll get tickets for In the Future, There will be Robots at the Vice City Art Center.
|
| Michelle
|
People who see that show say it's difficult to put into English. That must mean it's spectacular!
|
| Jonathan
|
Yes, but if you don't give money to VCPR, we could be thrown back to the stone age. Liberals will be set on fire in the streets. Give now! Let's return to Pressing Issues. Over to you, Maurice, in the studio. (whispering) Useless, talentless asshole.
|
| Michelle
|
(whispering) You're correct, he is an asshole.
|
| The program resumes to the "Morality" segment of Pressing Issues.
|
| Maurice
|
I love those guys. Really professional and living proof that all of the best talent isn't on commercial networks. These people do it for love, because they have integrity, just like me. We're back with Pressing Issues, I'm Maurice Chavez, winner of 5 Public Radio Awards in the Vice City area, including "Best Voice". On this show, we take complex issues and boil them down to simple ones so you can understand. On this segment of the show, we're discussing morality. Since the beginning of time, man has asked questions: "Why are we here?", "What time is it?" and "Is there a place around here a guy can get a drink?". Early man, as seen in the cave of Lascaux in France, questioned the morality of making the mammoth extinct. I think we all know what happened there! Is it society's job to tell each other how to live? Recently, Vice City considered passing a public curfew that says nobody can be on the streets after 8:30 PM. Of course, the bill didn't get passed, but it made people think: if you don't vote, you get morons in charge. Is that moral? I'm not sure! Let's press the issue!
|
| Barry
|
Children should be at home with their parents naked. A curfew makes sense. You know how much money I save not having to wear trendy clothes? Read a history book! At the creation of the universe, the Big Bang, everyone was naked, even you. Why do I have to stay behind this divider? Maurice, please!
|
| Pastor
|
Because nobody is interested in seeing your "business", because we have standards of decency, which you are offending.
|
| Barry
|
(jumping) Look at me, I'm jumping up and down!
|
| Jan
|
Oh my goodness, get back behind that divider, please, I'm married!
|
| Barry
|
What's so wrong with me? Why do you hate me, because I'm happy?! Jan, gimme a hug, I won't hurt you. And by the sound of things, your husband is doing the same right now with his secretary.
|
| Jan
|
No, we worked through it. He was stressed, it's hard keeping a family together these days.
|
| Barry
|
Everyone, take your clothes off and feel what it's like to be free of bondage! Everyone out there in Vice City, take your clothes off! If this is the land of the free, let's start with our pants! Feel the wind from the air conditioning, uh, a breeze is so liberating!
|
| Maurice
|
Uh, thanks very much. Now, if you could get back behind that divider, Barry, please. Otherwise, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Thank you, n-now sit down. On Pressing Issues, we think it is very important to respect one another, to treat each other like we would like to be treated.
|
| Pastor
|
If you don't like the United States, son, why don't you move to Russia? I don't understand people in America today, they call this the Cold War, but it's hotter than Hell. Mark my words, any day now, you're sitting in school, passing notes and talking about the prom, when, suddenly, you look out the window and there are Russian paratroopers dropping in to take over! What can you do? Run into the woods with your friends, call yourselves "The Wolverines", put twigs in your hand, try to beat back the Russkies? No. You hightail it to Pastor Richards Salvation Statue and blast off into space, but there is a limited amount of space. That's why I suggest anyone who wants the safety and security of your own bunker, give now! Call 1-866-9-SAVEME. We'll get you on the payment plan and if you paid in full on D-Day, you and your family will be safe, if not, you may have to choose to save yourself and leave the others behind...
|
| Maurice
|
Hey, hey hey hey, stop selling things on my show. You're not a value sponsor who supports the art of public radio, buddy.
|
| Jan
|
I, for one, welcome our new Russian masters. We can learn so much from other cultures. Did you know in India, the women protest by setting themselves on fire? I tell you, next time the kids are screaming for ice cream and pop, I may just douse myself in kerosene! I use that as a threat to my kids all the time, so it's no wonder they're so screwed up. That's one of the tough things about being a mom, not ruining their lives with guilt. As a matter of fact, I don't let my kids watch cartoons or slasher flicks.
