VCPR（罪恶都市）

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VCPR紧迫问题节目Logo。

Vice City Public Radio（VCPR，罪恶都市公共广播）是侠盗猎车手：罪恶都市里的一个电台，该电台只有人声并无音乐。

该电台有个叫做紧迫问题（Pressing Issues）的采访节目，该栏目会选择一个特定的问题，由主持人Maurice Chavez（男性）在选定的嘉宾之间进行非正式辩论。根据查韦斯的说法，该栏目在1981年期间或之前就已经开始在某些地方播出。

该电台总时长为86分24秒，共有3个话题，第一个是关于道德（Morality）的议题，持续时长为34分14秒；第二个是感知和积极思考（Perception and Positive Thinking），持续时长为20分38秒；第三个是公共安全（Public Safety），持续时长为31分29秒。（可以用来练听力。）

值得一提的是，这里的嘉宾都是某一类性格的极端代表，比如过于乐观，过于伸张小众群体，过于信奉修正主义等。还请辩证的看待，图一乐！

为提高用户体验，避免过长的语音缓冲时间，语音维基在尽量减小音质损失的情况下将语音文件按照内容手动切分为3段（游戏文件里是连成一整段的。），文件大小控制在了10MB以内。

涉及到的人物简介

人物
姓名	配音演员	简介
Maurice Chavez 莫里斯	Phillip Anthony Rodriguez	VCPR电台上的唯一节目紧迫问题的主持人。是一个退休的小丑和离婚的男人，据说“生活在边缘”，莫里斯接管了这个节目，并让每个人闭嘴。
Jonathan Freeloader 乔纳森	Patrick Olsen	运营VCPR的人之一。之前在一个网络站工作，和他的搭档米歇尔不断为站点乞讨。
Michelle Montanius 米歇尔	Kelly Guest	与乔纳森在VCPR上共事，似乎拥有一种相当冷酷的态度。
Alex Shrub 亚历克斯	Chris Lucas	一个州的代表，利用他的宣传给自己树立一个正面的形象。
Callum Crayshaw 科勒姆	Sean Modica	一个用父亲的钱设立信托基金的年轻人。周游世界，见识过许多文化。希望将其他文化的原则应用到美国，给他们「希望」和「梦想」。
John F. Hickory 约翰	LJ Gansen	一个有反动理想的乡下人。想要将佛罗里达州与美国其他地区分开，以将「局外人」拒之门外。
Pastor Richards 理查兹	David Green	一位受到80年代传教士吉米斯瓦加特启发的反动牧师。理查兹计划建造一座他自己的雕像，并与任何资助这座雕像的人一起将其发射到太空，这样做的原因是为了抛弃那些「道德败坏」的人。
Jan Brown 简	Maureen Sillman	一个重视家庭的保守母亲。她的丈夫不断欺骗她，艰难的过去使她的心智受损，这也让她的孩子们的心智出现问题。
Barry Stark 巴里	Renaud Sebbane	一个「自然主义者」，或者换句话说，就是裸体主义者，来到VCPR向世界讲述穿衣服是多么「邪恶」的行为。
Jenny Louise Crab 珍妮	Mary Birdsong	一个父母被残忍杀害的女人。尽管发生了这样的事件，珍妮似乎保持着乐观的态度。
Konstantinos Smith 史密斯	Konstantinos.com	一个严重抑郁的哥特人，穿着一身黑衣服，经常谈论死亡。对任何事情总是抱有消极的态度，总是做最坏的打算。
Jeremy Robard 杰拉米	Peter Silvestro	一个引导人们积极思考的人，时不时的在节目上插话。

