VCPR是侠盗猎车手：罪恶都市里的一个电台，该电台只有人声并无音乐。
该电台有个叫做紧迫问题（Pressing Issues）的采访节目，该栏目会选择一个特定的问题，由主持人查韦斯·莫里斯（Maurice Chavez）在选定的嘉宾之间进行非正式辩论。根据查韦斯的说法，该栏目在1981年期间或之前就已经开始在某些地方播出。
该电台总时长为86分24秒，共有3个话题，第一个是关于道德（Morality）的议题，持续时长为34分14秒；第二个是感知和积极思考（Perception and Positive Thinking），持续时长为20分38秒；第三个是公共安全（Public Safety），持续时长为31分29秒。（可以用来练听力。）
为提高用户体验，避免过长的语音缓冲时间，语音维基在尽量减小音质损失的情况下将语音文件按照内容手动切分为3段（游戏文件里是练成一整段的。），文件大小控制在了10MB以内。
道德
| Media:GTAVC_VCPR_Clip01.mp3 | Morality. Click to play! |
|---|---|
| 关于道德的辩论，耗费流量约8MB |
| 台词列表 | |
|---|---|
| 讲话者 | 台词 |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Thank you, guys! So, we are back on Pressing Issues. Just one of the many fine shows you'll hear if you have the patience to listen to public radio. Although, thanks to the many awards we have won, Pressing Issues has extended play time and is the number 1 rated show in the Vice City area. I'm your very entertaining host, Maurice Chavez. A man climbing the broadcasting ladder at a rate of six knots. Six years ago I was a clown, and now I'm a success! Hahaha! Think about it! Imagine where I could be in ten years... I could achieve anything. Anyway, morality. What is it? Why do we need it? Our ancestors, shortly after discovering fire, built tools to beat each other over the head and discovered how to make meat (me?) to celebrate with afterwards. Then, Columbus came over, shut down the pilgrim discos... Why? All very confusing if you ask me, and you did, and I ask myself, "That is a perfect subject for a region-wide discussion show." ...Which is very lucky because I happen to host one. To discuss the subject of morality we have firebrand preacher, Pastor Richards, the head of the Pastor Richards Salvation Statue Organization, a group which plans to raise enough money to build a statue of Pastor Richards himself. We also have Jan Brown, leader of Moms Against Popular Culture, or MAPC... Or is it MAPS... MAPKAY... Uh, I don't know. We're deep in acronym hell right now... Or is it purgatory? And finally, we have Barry Stark, author of the book "As Nature Intended." He's the editor of Vice City's "Naturist News" and is working feverishly, it says here, to bring more nude activities to Vice City. To protect the dignity of our other panelists, we've placed Mr. Barry Stark behind a divider. 谢谢各位！回到我们的紧迫问题栏目。如果您有耐心收听公共广播的话，这将只是您将听到的众多精彩节目之一。只不过，由于我们赢得了许多奖项，紧迫问题栏目播放时间被加长了，并且还成为了罪恶都市地区排名第一的栏目。我是非常有趣的主持人查韦斯·莫里斯。一个人以超快速度爬到广播界高层的人。六年前我还是个小丑，现在我已然是一位成功人士了！哈哈哈！想一下，十年后我又会在哪里呢...我可能会实现任何目标。总之，道德。它是什么？为什么我们需要它？我们的祖先在发现火后不久，就制造了互相打架的工具，并且还发现了如何制作肉（我？）用于庆祝。然后，哥伦布过来了，他关闭了朝圣者的迪斯科舞厅...为什么？如果你问我的话，我会说这一切都非常令人困惑，你们刚好问了我这个问题，然后我发现「这似乎是一个区域性讨论节目的完美主题」...你说巧不巧，我正好是主持这种节目的主持人。为了讨论道德这一主题，我们请来了极具煽动性的传教士理查兹牧师，他是理查兹牧师救世雕像组织的负责人，该组织计划筹集足够的资金来建造理查兹牧师本人的雕像。我们还有简·布朗女士，她是反对流行文化的妈妈们组织简称为MAPC的领导人...或者读作MAPS...MAPKAY...呃，随便啦我也不知道，我们现在正深陷首字母缩略词地狱中...或者说是炼狱？最后，我们还有巴里·斯塔克，他是《如自然所愿》一书的作者，他还是罪恶都市「裸体主义者新闻」的编辑，并且正在狂热地工作中，据他说，他这是为了给罪恶都市带来更多的裸体活动。考虑到保护我们其他嘉宾的尊严，我们决定将巴里·斯塔克先生安置在隔板后面。 |
| Barry
巴里 |
I'm naked back here! It's my right as a person! 我赤身裸体回到这里啦！这是我作为人的权利！ |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Yes... Let's start with the obvious, yes... Is it moral to be naked? 好吧...我们先从显而易见的谈起...光着身子很道德吗？ |
| Barry
巴里 |
Yes! You can't stop me! 当然！你可阻止不了我！ |
| Jan
简 |
Well, I am a mother, so I have to deal with this issue every day. My adorable kids have learned that it's wrong to be naked. When it's bath time, they know to put on a bathing costume. That's... That's also the reason there are no mirrors in my house. Nudity leads to bad, naughty things. 好吧，我是一位母亲，所以我每天都要处理这种问题。我可爱的孩子们都已经知道赤身裸体是不对的了。到了洗澡时间，他们知道要穿上浴袍。这……这也是我家没有镜子的原因。整天光着身子会导致一些不太好的，难缠的问题。 |
| Barry
巴里 |
Maurice, if I may interrupt, I haven't worn clothes since 1982. Clothes are seriously unnatural. Didn't you guys learn anything from the '60s? I had a revelation when I was in Halle in Germany. I had always felt very constricted. Then it hit me like a slippery fish. Clothes are plain wrong. When you're born you're not wearing any clothes. When you die... you're not wearing any clothes. |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
I'm going to have to interrput you there. What if you die at work? What if an enormous piece of machinery falls on you while you're working? |
| Barry
巴里 |
Clothes lead to immorality! Nudity stops people from fighting. Have you see an issue of National Geographic lately? People around the world are nude. You don't want to shoot a machine gun or a howitzer or a flamethrower if you're naked. It could burn or scold in quite a personal fashion, quite frankly. Have you been to the zoo? Animals are naked. If everyone were naked, there'd be no war. Everyone's complaining about crime and the theft of cars in the city. No one's ever stolen my car. No one's ever pick-pocketed me. They've never even tried. |