|
| Jan
|
That Knife After Dark movie may be #1 in the box office, but my kids certainly ain't gonna see it. If you don't raise your kids right, they end up being like nude boy over there, or working in radio. I want them to get proper jobs, like being a doctor, not a patient.
|
| Barry
|
That is offensive. My mother understood I was special. She made me wear a button as a child, and when I demanded to go to school naked, she was fine with it. After social services moved me, she would still write to me. I still remember when she kissed me goodbye.
|
| Maurice
|
But Barry, earlier, you said you discovered naturism, taking your clothes off, whatever it is in Germany.
|
| Barry
|
I know, but I lie a lot. Uh, I got a lot of personal issues. Look at me. P-please, Maurice? I need a hug.
|
| Pastor
|
There's another example of immorality in this city - public showing of affection. People think we want to see them making out and carrying on. I understand your hormones rage like a wild animal and you want to ravage one another like there's no tomorrow, but you have to ignore what your body is telling you and work for a higher calling, like construction. We're building a statue and we need your help, call me now!
|
| Jan
|
You know, pretty soon you won't be able to tell who's a human and who's an android. Why, the corporation is working on it right now. I know, I read about it. I tell my kids not to kiss other kids at school, it might be an android, suck your brains out. You must've seen the mini-series of it on television? I've read it in a book. We've got to stop looking at the stars, all the science fiction and focus on the family! N-if you really wanna dance like you're on the moon, go there and leave us in peace! And that's a fact.
|
| Maurice
|
Ye-uh, what's a fact?
|
| Jan
|
I'm sorry, Maurice, but I have to tell you. I moved to Florida to bring my kids up the American way, in a theme park, and that's just the kind of person I am - opinionated and moronic.
|
| Maurice
|
I see. Well, this panel is certainly interesting. The issue is morality. Recently, rock artists joined together to provide famine aid to Alaska with a song "Do They Know It's the 4th of July?". Critics complained it's immoral to meddle in the affairs other peoples and cultures. Pastor Richards...
|
| Maurice
|
Uh, what do you make of meddling in other people's business like an overopinionated sociopath?
|
| Pastor
|
Well, let me say, that money could've gone to much better things, like reserving a place by side in the Pastor Richards Salvation Statue, but I digress and plug.
|
| Pastor
|
Don't interrupt me, boy. Anyhoo, I address the Alaska issue in chapter 23 of my book. You see, the Alaskans are lunatics, plain and simple. They eat whales, and snow, and they sleep in the freezer. Who wants to eat snow every day? Oh, I tried to help, I sent a helicopter with copies of my book, but they burned them in a pile for heat. If the people of Alaska choose to live there, let them, but don't come crying when you're tired of eating penguin and it snows 18 feet a day!
|
| Maurice
|
Yes, but don't you think it's important...
|
| Pastor
|
I think it's very important to listen to me, young man! That's what makes the state of Florida great - rather than helping prove where they are, people nationwide abandon their hometowns, come down here, and shove their beliefs down everyone else's throats! That's the American way, always has been. We should send some pictures of Florida to those people in Alaska, I tell you, they'd throw down that bear pelt, saddle up the sled dogs and get pulled all the way to Vice City, and I should know, I'm from Mars!
|
| Pastor
|
Uh...Mars, Alabama. I founded three colleges there.
|
| Barry
|
The problem with Alaska is that people don't get naked. If you can't work on your car, play the cello or use sharp knives in your birthday suit, then what's the point of living?
|
| Maurice
|
Uh, well, it is a bit cold there. People put on clothes when it's cold. We evolved without a warm covering of hair.
|
| Pastor
|
That's a lie, sir, we come from the great meteor of truth!
|
| Barry
|
Clothes are a habit, like shaving and taking out the trash. As soon as you stop, you realize what a prisoner you were to society and the twisted state of morality. People think that nudists are immoral. Well, we're not! I'm married, I love my wife, in our commune, it's so wonderful to wake up in a big bed and go to breakfast clothed in nothing but a smile.
|
| Pastor
|
What kind of people are there in your weirdo commune?!