道德

Media:GTAVC_VCPR_Clip01.mp3	Morality. Click to play!
	关于道德的辩论，耗费流量约8MB

涉及到的角色：Maurice Chavez, Pastor Richards, Jan Brown, and Barry Stark。仅提供英文台词。

台词

The "Morality" segment of Pressing Issues begins. Maurice Thank you, guys. So, we're back on Pressing Issues, just one of many fine shows you'll hear if you have the patience to listen to public radio, although, thanks to the many awards we have won, Pressing Issues has extended playtime and is the #1 rated show in the Vice City area. I'm your very entertaining host, Maurice Chavez, a man climbing the broadcasting ladder at a rate of 6 nuts. Six years ago, I was a clown, and now, I'm a success! (chuckles) Think about it, imagine where I could be in ten years? I could achieve anything. Anyway, morality. What is it? Why do we need it? Our ancestors, shortly after discovering fire, built tools to beat each other over the head, and discovered how to make meat to celebrate with afterwards. Then, Columbus came over, shut down the Pilgrim discourse. Why? All very confusing, if you ask me. And you did, and I asked myself: that is a perfect subject for a region-wide discussion show, which is very lucky because I happen to host one. To discuss the subject of morality, we have firebrand preacher Pastor Richards, the head of the Pastor Richards Salvation Statue Organization, a group which plans to raise enough money to build a statue of Pastor Richards himself. We also have Jan, leader of Moms Against Popular Culture, or MAPC, or is it MAPS? MAPK, uh, I don't know. We're deep in acronym hell right now, or is it purgatory? And, finally, we have Barry Stark, author of the book "As Nature Intended". He's the editor of Vice City's Naturist News, and is working fieverishly, it says here "to bring more nude recreation to Vice City". To protect the dignity of our other panelists, we placed Mr. Barry Stark behind a divider. Barry I'm naked back here! It's my right as a person! Maurice Yes... Let's start with the obvious, yes? Is it moral to be naked? Barry Yes! You can't stop me. Jan Well, I'm a mother, so I have to deal with this issue every day. My adorable kids have learned that it's wrong to be naked! When it's bath time, they know to put on a bathing costume. That's-that's also the reason there are no mirrors in my house. Nudity leads to bad, naughty things! Barry Maurice, if I may interrupt, I haven't worn clothes since 1982. Clothes are seriously unnatural. Didn't you guys learn anything from the 60s? I had a revelation when I was in Halle in Germany. I always felt very constricted, then it hit me like a slippery fish. Clothes are plain wrong! When you're born, you're not wearing any clothes. When you die, you're not wearing any clothes. Maurice I'm going to have to interrupt you there. What if you die at work? What if an enormous piece of machinery falls on you while you're working? Barry Clothes lead to immorality, nudity stops people from fighting! Have you seen an issue of National Geographics lately? People around the world are nude. You don't wanna shoot a machine gun, or a howitzer, or a flamethrower if you're naked. It could burn or scald in quite a personal fashion. Quite frankly, have you been to the zoo? Animals are naked. If everyone were naked, there'd be no war. Everyone's complaining about crime, and the theft of cars in the city. No one's ever stolen my car, no one's ever pickpocketed me, they've never even tried. Pastor That's because you're a degenerate loony! Barry If the police were naked, it would set a great example to everyone. You can direct traffic and eat donuts entirely in the buff. Pastor Maurice, this kind of immoral behavior is exactly why I'm building a Pastor Richards Salvation Statue. Noah had an ark, Texans had the Alamo, and I'm building a highly fortified structure in my image. Simple. This 50-story statue will be able to deflect alpha, gamma and beta radiation. The day is coming, and coming soon when the artificial suns will reign down to punish the degenerates of this city, but you can save yourself. The Pastor Richards Salvation Statue will be a completely self-sufficient community. We have canned food rations, private living quarters and enough supplies to survive happily the predicted 40,000 years of nuclear winter. In phase 2, and with funding from NASA, we will equip this massive statue with rockets, so when the poopy hits the proverbial fan, we will load up the statue with all of the people who have saved themselves through generous donations, blast into space and colonize Saturn with a race of morally correct, affluent people ruled by me. Barry Hmm, will there be naked people? Pastor No, turdbrain! It's morally corrupt people like you we're shielding ourselves from: liberals, degenerates, the Welsh, they're the ones responsible for the nightmare Vice City is today, the crime in the streets, the parties, the children born out of wedlock to a future of hopelessness. Anyone who does not agree with me is mentally sick and should be shot, I'm afraid to say. We need to build a place to escape these transgressions! Maurice Phew, heh heh, that's extreme stuff, Pastor! What, we'll leave amateur eugenics for a minute and ask our other panellist. Jan, you're a mom, so you know everything. What is your thought on all this, and do you think Pastor Richards stole his ideas from a movie or book? Jan Well, yes, I am a mom. My kids are very special. So special, they go to special classes! N-I-I teach my kids history to give them perspective. Last night, I was telling them about how Magellan sailed around the Strait of Magellan and met some friendly natives that gave him supplies. Um, then he had to kill all of them, and that's an important lesson about life. If you look at nature, you'll see many species that eat their children to protect them. Th-this is especially true of hamsters. It's about putting the family first. That's really important to me, and where a lot of my morality comes from. And if you don't like it, find your own husband and stay away from mine, okay? Maurice Okay, but, uh, excuse me if I sound a little confused here, but, I don't think I understand... Jan Now, my morality comes from looking at history and biology, and working out what's best for my kids and screw anyone else! That's what this country's all about. I mean, I mean I saw the hippies, what a load of claptrap! What-what's your kid gonna do at a school with a name like "Moonbeam" or "Wave" or "Horseradish" or whatever they call him? How can you take your kid to a Little League game when you live in a communal farm growing drugs?! It's awful! And that's what my life is about: looking down on others. Maurice Yes, I think I can see that now. Moving on. Pastor Richards, in your book, you talk about putting yourself first, and how people should not make sacrifices or help those in need. Do you want to elaborate? Pastor Oh, that's right. People need to learn how to take care of themselves and not depend on others. If you read chapter 45 of my book, I talk about how being selfish is a virtue. The best thing you can do for someone that needs help is to tell them to help themselves, that builds moral character, morality, Maurice! There's not much left in this city, every time a culture has taken on the doctrine of helping your fellow man, we get thrown into the dark age...look at Russia. They keep trying to help each other out, extend a hand to a neighbor, and guess what? Every 10 years, someone's invading, burning down their homes and taking their toilet paper. Napoleon, Stalin, Attila the Hun, all of them! After you read my book, you will understand I may have been born in the sea, but I'm no dummy. Barry Ugh, are we gonna talk about being naked? Maurice (nervously) Yes, soon, Barry. Keep your hair on and-uh, calm down, please, my friend. (clears throat) Divorce rates are up, standardized test scores are down, vampire sightings at the mall, can the family be saved? Or, to put it in another way, if we're meant to be monogamous, why weren't we born already married? Jan, over to you. Jan Well, since I'm a happily married mother, I know the family unit is the basis of all society. Now, even when my husband is working late, or away on an extended business trip to Hawaii with his secretary, I understand just how important the family unit is in life. He's working hard, so I can get another station wagon with even more wood on it. Maurice Go on, tell me more about your family. Jan Well, I like to compare it to nature. After all, it is one planet, even if we do just want to maim and kill each other, especially me. Now, look at sharks and sandworms. Oh, and one of my hobbies besides making babies and criticizing people is biology. You learn so much from nature! People these days, they don't grow their own food. They can barely get out of their recliners and make it to the supermarket. (chuckling) Let me tell you, there's nothing super about that place! Kids these days don't know how to preserve and can their own food. Now, no wonder all they wanna do is play video games or hang out with their friends. What is it, the Degeneratron? What a crock of shit! Maurice (chuckling) Hey, watch your language. This is radio, we have regulations about that sort of thing. Jan But you