| Richards
理查兹 |
That's because you're a degenerate loony. |
| Barry
巴里 |
If the police were naked, it would set a great example to everyone. You can direct traffic and eat donuts entirely in the buff. |
| Richards
理查兹 |
Maurice, this kind of immoral behavior is exactly why I'm buildng the Pastor Richards Salvation Statue. Noah hand an ark, Texans had the Alamo, and I am building a highly fortified structure in my image. Simple. This 50 story statue will be able to deflect alpha, beta, and gamma radiation. The day is coming, and coming soon, when the Artificial Suns when rain down to punish the degenerates of this city. But you can save yourself. The Pastor Richards Salvation Statue will be a completely self-sufficient community. We have canned food rations, private living quarters, and enough supplies to survive happily the predicted 40,000 years of nuclear winter. In phase 2, and with funding from NASA, we will equip this massive statue with rockets. So when the poopy hits the proverbial fan, we will load up the statue with all of the people who saved themselves through generous donations, blast into space, and colonize Saturn with a race of morally correct, affluent people ruled by me. |
| Barry
巴里 |
Hmm... Will there be naked people? |
| Richards
理查兹 |
No, turd brain! It's morally corrupt people like you we're shielding ourselves from: Liberals, degenerates, the Welsh... They're the ones responsible for the nightmare Vice City is today. The crime in the streets, the parties, the children born out of wedlock to a future of hopelessness. Anyone who does not agree with me is mentally sick, and should be shot I'm afraid to say. We need to build a place to escape these transgressions. |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Phew... That's extreme stuff, Pastor, but we'll leave amateureugenics for a moment and ask our other panelists. Jan, you're a mom, so you know everything. What is your thought on all this, and do you think Pastor Richards stole his ideas from a movie or a book? |
| Jan
简 |
Well, yes I am a mom. My kids are very special. So special they go to special classes. Now I teach my kids history to give them perspective. Last night I was telling them about how Magellan sailed around the Strait of Magellan and met some friendly natives that gave him supplies. Um, then he had to kill all of them, and that's an important lesson about life. If you look at nature, you'll see many species that eat their children to protect them. This is especially true of hamsters. It's about putting the family first. That's really important to me, and where a lot of my morality comes from... And if you don't like it, find your own husband and stay away from mine, okay!?!?! |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Okay... But excuse me if I sound a little confused here, but I don't think I understand. |
| Jan
简 |
Now, my morality comes from looking at history and biology and working out what's best for my kids and screw anyone else. That's what this country's all about. I mean-I mean, I saw the hippies... What a load of claptrap. Wha-What's your kid going to do at a school with a name like Moonbeam or Wave or Horseradish or whatever they call 'em. How can you take your kid to a little league game when you live in a communal farm growing drugs? It's awful! And that's what my life is about: Looking down on others. |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Yes, I think I can see that now. Moving on. Pastor Richards, in your book you talk about putting yourself first and how people should not make sacrifices or help those in need. Do you want to elaborate? |
| Richards
理查兹 |
Oh, that's right! People need to learn how to take care of themselves and not depend on others. If you read chapter 45 of my book, I talk about how being selfish is a virtue. The best thing you can do for someone that needs help is to tell them to help themselves. That builds moral character. Morality, Maurice, there's not much left in this city. Every time a culture has taken on the doctrine of helping your fellow man, we get thrown into the dark ages. Look at Russia! They keep trying to help each other out; extend a hand to a neighbor. And guess what? Every ten years, someone's invading, burning down their homes, and taken their toilet paper. Napoleon, Stalin, Attila the Hun... All of them. After you read my book, you will understand. I may have been born in the sea, but I'm no dummy. |