|
| Barry
|
Single people, families, elderly couples, teachers, politicians, and especially truck drivers. Truck drivers understand what it's like to be by yourself for days on end, with nothing but country music on the radio, and the stick in your hand shifting gears over and over. Truckers realize there's nothing to be ashamed of on the open road. Get naked and beat it on down the line! You've never seen a sense of community and morality like a nudist colony. We share everything: the cooking, cleaning, wives, a shared sense of what it's like to be a complete social outcast.
|
| Maurice
|
Uh, wait right there, Barry, I'm getting something through the cats...uh, headphones, that is. Yes? Yeah, okay. Uh, we just want to tell you a little more about public radio funding. We'll be right back after this.
|
| The program takes a break and cuts to Jonathan and Michelle's pledge drive.
|
| Michelle
|
Hello, I'm sure you're enjoying our high quality programming. I'm Michelle Montanius. Jonathan, I think it's time to acknowledge the people who are sending money in to shut us up and end this dreadful beg-a-thon.
|
| Jonathan
|
Here's a $10 pledge from Fran in Little Havana. Wow, you'd think she could've given more than that?
|
| Michelle
|
Yes. Mean bitch, I hope she dies an agonizing death!
|
| Jonathan
|
Absolutely, Michelle. And remember, if you want us to wish you well, dig deep and dig soon.
|
| Michelle
|
That's right. At any moment, conservatives can vote to end our funding and place a fast-food restaurant where our studios are. See, there are some people that think everything has to make money. It doesn't, that's why you should give now!
|
| Jonathan
|
Correct. Next week is Environmental Week, sponsored by Maibatsu and the Vice City Power Corporation, and next month, we're celebrating Pruce's influence on Vice City, in association with the Degenatron. But, for now, let's return to Pressing Issues. Remember, VCPR is an advertising-free zone, much like the Moon or Times Square.
|
| The program resumes to the "Morality" segment of Pressing Issues.
|
| Maurice
|
Welcome back! The show is Pressing Issues, the subject is morality. I'm Maurice Chavez. Let's carry on pressing the issue. Now, when the Europeans were done ruining their continent with bland food and soccer riots and arrived in the Americas in the late 15th century, the subject soon turned to morality. You see, Europeans wanted to colonize America so they had somebody to make fun of. The Pilgrims left England for the religious freedom in Holland, where they visited coffee shops and after they packed up their ships with plenty of coffee, tea and cakes to liven up the trip, they set sail for the new world, which they heard had a magnificent rollercoaster. Once they got here, they were very hungry, having been on a ship for 65 days. So, they ate for 3 days straight. Thanksgiving quickly became an annual custom. America was founded by people who wanted a place where they could tell other people how to live. And I'm a history major. But do we have the right? The question: is it moral to celebrate Thanksgiving, a holiday that is clearly about gluttony, annoying relatives and awful casserole?
|
| Pastor
|
Well, I, for one, love a casserole, and at my weekly meeting, my congregation has a potluck. You see, a casserole is a lot like life, Maurice, and that's the basis of my philosophy. If you put a bunch of leftovers from the fridge in a pan and bake it, somebody will probably eat it. It's like my book: you believe in your favorite sports team, then they get massacred, you believe in gravity, then it turns upside down on you, you love your favorite TV show, then the network ends it with a lousy finale, but you can believe in me, and if you believe in something, support it. It's one thing to love something, but if you don't shower it with money, then just don't talk to me. Communism, don't make me puke my guts out, please!
|
| Jan
|
Well, I, myself, love casseroles on Thanksgiving. And the way to teach your children the rich history of America is through theme parks. I just love Pilgrim World, especially the part where you get to slaughter your own buffalo and take home the meat, or give the locals the flu while buying their land off them for a pittance. That's what children need!
|
| Jan
|
Wholesome activities that benefit the family. Now, what good is it if a kid plays Degeneratron for 5 hours? Oh, sure, he's killing space aliens, thank you very much, but it ain't putting food on the table, and he's learning bad language, like "mleep-bleep-bleep". When my family go out to dinner, we're starting from scratch, even if daddy is working late, again. We build our own spears, smear ourselves in dung and then wait in a swamp for something to come by.
|
| Maurice
|
In the suburbs?! I bet your neighbors love you! How long do you wait? Don't you get arrested?
|
| Jan
|
Hey, mister, I'm married. Look at the finger. It has a ring. I've got children, for Pete's sake, stop eye-ing me up!