let a naked man on! Maurice Eh, he's behind the screen, you can't see him, it's not that exciting. Imagine a flabby guy with a ponytail and a nasty rash. You get the picture. Jan Imagine one? I married one! Anyway, what was I saying? Maurice Eh, you were discussing the Degenatron, which I understand is a games machine, then you swore. Jan I'm sorry, it makes me so mad! I mean, when I heard my son, Patrick III, I heard him using slang words in the house the other day: "rad" and "cool" and "stick it"... I mean, I beat him to within an inch of his life, and he will never make that mistake again. American should be spoken properly! Maurice What? Jan No, don't interrupt me, I've got children, you know. Please, this is really important, it's about the family! Look, look, nobody knows how to cook anymore. Nobody knows how to kill anymore, nobody knows how to kill dinner. My daddy was a very wise man, before that tractor pole accident, my daddy taught me how to slaughter a pig. That's very useful information. Oh, sure, I was a little nervous at first, but he put me in a room with a fork and a fat sow and told me he'd be back in an hour for some fat back and hog jowls. As a mother, I'm proud to say I throttled the life out of that little piggie. I did it for my family and I'll do it again! Feeding the family is my job as a mother. Daddy earns money and goes away with his secretary and mommy provides dinner and keeps a brave face on things, even though her heart is breaking. Where are my pills? Maurice Barry, you look like you've got something to say. Barry I agree. Statistics show that families that spend time together naked are the best kinds of families. You see, social class distinctions disappear when everyone is naked. I can't tell if you're rich or poor, black or white, it doesn't matter 'cause we're all naked. Designer clothes? Try designer nudism! My body was made by the best designer around - mother nature. That's why we're lobbing to build a naked casino in Vice City so old people can gamble naked and poor people can lose hope in the buff. Pastor It is written, chapter 23, verse 5 of my book, "He that gambles his money away is a fool, but he who believes in me will go to spend eternity in space with other affluent, well-to-do people". It's that simple, do what I say and you won't have to think for yourself! Maurice Oh, but I think it is, Pastor. We look around, nudie clubs, discos, drinking, do people want to be moral? Can you legislate morality? Can we tell people how to live their lives? Pastor Absolutely. Yes, of course I can. Just look at Prohibition or, or the Cultural Revolution in China, we can learn a lot from history. Chairman Mao or Stalin, they purged their lands of degenerates and entire lectuals, the scum of the Earth in my book, and look at the great societies they built, people want to be told how to act, and most people are idiots, and that's exactly who my teachings appeal to. This lawless, permissive society has no boundaries, and without boundaries, how do you know where the limits are? You have to know what's good and what's evil, you need someone to tell you so. Single moms have obese kids, it's a fact, while rich people have a lot of guilt, unnecessarily, in my opinion! Jan I agree. I don't think these people understand just how hard it is to potty-train. You have to give a treat when precious makes a poopie. My kids are big-boned and they eat prunes every day, but that's what's wrong with this country, all of this emphasis on being thin and healthy. When my children are hungry I hand them a spear and send them out to the park to catch their own food. They're learning how to be self-sufficient! Yesterday, my youngest Jono, killed the postman, but at least he was trying. So, I gave a cuddle, I told him to hit daddy next time he comes home late smelling of cheap perfume. Maurice ...Okay. It's time to take a break before we hear about any more criminal acts against government employees. You are listening to Pressing Issues, morality is the subject at hand, let's explain exactly how free radio without commercial breaks works. We'll be right back. The program takes a break and cuts to Jonathan and Michelle's pledge drive. Jonathan You're listening to VCPR, finally, a radio station for teachers and librarians! You've been enjoying Pressing Issues, but as is normal, you can't listen to hours worth of programming on this station without us begging for money. It's the bi-daily beg-a-thon here on VCPR, where we hold your favorite shows hostage until you pony up some cash. Michelle You know what's so great about VCPR? It's like a shining torch of cultural enlightenment for Vice City. In these times of darkness, when the hordes are so uneducated they can barely understand multisyllabic phrases like "Clean my shoes better, Marisa, or I'll report you to the IRS!" or "dialectical materialism". Isn't it pleasant to have a patronizing voice on the radio? Jonathan That's right, Michelle. With the way things are going under Reagan, at any moment, the unwashed huns from the Midwest could descend upon Vice City and enslave the poets and postal workers, and force us to watch network programming. Michelle That is a frightening thought. But like many things in life, you can throw your money at something and feel better about yourself. VCPR is your public radio station, but you have to open your wallets. Jonathan That's right. If you pledge at the $1000 level, you'll get tickets for In the Future, There will be Robots at the Vice City Art Center. Michelle People who see that show say it's difficult to put into English. That must mean it's spectacular! Jonathan Yes, but if you don't give money to VCPR, we could be thrown back to the stone age. Liberals will be set on fire in the streets. Give now! Let's return to Pressing Issues. Over to you, Maurice, in the studio. (whispering) Useless, talentless asshole. Michelle (whispering) You're correct, he is an asshole. The program resumes to the "Morality" segment of Pressing Issues. Maurice I love those guys. Really professional and living proof that all of the best talent isn't on commercial networks. These people do it for love, because they have integrity, just like me. We're back with Pressing Issues, I'm Maurice Chavez, winner of 5 Public Radio Awards in the Vice City area, including "Best Voice". On this show, we take complex issues and boil them down to simple ones so you can understand. On this segment of the show, we're discussing morality. Since the beginning of time, man has asked questions: "Why are we here?", "What time is it?" and "Is there a place around here a guy can get a drink?". Early man, as seen in the cave of Lascaux in France, questioned the morality of making the mammoth extinct. I think we all know what happened there! Is it society's job to tell each other how to live? Recently, Vice City considered passing a public curfew that says nobody can be on the streets after 8:30 PM. Of course, the bill didn't get passed, but it made people think: if you don't vote, you get morons in charge. Is that moral? I'm not sure! Let's press the issue! Barry Children should be at home with their parents naked. A curfew makes sense. You know how much money I save not having to wear trendy clothes? Read a history book! At the creation of the universe, the Big Bang, everyone was naked, even you. Why do I have to stay behind this divider? Maurice, please! Pastor Because nobody is interested in seeing your "business", because we have standards of decency, which you are offending. Barry (jumping) Look at me, I'm jumping up and down! Jan Oh my goodness, get back behind that divider, please, I'm married! Barry What's so wrong with me? Why do you hate me, because I'm happy?! Jan, gimme a hug, I won't hurt you. And by the sound of things, your husband is doing the same right now with his secretary. Jan No, we worked through it. He was stressed, it's hard keeping a family together these days. Barry Everyone, take your clothes off and feel what it's like to be free of bondage! Everyone out there in Vice City, take your clothes off! If this is the land of the free, let's start with our pants! Feel the wind from the air conditioning, uh, a breeze is so liberating! Maurice Uh, thanks very much. Now, if you could get back behind that divider, Barry, please. Otherwise, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Thank you, n-now sit down. On Pressing Issues, we think it is very important to respect one another, to treat each other like we would like to be treated. Barry I want a hug... Pastor If you don't like the United States, son, why don't you move to Russia? I don't understand people in America today, they call this the Cold War, but it's hotter than Hell. Mark my words, any day now, you're sitting in school, passing notes and talking about the prom, when, suddenly, you look out the window and there are Russian paratroopers dropping in to take over! What can you do? Run into the woods with your friends, call yourselves "The Wolverines", put twigs in your hand, try to beat back the Russkies? No. You hightail it to Pastor Richards Salvation Statue and blast off into space, but there is a limited amount of space. That's why I suggest anyone who wants the safety