| Barry
巴里 |
Ugh, are we going to talk about being naked? |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Yes, soon Barry! Eh, keep your hair on and calm down, please my friend. Divorce rates are up, standardized test scores are down, and vampire sitings at the mall... Can the family be safe? ...Or to put it another way: "If we're meant to be monogomous, why weren't we born already married?" Jan, over to you. |
| Jan
简 |
Well, since I'm a happily married mother, I know the family unit is the basis of all society. Now, even when my husband is working late, or away on an extended business trip to Hawaii with his secretary, I understand just how important the family unit is in life. He's working hard I can get another station wagon with even more wood on it. |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Go on. Tell me more about... your family. |
| Jan
简 |
Um well, I like to compare it to nature. After all, it is one planet, even if we do just want to maime and kill each other. Especially, me. Now, look at sharks and sandworms. One of my hobbies, besides making babies and criticizing people, is biology. You learn so much from nature. People these days, they don't grow their own food. They can barely get out of their recliners and make it to the super market. Let me tell you, there's nothing super about that place. Kids these days don't know how to preserve and can their own food. N-No wonder all they want to do is play video games or hang out with their friends. What is it, The Degeneratron?* What a crock of shit!
|
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Heh-Hey hey! Watch your language! This is radio, we have regulations about that sort of thing! |
| Jan
简 |
...But you let a naked man on. |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Eh, he's behind a screen. You can't see him; He's not that exciting. Imagine a flabby guy with a pony tail and a nasty rash. You'll get the picture. |
| Jan
简 |
Imagine one, I married one. Anyway, what was I saying. |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Eh, you were discussing The Degenetron, which I understand is a games machine, then you swore. |
| Jan
简 |
I'm sorry, it makes me so mad. I mean, what I heard my son Patrick the 3rd... I heard him using slang words in the house the other day. Rad and cool and stick it... I mean, I beat him to within an inch of his life, and he will never make that mistake again. American should be spoken properly! |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
What? |
| Jan
简 |
No, don't interrupt me! I've got children, you know, please! This is really important. This is about the family. Look, look. Nobody knows how to cook anymore. Nobody knows how to kill anymore. Nobody knows how to kill dinner. My daddy was a very wise man, before that tractor pull accident. My daddy taught me how to slaughter a pig. That's very useful information. Oh sure, I was a little nervous at first, but he put me in a room with a fork and a fat sow and told me he'd be back in an hour for some fat back and hog jowls. As a mother, I'm proud to say I throttled the life out of that little piggie. I did it for my family, and I'll do it again as a mother. Daddy earns money and goes away with his secretary and mommy provides dinner and keeps a brave face on things, even though her heart is breaking. Where are my pills? |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Barry
巴里... You look like you've got something to say. |
| Barry
巴里 |
I agree. Statistics show that families that spend time together naked are the best kind of families. You see, social class destinctions disappear when everyone is naked. I can't tell if you're rich or poor, black or white. It doesn't matter 'cause we're all naked. Designer clothes? Try designer nudism! My body was made by the best designer around... Mother Nature. That's why we're lobbying to build a naked casino in Vice City, so old people can gamble naked and poor people can lose hope in the buff. |
| Richards
理查兹 |
It is written chapter 23, verse 5 of my book, he that gambles his money away is a fool. But he that believes in me will go to spend eternity in space with other affluent, well-to-do people. It's that simple. Do what I say and you won't have to think for yourself. |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Oh, but I think it is Pastor. We look around: Nudy clubs, discos, drinkin... Do people want to be moral? Can you legislate morality? Can we tell people how to live their lives? |
| Richards
理查兹 |