|
| Jan
|
You were! I can see you undressing me with your eyes. Well, I tell you, I was a cheerleader and nearly a prom queen, and I could've married anyone, but I chose John. I chose him because he had a kind face and a rich dad. I didn't know he was gonna cheat on me or embarrass me. I didn't know. But I won't be made a fool of, I've got the children.
|
| Maurice
|
Okay, Jan, it's okay. Men are idiots. Ask my ex-wife! (chuckles) Don't worry, stay calm. I'm not eye-ing you up, but I am a little worried about you. How are the children? Do they enjoy school?
|
| Jan
|
Of course they do! That's precisely why I'm going to start home-schooling my children. High school is a cult! There's a group of savages that rule the roost and get all the girls and everyone else is picked on and abused. It happened to me and look at me: I'm a deranged mess and my husband cheats on me. I don't want my kids to go to a public high school! Instead, we have a prom each year in my living room.
|
| Maurice
|
And that leads to my next question...
|
| Barry
|
People in high school and cheering are all naked!
|
| Maurice
|
I've about had it with you, Barry. I tried to be fair, I tried to be kind, but you are a freak, and a liar, and wasting everybody's time. The organs below the belt are for reproduction and removing of bodily waste. There's no reason that, when I go to buy a soda or a transmission, I need to be distracted by your privates dangling about. Now, when I go to the store to buy an air conditioning filter, I'd rather not have to look at your moneymaker, amigo! I'm glad you are proud of it, but when people of Vice City are in a quick-e-mart, they should be able to have a simple financial transaction without seeing your fire hose! Are you with me?
|
| Maurice
|
That's okay. Just try to behave, I think the sun must've got to you, or something.
|
| Barry
|
Yes, maybe that's it.
|
| Pastor
|
Maurice, if I may, you have a fine show here, and-and I'm glad to be on it, but everyone within the sound of my voice and smell will die in the fires of doom. It is written: "TV is trash, radio is trash, our newspapers are run by Canadians with an agenda, our very way of life is threatened." We formed this great state to play golf, and I'll be damned if any weirdo hippies are gonna tell us we can't fill in wetlands and make a home for ourselves complete with 18-hole championship standard courses and selective admission. Heathens will ruin the land, acid will rain from the skies, we'll never hear my voice again, it will be anarchy!
|
| Jan
|
TV teaches immorality! Refugees, glue, the price of tea and China, how can we raise children in this environment? My little boy asked me the other day, "Mommy, are unicorns real?" What am I supposed to say to that?! Do I lie and make myself as bad as the boy's father? Or do I break the little boy's heart and ruin his life so that he ends up a nudist, or a freak, or something?
|
| Maurice
|
It's a difficult question, Jan, a very difficult question. Is it right to lie?
|
| Barry
|
Clothes are a lie, Maurice!
|
| Maurice
|
No, Barry, clothes are a way of keeping warm and not getting arrested.
|
| Barry
|
No policeman has ever hit me with his truncheon!
|
| Pastor
|
I'd like to hit you back to Hell, you sicko! You're filth, human form of vermin, a blight on the fine society of picket fences and garden parties, and everyone coming three times a day to my statue to pay homage!
|
| Maurice
|
Pastor Richards, as a human being, I have to say, I find your philosophy, or cult, or whatever it is, utterly and completely appaling.
|
| Pastor
|
Why, thank you! I knew you'd understand.
|
| Maurice
|
I mean, you seem to want to build a religion around yourself in some 1950s vision of America. It's the 1980s, man! And one-man-worship-me cults are not allowed, my friend.
|
| Pastor
|
Exactly, as I say in the great book: "Many are called, but unless you have a good credit rating, go screw yourself, you'll burn in Hell".
|
| Maurice
|
Ay, por favor, shut up! B-Barry, what are you doing?
|
| Barry
|
I'm lonely, Maurice! Lonely, and I need some bodily contact!
|
| Maurice
|
Get behind, get back behind that panel!
|
| Barry
|
Don't be shy! Please, we've all got one. That means I'm happy.
|
| Maurice
|
Hey, stay away from me, I'm a celebrity!
|
| Pastor
|
Hide yourself, boy! I warn you, I'm armed and I'm not afraid to use it!