and security of your own bunker, give now! Call 1-866-9-SAVEME. We'll get you on the payment plan and if you paid in full on D-Day, you and your family will be safe, if not, you may have to choose to save yourself and leave the others behind... Maurice Hey, hey hey hey, stop selling things on my show. You're not a value sponsor who supports the art of public radio, buddy. Jan I, for one, welcome our new Russian masters. We can learn so much from other cultures. Did you know in India, the women protest by setting themselves on fire? I tell you, next time the kids are screaming for ice cream and pop, I may just douse myself in kerosene! I use that as a threat to my kids all the time, so it's no wonder they're so screwed up. That's one of the tough things about being a mom, not ruining their lives with guilt. As a matter of fact, I don't let my kids watch cartoons or slasher flicks. Maurice Really? Jan That Knife After Dark movie may be #1 in the box office, but my kids certainly ain't gonna see it. If you don't raise your kids right, they end up being like nude boy over there, or working in radio. I want them to get proper jobs, like being a doctor, not a patient. Barry That is offensive. My mother understood I was special. She made me wear a button as a child, and when I demanded to go to school naked, she was fine with it. After social services moved me, she would still write to me. I still remember when she kissed me goodbye. Maurice But Barry, earlier, you said you discovered naturism, taking your clothes off, whatever it is in Germany. Barry I know, but I lie a lot. Uh, I got a lot of personal issues. Look at me. P-please, Maurice? I need a hug. Pastor There's another example of immorality in this city - public showing of affection. People think we want to see them making out and carrying on. I understand your hormones rage like a wild animal and you want to ravage one another like there's no tomorrow, but you have to ignore what your body is telling you and work for a higher calling, like construction. We're building a statue and we need your help, call me now! Jan You know, pretty soon you won't be able to tell who's a human and who's an android. Why, the corporation is working on it right now. I know, I read about it. I tell my kids not to kiss other kids at school, it might be an android, suck your brains out. You must've seen the mini-series of it on television? I've read it in a book. We've got to stop looking at the stars, all the science fiction and focus on the family! N-if you really wanna dance like you're on the moon, go there and leave us in peace! And that's a fact. Maurice Ye-uh, what's a fact? Jan I'm sorry, Maurice, but I have to tell you. I moved to Florida to bring my kids up the American way, in a theme park, and that's just the kind of person I am - opinionated and moronic. Maurice I see. Well, this panel is certainly interesting. The issue is morality. Recently, rock artists joined together to provide famine aid to Alaska with a song "Do They Know It's the 4th of July?". Critics complained it's immoral to meddle in the affairs other peoples and cultures. Pastor Richards... Pastor What? Maurice Uh, what do you make of meddling in other people's business like an overopinionated sociopath? Pastor Well, let me say, that money could've gone to much better things, like reserving a place by side in the Pastor Richards Salvation Statue, but I digress and plug. Maurice Stop doing that! Pastor Don't interrupt me, boy. Anyhoo, I address the Alaska issue in chapter 23 of my book. You see, the Alaskans are lunatics, plain and simple. They eat whales, and snow, and they sleep in the freezer. Who wants to eat snow every day? Oh, I tried to help, I sent a helicopter with copies of my book, but they burned them in a pile for heat. If the people of Alaska choose to live there, let them, but don't come crying when you're tired of eating penguin and it snows 18 feet a day! Maurice Yes, but don't you think it's important... Pastor I think it's very important to listen to me, young man! That's what makes the state of Florida great - rather than helping prove where they are, people nationwide abandon their hometowns, come down here, and shove their beliefs down everyone else's throats! That's the American way, always has been. We should send some pictures of Florida to those people in Alaska, I tell you, they'd throw down that bear pelt, saddle up the sled dogs and get pulled all the way to Vice City, and I should know, I'm from Mars! Maurice No, you're not. Pastor Uh...Mars, Alabama. I founded three colleges there. Barry The problem with Alaska is that people don't get naked. If you can't work on your car, play the cello or use sharp knives in your birthday suit, then what's the point of living? Maurice Uh, well, it is a bit cold there. People put on clothes when it's cold. We evolved without a warm covering of hair. Pastor That's a lie, sir, we come from the great meteor of truth! Barry Clothes are a habit, like shaving and taking out the trash. As soon as you stop, you realize what a prisoner you were to society and the twisted state of morality. People think that nudists are immoral. Well, we're not! I'm married, I love my wife, in our commune, it's so wonderful to wake up in a big bed and go to breakfast clothed in nothing but a smile. Pastor What kind of people are there in your weirdo commune?! Barry Single people, families, elderly couples, teachers, politicians, and especially truck drivers. Truck drivers understand what it's like to be by yourself for days on end, with nothing but country music on the radio, and the stick in your hand shifting gears over and over. Truckers realize there's nothing to be ashamed of on the open road. Get naked and beat it on down the line! You've never seen a sense of community and morality like a nudist colony. We share everything: the cooking, cleaning, wives, a shared sense of what it's like to be a complete social outcast. Maurice Uh, wait right there, Barry, I'm getting something through the cats...uh, headphones, that is. Yes? Yeah, okay. Uh, we just want to tell you a little more about public radio funding. We'll be right back after this. The program takes a break and cuts to Jonathan and Michelle's pledge drive. Michelle Hello, I'm sure you're enjoying our high quality programming. I'm Michelle Montanius. Jonathan, I think it's time to acknowledge the people who are sending money in to shut us up and end this dreadful beg-a-thon. Jonathan Here's a $10 pledge from Fran in Little Havana. Wow, you'd think she could've given more than that? Michelle Yes. Mean bitch, I hope she dies an agonizing death! Jonathan Absolutely, Michelle. And remember, if you want us to wish you well, dig deep and dig soon. Michelle That's right. At any moment, conservatives can vote to end our funding and place a fast-food restaurant where our studios are. See, there are some people that think everything has to make money. It doesn't, that's why you should give now! Jonathan Correct. Next week is Environmental Week, sponsored by Maibatsu and the Vice City Power Corporation, and next month, we're celebrating Pruce's influence on Vice City, in association with the Degenatron. But, for now, let's return to Pressing Issues. Remember, VCPR is an advertising-free zone, much like the Moon or Times Square. The program resumes to the "Morality" segment of Pressing Issues. Maurice Welcome back! The show is Pressing Issues, the subject is morality. I'm Maurice Chavez. Let's carry on pressing the issue. Now, when the Europeans were done ruining their continent with bland food and soccer riots and arrived in the Americas in the late 15th century, the subject soon turned to morality. You see, Europeans wanted to colonize America so they had somebody to make fun of. The Pilgrims left England for the religious freedom in Holland, where they visited coffee shops and after they packed up their ships with plenty of coffee, tea and cakes to liven up the trip, they set sail for the new world, which they heard had a magnificent rollercoaster. Once they got here, they were very hungry, having been on a ship for 65 days. So, they ate for 3 days straight. Thanksgiving quickly became an annual custom. America was founded by people who wanted a place where they could tell other people how to live. And I'm a history major. But do we have the right? The question: is it moral to celebrate Thanksgiving, a holiday that is clearly about gluttony, annoying relatives and awful casserole? Pastor Well, I, for one, love a casserole, and at my weekly meeting, my congregation has a potluck. You see, a casserole is a lot like life, Maurice, and that's the basis of my philosophy. If you put a bunch of leftovers from the fridge in a pan and bake it, somebody will probably eat it. It's like my book: you believe in your favorite sports team, then they get massacred, you believe in gravity, then it turns upside down on you, you love your favorite TV show, then the network ends it with a lousy finale, but you can believe in me, and if you believe in something, support it. It's one thing to love something, but if you don't shower it with money, then just don't talk to me. Communism, don't make me puke my guts out, please! Jan