Absolutely! Yes, of course I can. Just look at prohibition or the cultural revolution in China. We can learn a lot from history. Chairman Mao or Stalin, they purged their land of degenerates or intellectuals, the scum of the Earth in my book, and look at the great societies they built. People want to be told how to act. Most people are idiots, and that's exactly who my teachings appeal to. This lawless, permissive society has no boundaries, and without boundaries how do you know where the limits are? You have to know what's good and what's evil. You need someone to tell you so. Single moms have obese kids, it's a fact. While rich people have a lot of guilt unnecessarily in my opinion. |
| Jan
简 |
I agree. I don't think these people understand just how hard it is to potty train. You have to give a treat when precious makes a poopy. My kids are big boned, and they eat prunes every day, but that's what's wrong this country. All of this emphasis on being thin and healthy. When my children are hungry I give them a spear and send them off to the park to catch their own food. They're learning to be self-sufficient. Yesterday, my youngest Jono, killed the postman, but at least he was trying. So I gave him a cuddle and told him to hit daddy next time he comes home late smelling of cheap perfume. |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Okay... It's time to take a break before we hear about anymore criminal acts against government employees. You're listening to Pressing Issues. Morality is the subject at hand. Let's explain exactly how free radio without commerical breaks works. We'll be right back. [cuts to Jonathan and Michelle] |
| Jonathan
乔纳森 |
You're listening to VCPR. Finally, a radio station for teachers and librarians. You've been enjoying Pressing Issues. As is normal, you can't listen to an hour's worth of programing on this station without us begging for money. It's the bi-daily begathon here on VCPR, where we hold your favorite shows hostage until you pony up some cash. |
| Michelle
米歇尔 |
You know what's so great about VCPR? It's like a shining torch of cultural enlightenment for Vice City. In these times of darkness when the hordes are so uneducated, they can barely understand multi-slavic phrases like, "Clean my shoes better, Narissa, or I'll report you to the IRS!" or dialectical materialism. Isn't it great to have a patronizing voice on the radio? |
| Jonathan
乔纳森 |
That's right, Michelle. With the way things are going under Regan, the unwashed huns from the midwest could descend upon Vice City and enslave the poets and postal workers and force us to watch network programing. |
| Michelle
米歇尔 |
That is a frigthening thought, but like many things in life, you can throw money at something and feel better about yourself. VCPR is your public radio station, but you have to open your wallets. |
| Jonathan
乔纳森 |
That's right. If you pledge at the $1000 level, you'll get tickets for "In the Future, There Will Be Robots" at the Vice City Art Center. |
| Michelle
米歇尔 |
People who see that show say it's difficult to put into English. That must mean it's spectacular. |
| Jonathan
乔纳森 |
Yes, but if you don't give money to VCPR, we could be thrown back to the stone age. Liberals will be set on fire in the streets. Give now. Let's return to Pressing Issues. Over to you, Maurice, in the studio! ...Useless, talentless asshole. |
| Michelle
米歇尔 |
You're correct, he is an asshole! [back to Pressing Issues] |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
I love those guys! Really professional and living proof that all the talent isn't on commercial networks. These people do it for love because they have integrity, just like me! We're back with Pressing Issues. I'm Maurice Chavez, winner of five public radio awards in the Vice City area, including best voice. On this show, we take complex issues and boil them down to simple ones so you can understand. On this segment of the show, we are discussing morality. Since the beginning of time, man has asked questions. Why are we here? What time is it? And is there a place around here a guy can get a drink? Early man, as seen in the Cave of Lascaux* in France, question the morality of making the mammoth extinct. I think we all know what happened there. Is it society's job to tell each other how to live? Recently, Vice City considered passing a public curfew that says nobody can be on the streets after 8:30 PM. Of course, the bill didn't get passed, but it made people think. If you don't vote, you get morons in charge. Is that moral? I'm not sure. Let's press the issue.