|
| Barry
|
We've all got one, look how free I am. Mmm, the fan feels so good. I feel you.
|
| Maurice
|
Hey, hey, Pastor Richards, please, put the gun away! Put it away!
|
| Pastor
|
NO! I am the sole judge of truth and decency! Get back, heathen, get back!
|
| Pastor
|
EVILDOER! DIE, DEVIL, DIE!
|
| A gunshot is heard. Barry moans in pain.
|
| Maurice
|
Dios mio, you shot him! Th-there's blood and pubic hair all over the studio! Ladies and gentlemen, it is complete pandemonium here on Pressing Issues with me, the multi-award winning and soon-to-be-executed Maurice Chavez... Barry? Are you okay? Are you alive?
|
| Barry
|
Stop the bleeding, it's down there...
|
| Maurice
|
Uh, do I have to? Can't you get someone else?
|
| Maurice
|
Jan! Ay, dios mio, she's fainted!
|
| Barry
|
No. Hold it, harder! Oh, that's so good! I need mouth-to-mouth. Maurice, please, I might die.
|
| Maurice
|
Erhm, okay. Excuse me, I'm only doing this to save your life, I don't want to.
|
| Barry
|
Thanks, I'm getting cold. Quickly, it's okay to use tongues.
|
| Maurice
|
EUGH! Get off of me, I'm happily divorced!
|
| Pastor
|
Shall I send him to Hell, Maurice?
|
| Maurice
|
Yes, I mean, no! No, you psychotic lunatic! Put that gun away, don't point it at me!
|
| Pastor
|
Or you'll what, son? You think I'm scared of your conventional, lilly-livid morality? You think you can tell me what to do? You think it's wrong for me to have five concubines to spread my jeans, or to use money from the statue for building my own palace in Hawaii? You think that's wrong, do you son? Do you? Huh, huh, HUH?!
|
| Maurice
|
(nervously) No, no no, Mr. Pastor! It's alright. I think it's very right. Very right indeed. You're the boss, you're in charge, you're the king!
|
| Pastor
|
Damn right I am! Now I'll tell you about morality: morality is what I say is right and immorality is what I say is wrong! You gotta understand this.
|
| Maurice
|
(clears throat) Oh, I do.
|
| Barry
|
Ugh, I'm bleeding...I need a proctologist...
|
| Pastor
|
Shut it! Now, next question. Ask me anything, ask me anything you want...
|
| Maurice
|
Yeah, well I'd love to, but it seems that that is about all we have time for, actually. The thing is, you see, this is public radio, and every once in a while we need to appeal for money, or cut away when people start brandishing guns in the studio, like this! You're on Pressing Issues, and in this show we discussed morality. I think we've made a lot of progress and really came together. I'm Maurice Chavez, bye! Uh, please, don't kill me!
|
| The "Morality" segment ends and cuts to Jonathan and Michelle's pledge drive.
|
| Jonathan
|
I hope you were enjoying Pressing Issues. I certainly was.
|
| Michelle
|
Yes, it's almost as interesting as listening to you, Jonathan!
|
| Jonathan
|
Wow, thanks Michelle. It is, isn't it? Before we let you get back to the show, I thought you'd like to know VCPR has managed to raise $30 this hour, which should keep us on the air for another...15 minutes, at least.
|
| Michelle
|
Thankfully, due to the generosity of the people at Delio and Furax, the fascinating show Legal Review will still run. But now, back to the Pressing Issues.
|
| Jonathan
|
Actually, before we let you get back to the show, I'd like to say something. I know that public radio may not seem very important in an era of poverty and famine and immense personal greed, but I can assure you it is, and not just because I say so. Look at the facts, 15 of the last 37 American presidents and 47 vice-presidents have appeared on VCPR in the last month. 33% of all Nobel Prize winners started out in public radio. Without public radio, we would never have discovered gravity, or the pizza, or the fact that a lot of people love to hear themselves rattle. Anyway, sermin over. I hope you folks at home understand how passionate we are about public radio, and it has nothing to do with the fact I got kicked off the networks.
|
| Michelle
|
That was very moving, Jonathan. Back to the Pressing Issues. Where is the creep? Put him on!
|
|