Well, I, myself, love casseroles on Thanksgiving. And the way to teach your children the rich history of America is through theme parks. I just love Pilgrim World, especially the part where you get to slaughter your own buffalo and take home the meat, or give the locals the flu while buying their land off them for a pittance. That's what children need! Maurice What is? Jan Wholesome activities that benefit the family. Now, what good is it if a kid plays Degeneratron for 5 hours? Oh, sure, he's killing space aliens, thank you very much, but it ain't putting food on the table, and he's learning bad language, like "mleep-bleep-bleep". When my family go out to dinner, we're starting from scratch, even if daddy is working late, again. We build our own spears, smear ourselves in dung and then wait in a swamp for something to come by. Maurice In the suburbs?! I bet your neighbors love you! How long do you wait? Don't you get arrested? Jan Hey, mister, I'm married. Look at the finger. It has a ring. I've got children, for Pete's sake, stop eye-ing me up! Maurice I wasn't... Jan You were! I can see you undressing me with your eyes. Well, I tell you, I was a cheerleader and nearly a prom queen, and I could've married anyone, but I chose John. I chose him because he had a kind face and a rich dad. I didn't know he was gonna cheat on me or embarrass me. I didn't know. But I won't be made a fool of, I've got the children. Maurice Okay, Jan, it's okay. Men are idiots. Ask my ex-wife! (chuckles) Don't worry, stay calm. I'm not eye-ing you up, but I am a little worried about you. How are the children? Do they enjoy school? Jan Of course they do! That's precisely why I'm going to start home-schooling my children. High school is a cult! There's a group of savages that rule the roost and get all the girls and everyone else is picked on and abused. It happened to me and look at me: I'm a deranged mess and my husband cheats on me. I don't want my kids to go to a public high school! Instead, we have a prom each year in my living room. Maurice And that leads to my next question... Barry People in high school and cheering are all naked! Maurice I've about had it with you, Barry. I tried to be fair, I tried to be kind, but you are a freak, and a liar, and wasting everybody's time. The organs below the belt are for reproduction and removing of bodily waste. There's no reason that, when I go to buy a soda or a transmission, I need to be distracted by your privates dangling about. Now, when I go to the store to buy an air conditioning filter, I'd rather not have to look at your moneymaker, amigo! I'm glad you are proud of it, but when people of Vice City are in a quick-e-mart, they should be able to have a simple financial transaction without seeing your fire hose! Are you with me? Barry Sorry, Maurice. Maurice That's okay. Just try to behave, I think the sun must've got to you, or something. Barry Yes, maybe that's it. Pastor Maurice, if I may, you have a fine show here, and-and I'm glad to be on it, but everyone within the sound of my voice and smell will die in the fires of doom. It is written: "TV is trash, radio is trash, our newspapers are run by Canadians with an agenda, our very way of life is threatened." We formed this great state to play golf, and I'll be damned if any weirdo hippies are gonna tell us we can't fill in wetlands and make a home for ourselves complete with 18-hole championship standard courses and selective admission. Heathens will ruin the land, acid will rain from the skies, we'll never hear my voice again, it will be anarchy! Jan TV teaches immorality! Refugees, glue, the price of tea and China, how can we raise children in this environment? My little boy asked me the other day, "Mommy, are unicorns real?" What am I supposed to say to that?! Do I lie and make myself as bad as the boy's father? Or do I break the little boy's heart and ruin his life so that he ends up a nudist, or a freak, or something? Maurice It's a difficult question, Jan, a very difficult question. Is it right to lie? Barry Clothes are a lie, Maurice! Maurice No, Barry, clothes are a way of keeping warm and not getting arrested. Barry No policeman has ever hit me with his truncheon! Pastor I'd like to hit you back to Hell, you sicko! You're filth, human form of vermin, a blight on the fine society of picket fences and garden parties, and everyone coming three times a day to my statue to pay homage! Maurice Pastor Richards, as a human being, I have to say, I find your philosophy, or cult, or whatever it is, utterly and completely appaling. Pastor Why, thank you! I knew you'd understand. Maurice I mean, you seem to want to build a religion around yourself in some 1950s vision of America. It's the 1980s, man! And one-man-worship-me cults are not allowed, my friend. Pastor Exactly, as I say in the great book: "Many are called, but unless you have a good credit rating, go screw yourself, you'll burn in Hell". Maurice Ay, por favor, shut up! B-Barry, what are you doing? Barry I'm lonely, Maurice! Lonely, and I need some bodily contact! Maurice Get behind, get back behind that panel! Barry Don't be shy! Please, we've all got one. That means I'm happy. Maurice Hey, stay away from me, I'm a celebrity! Jan Oh, good lord... Pastor Hide yourself, boy! I warn you, I'm armed and I'm not afraid to use it! Barry We've all got one, look how free I am. Mmm, the fan feels so good. I feel you. Maurice Hey, hey, Pastor Richards, please, put the gun away! Put it away! Pastor NO! I am the sole judge of truth and decency! Get back, heathen, get back! Barry I love you all. Pastor EVILDOER! DIE, DEVIL, DIE! A gunshot is heard. Barry moans in pain. Maurice Dios mio, you shot him! Th-there's blood and pubic hair all over the studio! Ladies and gentlemen, it is complete pandemonium here on Pressing Issues with me, the multi-award winning and soon-to-be-executed Maurice Chavez... Barry? Are you okay? Are you alive? Barry Stop the bleeding, it's down there... Maurice Uh, do I have to? Can't you get someone else? Jan faints. Maurice Jan! Ay, dios mio, she's fainted! Barry No. Hold it, harder! Oh, that's so good! I need mouth-to-mouth. Maurice, please, I might die. Maurice Erhm, okay. Excuse me, I'm only doing this to save your life, I don't want to. Barry Thanks, I'm getting cold. Quickly, it's okay to use tongues. Maurice EUGH! Get off of me, I'm happily divorced! Pastor Shall I send him to Hell, Maurice? Maurice Yes, I mean, no! No, you psychotic lunatic! Put that gun away, don't point it at me! Pastor Or you'll what, son? You think I'm scared of your conventional, lilly-livid morality? You think you can tell me what to do? You think it's wrong for me to have five concubines to spread my jeans, or to use money from the statue for building my own palace in Hawaii? You think that's wrong, do you son? Do you? Huh, huh, HUH?! Maurice (nervously) No, no no, Mr. Pastor! It's alright. I think it's very right. Very right indeed. You're the boss, you're in charge, you're the king! Pastor Damn right I am! Now I'll tell you about morality: morality is what I say is right and immorality is what I say is wrong! You gotta understand this. Maurice (clears throat) Oh, I do. Barry Ugh, I'm bleeding...I need a proctologist... Pastor Shut it! Now, next question. Ask me anything, ask me anything you want... Maurice Yeah, well I'd love to, but it seems that that is about all we have time for, actually. The thing is, you see, this is public radio, and every once in a while we need to appeal for money, or cut away when people start brandishing guns in the studio, like this! You're on Pressing Issues, and in this show we discussed morality. I think we've made a lot of progress and really came together. I'm Maurice Chavez, bye! Uh, please, don't kill me! The "Morality" segment ends and cuts to Jonathan and Michelle's pledge drive. Jonathan I hope you were enjoying Pressing Issues. I certainly was. Michelle Yes, it's almost as interesting as listening to you, Jonathan! Jonathan Wow, thanks Michelle. It is, isn't it? Before we let you get back to the show, I thought you'd like to know VCPR has managed to raise $30 this hour, which should keep us on the air for another...15 minutes, at least. Michelle Thankfully, due to the generosity of the people at Delio and Furax, the fascinating show Legal Review will still run. But now, back to the Pressing Issues. Jonathan Actually, before we let you get back to the show, I'd like to say something. I know that public radio may not seem very important in an era of poverty and famine and immense personal greed, but I can assure you it is, and not just because I say so. Look at the facts, 15 of the last 37 American presidents and 47 vice-presidents have appeared on VCPR in the last month. 33% of all Nobel Prize winners started out in public radio. Without public radio, we would never have discovered gravity, or the pizza, or the fact that a lot of people love to hear themselves rattle. Anyway, sermin over. I hope you folks at home understand how passionate we are about public radio, and it has nothing to do with the fact I got kicked off the networks. Michelle That was very moving, Jonathan. Back to the Pressing Issues. Where is the creep? Put him on!