|
| Barry
巴里 |
Children should be at home with their parents naked. A curfew makes sense. Do you know how much money I save not having to wear trendy clothes? Read a history book. At the creation of the universe, the Big Bang, everyone was naked. Even you! Why do I have to stay behind this divider? Maurice, please! |
| Richards
理查兹 |
Because nobody is interesting in seeing your... "business." Because we have standards of decency which you are offending. |
| Barry
巴里 |
[jumping] Look at me! I'm jumping up and down! |
| Jan
简 |
Oh my goodness! Get back behind the divider, please! I'm married! |
| Barry
巴里 |
What's so wrong with me? Why do you hate me? Because I'm happy? Jan, give me a hug! I won't hurt you! And by the sound of things, your husband is doing the same right now with his secretary. |
| Jan
简 |
No! We worked through it! He was stressed! It's hard keeping a family together these days. |
| Barry
巴里 |
Everyone! Take you clothes off and feel what it's like to be free of bondage. Everyone out there in Vice City take your cltohes off! If this is the land of the free, let's start with our pants! Feel the wind from the air conditioning! Uh! A breeze is so liberating! |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Uh, thanks very much. Now, if you could get back behind that divider Barry, please, otherwise I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Thank you. Uh, no-now sit down... On Pressing Issues, we think it is very important to respect one another. To treat each other like we would like to be treated. |
| Barry
巴里 |
I want a hug! |
| Richards
理查兹 |
If you don't like the United States, son, why don't you move to Russia? I don't understand people in America today. They call this a Cold War, but it's hotter as hell. Mark my words! Anyday now, you're sitting in school, passing notes, and talking about the prom when suddenly you look out the window and there are Russian paratroopers dropping in to take over. What can you do? Run into the woods with your friends? Call yourselves The Wolverines? Put twigs in your hair and beat back the Russkies? No... You hightail it to Pastor Richards Salvation Statue and blast off into space! But there is a limited amount of space. That's why I suggest anyone who wants the safety and security of your own bunker, give now. Call 866-9SAVEME. We'll get you on the payment plan and if you're paid in full on D-day, you and your family will be safe! If not, you may have to choose to save yourself and leave the others behind. |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Hey hey hey hey! Stop selling things on my show! You're not a valued sponsor who supports the art of public radio, buddy. |
| Jan
简 |
I, for one, welcome our new Russian masters. We can learn so much from other cultures. Did you know in India the women protest by setting themselves on fire? I tell you, next time the kids are screaming for ice cream and pop, I may just douse myself in kerosene. I use that as a threat to my kids all the time, so it's no wonder they're so screwed up. That's one of the tough things about being a mom; not ruining their life with guilt. Uh, as a matter of fact I don't let my kids watch cartoons or slasher flicks. |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Really? |
| Jan
简 |
That Knife After Dark movie maybe number one in the box office, but my kids certainly ain't going to see it. If you don't raise your kids right, they end up being like nude boy over there or working in radio. I want them to get proper jobs like being a doctor, not a patient. |
| Barry
巴里 |
That is offensive! My mother understood I was special! She made me wear a bonnet as a child. And when I demanded to go to school naked, she was fine with it! After social service moved me she was still right to me. I still remember when she kissed me goodbye. |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
But Barry, earlier you said you discovered Naturism, taking your clothes off, whatever it is in Germany. |
| Barry
巴里 |
I know, but I lie a lot. Uh, I got a lot of personal issues. Look at me! Please, Maurice! I need a hug! |
| Richards
理查兹 |
There's another example of immorality in this city; public showing of affection. People think we want to see them making out and carrying on. I understand your hormones rage like a wild animal and you want to ravage one another like there's no tomorrow, but you have to ignore what your body is telling you and work for a higher calling, like construction! We're buildling a statue and we need your help! Call me now! |
| Jan
简 |
You know, pretty soon you won't be able to tell who's a human and who's an android. Why, the corporation is working on it right now. I know, I read about it. I tell my kids not to kiss other kids at school, "It might be an android... Suck your brains out." You must have seen the mini-series event on television. I read it in a book. We've got to stop looking at the stars- all this science fiction- and focus on the family. If you really want to dance like you're on the moon, go there and leave us in peace! ...And that's a fact! |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Eh... Uh... What's a fact? |
| Jan
简 |
I'm sorry Maurice, but I have to tell you... I'm moved to Florida to bring up the American way; in a theme park. And that's just the kind of person I am: opinionated and moronic. |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
I see, well... This panel is certainly interesting. The issue is morality. Recently, rock artists joined together to provide famine aide to Alaska with the song, "Do They Know It's the Fourth of July?" Critics complain it's immoral to meddle in the affairs of other peoples and cultures. Pastor Richards- |
| Richards
理查兹 |
What? |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
What do you make of meddling in other people's business like an over-opinionated sociopath? |
| Richards
理查兹 |
Well, let me say that money could have gone to much better things like reserving a place by my side in the Pastor Richards Salvation Statue, but I digress and plug. |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Stop doing that! |
| Richards
理查兹 |
Don't interrupt me, boy. Anywho, I address the Alaska issue in chapter 23 of my book. You see, the Alaskans are lunatics, plain simple. They eat whale and snow and sleep in the freezer. Who wants to eat snow every day? Oh, I tried to help. I sent a helicopter with copies of my book but they burned them in a pile for heat. If the people of Alaska choose to live there, let them, but don't come crying when you're tired of eating penguin and it snows 18 feet a day! |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Yes, but don't you think it's important- |