感知和积极思考

Media:GTAVC_VCPR_Clip02.mp3	Perception and Positive Thinking. Click to play!
	感知和积极思考的辩论，耗费流量约5MB

涉及到的角色: Maurice Chavez, Jenny Louise Crab, Konstantinos Smith, and Jeremy Robard。仅提供英文台词。

台词

The "Perception and Positive Thinking" segment of Pressing Issues begins. Maurice Hello. As you may know, you're on VCPR, and this is Maurice Chavez. That is, I am Maurice Chavez. That's Cha-vehz, not Chaves, or Cha-viz, this isn't a game show. Sorry about the upbeat opening. This isn't a game show, it's a political and social debate on free radio, without adverts, and I'm still Maurice Chavez. Aye, next up on Pressing Issues, we tackle one of the most important issues in our country today: the issue of perception. Not credit card fraud, that's deception. But, we're talking about perception, how we percieve the world. These are optimistic times we're living in, a time of go-getters and doers. Our hero is the entrepreneur, the shaker and the maker. Positive thinking, we are told, is everything. Think it and we can do it, or can we? Let's press the issue. Now, personally, some days, I wake up and I look out the window, and I think it's great to be alive. Other days, like payday or my ex-wife's birthday, I want to hide under the pillows and cry. But that's me, a man of contradictions, as my therapist said. He was a youngie. But, whatever. I'm Maurice Chavez, and on our panel right now, we've got three very contrasting views about the issue of positive thinking. On my right, I have gothic artist, vampire hunter and, in his words, man of the night, Konstantinos Smith. Konstantinos, hello. Smith Greetings, mortal. I hope this is good, I'm missing a seance to be here. Maurice You don't sound excited to be here. Smith No, man, I'm mind-numbingly depressed. It's great. Maurice Okay, I'm going to have to interrupt you there. And on the left, I have positive thinker extraordinare, a man who dragged himself up from the gutter - Jeremy Robard. Jeremy Hey, the ghetto, not the gutter! I didn't live in the gutter, I lived in the ghetto! I'm a survivor, not vermin, I'm from the streets! Maurice Okay. Jeremy Hey, I can teach you how to be a survivor, too, all of you. I can help everyone. I've got what they call a gift for communications. I can help you all realize that gift, make something of yourselves, realize your dreams. I'm like a high school counsilor, I'll show you your potential, it's easy! All you have to do is follow my simple program on audio cassette or VHS. Maurice Okay, okay, not right now. This isn't a commercial. And if you're not going to underwrite the station, I can let you read these blatant plugs. People pay for that. Jeremy Hey, everything in life is an opportunity. When I was in jail, I got the idea for my current business, and look at me now, I got offices in Vice City, Bogota, Lebanese and Jamaica. If I can do it, I can help you make something of yourself. You can be just like me: a success. Maurice Eh, enough, enough, no more. Not a word from you until you are called upon again. Jeremy It's a three-stage process, Learn - Start - Doing. Maurice Shut up! I'm warning you, this is my show, you shut your mouth! Shut it now and keep it shut! Do not push me, you shiny-suited prick. Do not push me! Jeremy Hey, you have to dress to impress. I cover that in my program. People make judgements on who you are based on your appearance. Scientists say we form 98% of our opinions on the person in the first half-second we meet them. Hey, and if scientists say it, it must be true! I teach you how to live that. Maurice Enough! This is Pressing Issues, enough now, okay, enough, please, no more! Okay, my last panelist is someone without a plan to sell, without a program, but with a beautiful message, so it says here. Vice City's civilian of the year for 1985, Jenny Louise Crab. Jenny Hi, Maurice! This is such a lovely studio. Maurice Thanks. How are you doing? Jenny Great, great. (laughs) And that time, fantastic! Did you see the sunrise this morning? It was gorgeous. I've been smiling all day ever since! (laughs) Maurice (chuckling) Okay. Now, let's get with the policy of ladies first, and since you seem to be the most pleasant person here, Jenny, let's start with you. You seem like a very happy person. Jenny Oh, I am. (laughs) Maurice Really? Why? Jenny Well, life's great, isn't it? (laughs) I mean, good things come my way because I hold each one close, because I deserve it! Smith I bet you wouldn't be so cheery if you had the black plague. Jenny's living in a fictional world. Goths like me, we see the world for what it is: dark songs of the night, black nail polish, very tight black jeans, man. Jenny Like, everything is great. Well, like, well, like everything! Maurice Konstantinos, you're shaking your head. Smith I know, Maurice. I am. Maurice Any particular reason? Smith Yeah. Maurice What, then? Smith There's only one thing good about life. Maurice Uh-huh, and what's that? Smith Death. Maurice Death? Smith Yeah, and dying, that's good too. And black, and the moon. At least, when you're dead, you can go around as an astral body and visit places like New Orleans. I love New Orleans, it's really hot and depressing. Jenny Oh, death is good. Maurice Is it? Jenny Yeah! Maurice What? I-if you're going to inherit a lot of money? Jenny Yeah, no, I mean, yes! But also if you can be positive and upbeat about things. I mean, like, my parents were brutally murdered a few years ago, yeah, and I was really bothered, but I kept smiling and I got a lot out of it! I'm a much better person today having dealt with that. They were killed so I can have a great personal experience, and I see that now. Smith Lucky bastards, I wish someone would kill me, then I could hang out in the graveyard all the time instead of just on weekends. Jenny I know I'm really lucky to have the opportunity to learn about life. You can't control everything in life, so start a day with a smile and you'll end a day with one! Maurice What do you start a day with, Konstantinos? Smith Usually with a pint of blood at dusk, then I light some candles and cry. Jenny (softly laughs) Maurice Okay, moving on before we're all sick. Smith No, Maurice, I do, because I won't be constrained by you. Life is cheap, man, and then you die. If you prepare for the afterlife now, you will be able to summon spirits. That's the truth of the Pentagram, man. Maurice How profound. You've obviously got a lot of important things to tell the world. Smith The world is a lie, man. Only darkness is truth. I am very much like Vlad Dracula, born in 16-or 1431. Jenny (softly laughs) You're scaring me. I wish you would smile and be happy. Maurice Okay, right, this isn't going that well. Look, uh... Jeremy Hey, can I say something? Maurice No. I'm still pissed off with you, you shoulder-pad-wearing shyster. Jeremy Hey, hey, hey! Back down, buster, before I bust your balls! No confrontation. As they say in the movies: "I'm a man of peace, I'm done killing." Work with me. Maurice What do you want? A broken nose? Some spear in your eye? You're pushing me, man. I'm Maurice Chavez! Jeremy I know who you are. You used to be a clown. I saw you at a Bar Mitzvah once. You had a great act! What, did you get tired of kids kicking you in the shin? Still, you were a first-class talent! Maurice I was? Jeremy Yes, yes, great. But you lacked something. Maurice I did? Jeremy Yeah, confidence, friend, confidence. You were all shot up with nerves. Smith I'd like to be all shot up with embalming fluid. Maurice That can be arranged. We're talking about me, not Mr. Konstantinos Smith. Jeremy Yes, confidence, it's where it all begins: positive thinking. What are we talking about today, Maurice? Maurice (mumbling) I forget. Morality, no. Violence, no, (normal) the dirty guy without any clothes, yes, you're right! Positive thinking. Jeremy Exactly, friend. We're talking about you, Maurice Chavez. You couldn't cut it as a clown, but you're great, and I mean great as a public radio host! It takes a lot of work to be uppening your self-important all the time. Every cab I go in, the guys love you. Maurice Hey, thanks. Jeremy Hey, don't thank me, thank yourself. You've learned something, then you started something, and now you're doing it! That's what it's all about. Maurice It is? Jeremy Yes, you thought your way to success. It's a 3-step program based on studying successful people, like me. Or, maybe Learn - Start - Doing is a little too intense for you. Maybe you should just Think - Hold that thought - Complete. I never had anyone complain about that program. Maurice Stop that! Jeremy Hey, I engaged with you, friend, and you're exchanging with me. I cover this in my second tape. One is a positive action, as practised by successful people like salesmen or prostitutes, and the other is a negative action, as practised by failures like whiners and judges. Maurice What? Jeremy Stop interrupting me. You gotta open your ears and close your mouth. It's very important, I tell my old lady that all the time, I say "Hey, I don't want to hear no complaining! I come home with piles of cash every night and all you do is bitch. The learning starts in here and ends when we open this." Doing is a whole other story, but we'll come to that. Now, all you have to do is call me right away at 866-434-SELF, and for just one monthly payment, I will change your life forever, I promise you. I'll supply you with all the materials you'll need to completely change the way you see the world, guaranteed. Maurice Oh, s-stop, stop right now, this is a debate program, not an infomercial! Jeremy Hey, that's a great idea! Listen, friend, I mean this in a friendly way. Debating is a 'yes' or 'no' proposition. You need to open your mind to the maybes. We're discussing like friends, not debating like enemies. You see the difference? Jenny Yes, I do. I think it's so much fun to be on the radio. I'd listen more, but someone stole my radio when they killed my foster family. Smith I hate everyone, apart from the undead. They're the only ones you can really get along with. Jeremy Well, that's a start. But even you, Mr. Long-hair-and-pale-skin, I can change your outlook, guaranteed. Jenny That's so great, like puppies! Smith I saw some dead puppies once. Jenny Aw... Maurice Konstantinos, I've noticed you have a lot of negative thinking. Why the goth lifestyle? Smith Well, some say life is a tea party for zombies. Also, when you only wear black, everything matches. In fact, I'll keep wearing black until something darker comes along. It's a known fact that the best poetry is written when you're horribly depressed. Jenny Hey, listen, I wrote a haiku: "Oh the red daisy, flowers retain all happiness, sunshine, yay, sunshine!" (laughs) Jeremy You sound like you'd enjoy my program Motivate - Demonstrate - then Motivate Again! Nobody ever complained about that program. You hug people and you laugh like you never laughed before. Maurice Let's get back to the topic at hand, eh? I've had enough of this weirdness. Jenny, let's start with you. How do you maintain such a positive outlook on life? It says in your bio that some awful things have happened to you. Jenny I don't think anything awful has happened to me. Maurice But it says that your-yo-yo-yo-your parents were brutally murdered! Jenny Mommy? Where's mommy? She's just fine, she's probably taking a nap. (laughs) You're like my bad doll, Mr. Livingston, he's a bad doll, bad doll, not like my other dolls! My mom's great, though, thanks for asking. Maurice Okay, wow, you're psychotic and dosed up to the eyeballs on tranquilizers! Jenny If it's psychotic to be happy, then I guess I am! (laughs) Smith A stalagmite grows an inch every thousand years. That's slow and painful, that's how I wanna live my life. If you can't see the misery, stay out of the kitchen. You may have noticed this on a tattoo, it's Egyptian and represents the breath of life, even in the afterworld. It's my key to eternal life after death. Jeremy Hey, why don't you carry your keys in your pocket like everyone else? Smith Because only that which is burned or scratched into your flesh comes with you to the afterlife! Jeremy (chuckles) I bet my ex-wife will be there waiting for me in the afterlife, the bitch is crazy! Hey, can you put a hex on my ex-wife, like some kind of spooky voodoo or something? Smith I do dabble in the dark arts and magic. Jeremy I ain't talking about magic like pulling a rabbit out of your ass or pulling quarters out of your ears. I'm talking voodoo, you know, "dance around with a chicken" voodoo. That bitch was a grass. Smith Why does everyone assume that just because we're goths, we're weird? Jeremy I dunno, the hood, cane, black fingernail polish may have something to do with it. What is the last time you've seen the sun? Smith It's been over 18 years since I was out in open sunlight. I only leave the house if it's raining, or if I need milk. Jeremy Exactly. Listen, I was just like you at one time, except I didn't wear make-up. That would get you a firm beating where I grew up. I'm happy to give you a sample of my course Learn - Start - Doing. I promise you'll run out and buy some colored clothing and listen to some music other than people groaning on and on for half an hour about how much it rains in Manchester. Life is what you make of it. Look at me, I got a condo, a hot tub, a lot of girls... Smith Listen, you're really bringing me down, which is hard to do. I've been to the other side many times. Sometimes, I barely come back. It's all about astral projection, like right now, I'm projecting myself into the womens bathroom at the fairgrounds. Jeremy Hey, that's a good trick! Maybe you and I should go into business together. Maurice Oy, look, I've had enough of this lovefest. You, you're a motivational conman and you, you are a maniacally depressed loony with anemia. You guys should hate each other! Jenny Did you say Love Fist? These guys are so super. Listen, I just wrote another poem: "If I had a flower for every time I think of you, I'd walk forever in a garden". Maurice And I just wrote a poem too: "Shut up, you weird pathetic people, this is my show, Maurice Chavez!" Capisce? Comprende? We're not here to recite poetry or sell motivation tapes or talk to dead people. We're here to press the issue. Anyway, let's take a break. We'll be right back after this important information from Vice City Public Radio. The program takes a break and cuts to Jonathan and Michelle's pledge drive. Michelle That's Pressing Issues here on VCPR, Vice City Public Radio. If you haven't given money to VCPR and you're listening to this station, you are a thief! Jonathan That's right, Michelle! You might as well throw a brick through the window and loot the place. How selfish you people are? This is public radio, serving the public with everything that is important, like me. So, come on, keep us on air, it's really important. Michelle Send us your money! I'm going to say this over and over until you do. Jonathan Yes, Michelle is known for her "beg-a-thon tantrums". She cares about this station, unlike you! Think of how much money you spend on drive-thru fast-food and commemorative plates. Take that money right now and send it, direct to me, Jonathan Freeloader, Starfish Island, Vice City. Now, back to the show, with Maurice Chavez, the asshole. Michelle You're correct, he is an asshole. The program resumes to the "Perception and Positive Thinking" segment of Pressing Issues. Maurice I'm Maurice Chavez, welcome back. I used to be a performance clown, now I'm running a debate show. Funny how things turn out, eh? (chuckles) Or is it? That's the question, you see. If we look up on life as a positive experience, do we make it any better? That's what we're discussing right now here on Pressing Issues. Free radio with free ideas, just keep those donations pouring in, don't sell out to corporations, we all need a voice, really, we do! And today, right now, we're giving a voice to three very different people discussing positive thinking, a healthy mental attitude. We got a very happy orphan, (Jenny softly laughs) and we've got a motivational speaker with a number of systems. So, let's start with you, Konstantinos, you strange creepy creature of darkness. Have you got a positive mental attitude? Smith I like to think so. Maurice Oh, really? Smith Misery and suffering - it's everywhere, man. And I actively want a fatal disease. What bad can possibly happen to me? Maurice You could win the lottery. Smith The lottery? That's for people with hope. I don't enter the lottery. Maurice You could...damn! Y-you two, help me here! Jenny I think he's great, I think he's really sweet. I love your hair, it reminds me of a big shaggy dog with long, greasy straight hair. Jeremy You know, Chavez, this weird goth guy, he's got a point. I mean, in many ways, what he's talking about is covered in my 3-step program tape 17, "Motivate - Demonstrate - then Motivate Again Part 9: Facing Home Truths". You see, we all have to face up to a few home truths: I'll never be prom queen, Jenny will never have her parents, you'll never make it in the entertainment business. It's about realistic goals. I can change your life. Maurice Uh, just a second, Robard. What isn't covered in your 3-step program? What don't you talk about in your library of congress-sized tape cassette library? Whatever we talk about: greed, goths, depression, changing lives, who are you? What have you done that's so great? You wear a cheap suit, your hair is stuffed rigid with spray, your breath stinks of whiskey, you-you look like you sell drugs to people! You're a joke, boria, a bad joke! Jeremy Oh, now this is getting personal. I come on your cheap-ass show, I spare my valuable time, I cancel several important speaking engagements, I talked to thousands of VIPs in order to spread a message of hope, and this is how I get treated: I get insulted by a man with dandruff, I get slandered by a guy who couldn't amuse a birthday party of 9-year olds, I get attacked by a guy who works on a volunteer radio! Maurice This is not volunteer radio, I earn a salary! Jeremy How much? How much do you earn, Chavez, big man, tough guy with a microphone and a cheap jacket, and a look that says "My highest hope in life is to work in a bookstore"?! I'm a go-getter, you're a cheapskate. Maurice You're a fraud with nothing to tell people, and no way of helping people. Smith Excellent, I'm really loving this. I hope one of them gets killed. Jeremy Shut up, dork! Jenny Oh, the bunnies are stabbing each other! Jeremy Shut up! I have a condo, I have a hot tub, I vacation in Aruba... Maurice "Vacation" is not a verb, moron. Jeremy Yes, it is, because I'm a VIP! I'm very important, and I'm a teacher, a wiseman, not an opinionated dope, a naysayer sitting on his side of life, criticizing others while all he can do is get a crappy gig down at a moron station, a man who lives with his mother. Maurice I'm between apartments. Jeremy And I'm between mansions, buster, from helping people! You know how good it feels to be me? Do you have any idea, any idea at all how great it feels to wake up and realize you're a rich and talented important person, and in a waterbed with mirrors on the ceiling and more girls than you can imagine? And every time I step outside the door, I can choose which car to drive, if I choose to drive. I have 5 chauffeurs. Maurice No, you haven't! Jeremy Yes, I have! Jenny Sweep it under the carpet, that's my motto! (laughs) If I can't see it, it's not there! (laughs) Maurice Look, I hate to burst your bubble here, but I know you live in a very small apartment overlooking the gasworks. You ain't a big shot, you ain't even a medium shot, you're an asshole, a creepy jailbird, who doesn't know-! Jeremy Hey, I have a message! I can save lives, I'm a savior, my friend. I have a gift for communication, and this is how I get treated: I get insulted, I get paired with a pair of retards, a guy who's afraid of the sun and a girl dosed up to the eyeballs on antidepressants. Sweetheart, I can get you something much better. Jenny These pills are very strong today, maybe I took too much accidentally. Oh well! (laughs) Jeremy This chick is out of her mind! I thought I was gonna get to help people on the radio, to demonstrate my program, to help you, Chavez! Those people on the phone said you were a desperate, lonely man on the edge! Maurice Leave! Leave right now. Get out of my studio, go get your own radio show, go save some other people! Jeremy Hey, I'm not leaving till I have the opportunity to save people and sell some tapes. You can call right now and send in the money order. Soon, you can have a luxury condo and a waterbed, and a suit made in Singapore based on the latest Italian style. Maurice Enough! Enough, now, shut up! Jeremy Hey, vampire boy! I'll give you 20 bucks if you could put a hex on Chavez. Smith (as Jenny continuingly laughs) Dark forces, I summon you to me...banish these weaklings and mental inferior ones from my presence... Maurice Shut up! Jeremy No, you little snotty nose prick! Maurice What?! Jeremy Your shoes got lifts, buster, I can tell. Maurice Hey, lift this, hairspray! A smashing noise is heard. Jeremy Ow, my nose! Jenny Daddy, stop bleeding! Jeremy This costs a lot of money! I'll sue you into jail, asshole! Jenny Stop fighting, please! I hate it when we fight. Can't we have a group hug? Smith Hit me, man! I like it. Jeremy Oh, my damn nose... Maurice Oh, stop crying, baby boy! Who are you gonna tell, huh? Where's your 3-step program now? You think I'm a little wimp now? You wanna be rude about Pressing Issues now, eh? You think you a tough guy from the gutter now, huh, my friend? You think you can screw with me, with Maurice Chavez? Whatchu' thinking, asshole?! Jeremy I'm sorry, please don't hit me again, I love your show! Maurice Eh, phew, I think I understand this positive thinking! And that was Pressing Issues. I think we've covered a lot of ground, we learned all about how to press the issue, and remember: if at first you don't get hurt, hit the guy very hard in the face with a paperweight, it just worked for me, and I feel like a million dollars! Let's tell you a little bit more about exactly how public radio is financed and quality programs like Pressing Issues come on the air. Don't go away! The "Perception and Positive Thinking" segment ends and cuts to Jonathan and Michelle's pledge drive. Michelle That was Pressing Issues and this is Vice City Public Radio. We hope you're enjoying the show as much as you're about to enjoy listening to me and Jonathan Freeloader. Jonathan Hello, everybody. Michelle Hi, Jonathan, how are you? Jonathan Heartbroken, Michelle. Michelle Why, Jonathan, why? Jonathan Well, because it seems people just don't care anymore. I mean, where are people's priorities? We have campaigned tirelessly for public radio for literally months now, and the station is still in trouble, but a man with a hygeine problem puts on a pop concert and suddenly, everyone has money to hand over to starving kids they've never even met. I think it's a disgrace. Michelle Yes, people are very shallow. Jonathan Like you? Michelle Exactly like me, but radio is much more important than food. I have a good mind not to let them go back into Pressing Issues this time. You have to give us some money. It is a...it..it's a disaster, that's what it is! What's wrong with you people?! Please, we're struggling to pay for our second homes here! Jonathan And I've only had 3 vacations this year! Michelle You poor, poor man. Let's get on with the show. Remember: call now, please, we need your money, urgently!