| Richards
理查兹 |
I think it's very important to listen to me, young man! That's what makes the state of Florida great. Rather than help improve where they are, people nationwide abandon hometowns, come down here, and shove their beliefs down everyone else's throats! That's the American way, always has been! We should send some pictures of Flordia to those people in Alaska. I tell you, they'd throw down that bear pelt, saddle up the sled dogs, and get pulled all the way to Vice City. And I should know, I'm from Mars! |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
No you're not! |
| Richards
理查兹 |
Uh... Mars, Alabama. I founded three colleges there. |
| Barry
巴里 |
The problem with Alaska is that people don't get naked. If you can't work on your car or play the cello or use sharp knives in your birthday suit, then what's the point of living? |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Uh, well it is a bit cold there. People put on clothes when it's cold. We evolved without a warm covering of hair. |
| Richards
理查兹 |
That's a lie, son! We come from the Great Meteor of Truth! |
| Barry
巴里 |
Clothes are a habit like shaving and taking out the trash! As soon as you stop you realize what a prisoner you were to society and a twisted state of morality. People think that nudists are immoral. Well, we're not! I'm married... I love my wife... In our commune, it's so wonderful to wake up in a big bed and go to breakfast clothed in nothing but a smile. |
| Richards
理查兹 |
What kind of people are there in your weirdo commune? |
| Barry
巴里 |
Single people, families, elderly couples, teachers, politicians, and especially truck drivers. Truck drivers understand what it's like to be by yourself for days on end, with nothing but country music on the radio and a stick in your hand, shifting gears... Over, and over. Truckers realize there's nothing to be ashamed of on the open road. Get naked, and beat it on down the line! You've never seen a sense of community and morality like a nudist colony. We share everything: the cooking, cleaning, wives... A shear sense of what it's like to be a social outcast. |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Uh, wait right there, Barry. I'm getting something through the cas- Headphones that is... Yes... Okay... We just want to tell you a little more about public radio funding. We'll be right back after this. [cuts to Jonathan and Michelle] |
| Michelle
米歇尔 |
Hello! I'm sure you're enjoying our high quality programing. I'm Michelle Montanius. Jonathan, I think it's time to acknowledge the people who are sending money in to shut us up and end this dreadful begathon. |
| Jonathan
乔纳森 |
Here's a $10 pledge from Fran in Little Havana. Wow, you think she could've given more than that. |
| Michelle
米歇尔 |
Yes. Mean bitch! I hope she dies an agonizing death! |
| Jonathan
乔纳森 |
Absolutely, Michelle! And remember, if you want us to wish you well, dig deep and dig soon. |
| Michelle
米歇尔 |
That's right. At any moment, conservatives could vote to end our funding and place a fast food restaurant where our studios are. See, there are some people that think everything has to make money. It doesn't! That's why you should give now. |
| Jonathan
乔纳森 |
Correct. Next week is environmental week, sponsored by Maibatsu and the Vice City Power Corporation. And next month, we're celebrating Proust's influence on Vice City, in association with The Degenetron. But for now, let's return to Pressing Issues. Remember, VCPR is an advertising free zone, much like the moon or Time Square. [back to Pressing Issues] |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Welcome back! The show is Pressing Issues! The subject is morality. I'm Maurice Chavez. Now, let's carry on pressing the issue! Now when the Europeans were done ruining their continent with bland food and soccer riots and arrived in the Americas in the late 15th century, the subject soon turned to morality. You see, the Europeans wanted to colonize America so they had somebody to make fun of. The pilgrims left England for the religious freedom in Holland where they visited coffeeshops and they packed up their ships with plenty of coffee, tea, and cakes to liven up the trip, they set sail to the new world... Which they heard had a magnificent rollercoaster! Once they got here, they were very hungry having been on ship for 65 days. So, they ate for three days straight. Thanksgiving soon became an annual custom. America was founded by people who wanted a place where they could tell other people how to live, and I'm a history major. But do we have the right? The question: Is it moral to celebrate Thanksgiving, a holiday that is clearly about gluttony, annoying relatives, and awful casserole? |
| Richards
理查兹 |
Well I, for one, love a casserole! And at my weekly meeting, my congregation has a pot luck. You see, a casserole is a lot like life Maurice, and that's basis of my philosophy. If you put a bunch of leftovers in a pan and bake it, someone will probably eat it. Like my book: You believe in your favorite sports team, then they get massacred; You believe in gravity, then it turns upside down on you; You love your favorite TV show, then the network ends it with a lousy finale. You can believe in me, and if you believe in something, support it. It's one thing to love in something, but if you don't shower it with money, then just don't talk to me. Communism... Don't make me puke my guts out, please! |
| Jan
简 |
Well, I myself love casseroles on Thanksgiving. And the way to teach your children the rich history of America is through theme parks! I just love Pilgrim World, especially the part where you get the slaughter your own buffalo and take home the meat, or give the locals the flu while buying their land off them for a pitance. That's what children need! |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Uh, what is? |
| Jan
简 |
Wholesome activities that benefit the family. What good is it if a kid plays Degeneratron for five hours? Oh sure, he's killing space aliens, thank you very much, but it ain't putting food on the table. And, he's learning bad language like [jibberish, can't tell what's she's saying]*. When my family go out to dinner we're starting from scratch, even if daddy is working late- again- We build our own spears, smear ourselves with dung, and wait in the swamps for something to come by.
[This just in] |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
In the suburbs? I bet your neighbors love you. How long do you wait? Don't you get arrested? |
| Jan
简 |
Hey, mister, I'm married! Look at the finger; it has a ring! I've got children for Pete sake's, stop eyeing me up! |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
I wasn't- |
| Jan
简 |
You were! I can see you undressing me with your eyes. Well, I tell you, I was a cheerleader and nearly a prom queen, and I could have married anyone, but I chose John- I CHOSE him because he had a kind face and a rich dad. I didn't know he was going to cheat on me or embarass me. I didn't know. But I won't be made a fool of. I've got the children. |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Okay Jan. It's okay. Men are idiots. Ask my ex-wife. Heh heh heh heh... Don't worry. Stay calm. I'm not eyeing you up, but I am a little worried about you. How are the children? Do they enjoy school? |
| Jan
简 |
Of course they do. That's precisely why I'm going to start home-schooling my children. High school is a cult. There's a group of savages that rule the roost, and get all the girls, and everyone else is picked on and abused. It happened to me and look at me: I'm a deranged mess and my husband cheats on me. I don't want my kids to go to a public high school. Instead, we have a prom each year in my living room. |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
...And that leads to my next question- |
| Barry
巴里 |
People in high school in Chile are all naked! |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
I've about had it with you, Barry! I tried to be fair... I tried to be kind, but you are a freak and a liar and wasting everybody's time. The organs below the belt are for reproduction and removing of bodily waste. There's reason that when I go to buy a soda, or a transmission, I need to be distracted by your privates dangling about. Now when I go to the store to buy an air conditioning filter, I'd rather not have to look at your money-maker, amigo! I'm glad you're proud of it, but when people of Vice City are in a Kwik-E-Mart, they should be able to have a simple financial transaction without seeing your firehose! Are you with me? |
| Barry
巴里 |
Sorry, Maurice! |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
That's okay. Just try to behave. I think the sun must have got to you or something. |
| Barry
巴里 |
Yes, maybe that's it. |
| Richards
理查兹 |
Maurice, if I may, you have a fine show here and... and I'm glad to be on it, but everyone within the sound of my voice and smell will die in the fires of doom. It is written, "TV is trash, radio is trash, our newspapers are run by Canadians with an agenda. Our very way of life is threatened. We formed this great state to plague all, and I'll be damned if any weirdo hippies are going to tell us we can't fill in wetlands and make a home for ourselves, complete with 18 hole championship standard courses and selective admission. Heathens will ruin the land, acid will rain from the skies, we'll never hear my voice again- It will be anarchy! |
| Jan
简 |
TV teaches immorality! Refugees, glue, the price of tea in China... How can we raise chidren in this environment? My little boy asked me the other day, [childish voice] "Mommy, are unicorns real?" What am I supposed to say to that? Do I lie and make myself as bad as the boy's father, or do I break the little boy's heart and ruin his life so that he ends up a nudist or a freak or something. |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
It's a difficult question, Jan. A very difficult question. Is it right to lie? |
| Barry
巴里 |
Clothes are a lie, Maurice! |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
No, Barry. Clothes are a way of keeping warm and not getting arrested. |
| Barry
巴里 |
No policeman has ever hit me with his truncheon- |
| Richards
理查兹 |
I'd like to hit you back to Hell, you sicko! You're filth! Human form of vermin! A blight on a fine society of picket fences and garden parties, and everyone coming three times a day to my statue to pay homage. |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Pastor Richards, as a human being, I have to say I find your philosophy or cult or whatever it is utterly and completely appauling. |
| Richards
理查兹 |
Why thank you! I knew you'd understand. |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
I mean, you seem to want to build a religion around yourself in some 1950's vision of America. It's the 1980's, man! And one man worship-me cults are not allow, my friend! |
| Richards
理查兹 |
Exactly! As I say in the great book, "Many are called, but unless you have a good credit rating, go screw yourself. You'll burn in Hell." |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Aye, por favor, shut up! Uh, Barry, what are you doing? |
| Barry
巴里 |
I'm lonely, Maurice! Lonely and I need some bodily contact. |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Get behind! Get back behind that pannel! |
| Barry
巴里 |
Don't be shy! Please, we've all got one! That means I'm happy! |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Hey, stay away from me! I'm a celebrity! |
| Jan
简 |
Oh good lord! |
| Richards
理查兹 |
Mind yourself, boy! I warn you, I'm armed and I'm not afraid to use it! |
| Barry
巴里 |
We've all got one! Look how free I am! ...MMM! The fan feels so good! I feel you! |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Hey! Hey, Pastor Richards, please! Put that gun away! Put it away! |
| Richards
理查兹 |
No! I am a sole judge/soldier** of the truth* and decency. Get back, heathen! Get back!
|
| Barry
巴里 |
I love you all! |
| Richards
理查兹 |
Evil-doer! Die, devil, die!!! [gun fire] |
| Barry
巴里 |
AHHH! OWW! |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Dios mio! You shot him! There-there-there's blood, and-and pubic hair all over the studio! Ladies and gentlemen, it is complete pandemonium here on Pressing Issues with me, the multi-award winning and soon to be executed Maurice Chavez. Barry, are you okay? Are you alive? |
| Barry
巴里 |
Stop the bleeding, it's down there! |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Do I have to? Can't you get someone else? |
| Jan
简 |
[moans] |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Jan
简! Aye, Dios mio, he's fainted! |
| Barry
巴里 |
No, hold it... Harder! Oh, that's so good! I need mouth to mouth. Maurice, please, I might die |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Uh... Okay... Excuse me, I'm only doing this to save your life. I don't want to. |
| Barry
巴里 |
Thanks... I'm getting cold. Quickly, it's okay to use tongues. |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
AHHH! Get off of me! I'm happily divorced! |
| Richards
理查兹 |
Shall I send him to Hell, Maurice? |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Yes- I mean no... No, you psychotic lunatic! Put that gun away, don't point it at me! |
| Richards
理查兹 |
...Or you'll what, son? You think I'm scared of your conventional, lilly-livered morality? You think you can tell me what to do? You think it's wrong for me to have five concubines and spread my genes, or to use money from the statue for building my own palace in Hawaii? You think that's wrong, do you son? Do you? Huh? Huh? Huh? |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
No! NO NO NO-HOHOHO Mr. Pastor! It's alright! I think it's very right. Very right, indeed. You're the boss! You're in charge! You're the king! |
| Richards
理查兹 |
Damn right I am! Now I'll tell you about morality. Morality is what I say is right, and immorality is what I say is wrong. You got to understand this! |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
[clears throat] Oh, I do! |
| Barry
巴里 |
Ugh... I'm bleeding! I need a proctologist! |
| Richards
理查兹 |
Shut it! Now, next question. Ask me anything! Ask me anything you want! |
| Maurice
莫里斯 |
Yeah... Well, I'd love to, but it seems that that is about all we have time for, actually. The thing is, you see, this is public radio and every once in a while we need to appeal for money, or cut away when people start brandishing guns, like this. You're on Pressing Issues and in this show we discussed morality. I think we made a lot of progress and really came together. I am Maurice Chavez. Bye, uh... Please, don't kill me! [cuts to Jonathan and Michelle] |
| Jonathan
乔纳森 |
I hope you were enjoying Pressing Issues. I certainly was. |
| Michelle
米歇尔 |
Yes, it's almost as interesting as listening to you, Jonahtan! |
| Jonathan
乔纳森 |
Wow... Thanks Michelle! It is, isn't it? Before we let you get back to the show, I thought you'd like to know VCPR has managed to raise $30 this hour, which should keep us on the air for another 15 minutes at least. |
| Michelle
米歇尔 |
Thankfully, due to the generosity of the people at Dileo and Furax, the fascinating show, Legal Review, will still run. But, now, back to Pressing Issues. |
| Jonathan
乔纳森 |
Actually before we let you get back to the show, I'd like to say something. I know that public radio may not seem very important in an era of poverty and famine and immense personal greed, but I can assure you it is. And not just because I say so, look at the facts! 15 of the last 37 American presidents and 47 vice-presidents have appeared on VCPR in the last month. 33% of all Nobel prize winners started out in public radio. Without public radio, we would never have discovered gravity... or the pizza... or the fact that a lot of people love to hear themselves rattle. Anyway, sermon over. I hope you folks at home understand how passionate we are about public radio and it has nothing to do with the fact that I got kicked off the networks. |
| Michelle
米歇尔 |
That was very moving, Jonathan. Back to Pressing Issues. Where is the creep? Put him on! [goes back to Pressing Issues] |