公共安全

Media:GTAVC_VCPR_Clip03.mp3	Public Safety. Click to play!
	关于公共安全的辩论，耗费流量约8MB

涉及到的角色: Maurice Chavez, Alex Shrub, Callum Crayshaw, John F. Hickory。仅提供英文台词。

台词

The "Public Safety" segment of Pressing Issues begins. Maurice Thanks, guys. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to Pressing Issues on VCPR! That's Vice City Public Radio, radio which gives the public exactly what they want: high-quality educational programming about serious topics and the consistent reminder that the world is going to Hell in a handbasket if you don't give us money. Remember, Vice City Public Radio is commercial-free because it is funded entirely by donations from our listeners, and corporate sponsors. So, if you're enjoying the show, why not make a contribution? I'm Maurice Chavez, and this is Pressing Issues. Pressing Issues is a roundtable discussion group in which we ask self-important people exactly what they think about things and then they argue amongst themselves for a bit, before leaving with views more extreme than when they came in. Only joking, ladies and gentlemen! This is a show founded on the ancient Greek principle of enlightened debate and the American principle of free speech. Or is that the ancient Greek principle of feeding wisemen hemlock and the American principle of being annoying and loud so nobody can get a word of you? I forget. Only time will tell! Now, the subject we are discussing right now on Pressing Issues with me, Maurice Chavez, for your enlightenment and enjoyment, is a very serious one - public safety. In case you haven't noticed, Vice City is not a very safe place. These are troubled times. We are troubled people. Some would say we are people at war with ourselves, others would say we are at war with reality. Those who live in other countries and strive to own our fast-food restaurants and quick-e-marts would say we are a blood-thirsty bunch of crazies who let children buy guns from the supermarkets. Another opinion is that it is the fault of society, that, as Plato said, people don't mean to kill each other, it happens because they are poor, or desperate, or really thirsty, or in need of a vacation, or something. And now, their view is that we are all a little confused and really should stay at home, lock the doors and forget about everything as quickly as possible. So, let's press the issue, eh? Sitting at our panel right now, we have three divergent opinions, three separate islands of insanity in a rolling sea of stupidity, three wisemen following very different stars. To my right, eh, to everyone's right in fact, we have congressman Alex Shrub, the youngest state congressman ever to be elected by Vice City, and now a respected man in the capital. Mr. Shrub got elected because he has great hair and says things that make you nod your head. His campaign appealed to the wealthy because he set all of us at ease by finally confirming it's okay to be rich, as long as you say you care about the children. Mr. Shrub, welcome. Alex That's not entirely true, Maurice. My campaign also appealed to the poor...who are too stupid to understand what I'm saying, so I held up pretty pictures and I gave out candy bars to appeal to their most basest things. Thanks, Maurice, I'm glad to be given this opportunity to set the record straight. Maurice I haven't given you any opportunity yet, my heartless friend! Let me introduce my other guests first. Alex I hope this isn't gonna get personal. I love Vice City more than anyone and I can prove it. Maurice Yes, that's coming from the man who got elected by calling his opponent a "buffalo butt" and "a fat hen-pecked wimp that couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper bag". Anyway, our next guest is from the opposite end of the political spectrum, a man so wet, he looks like he just stepped out of the shower. Peace call activist, hippie consultaper, founder of the group "Speaking for the Underdog". He is fluent in 7 languages and studied the harp in Peru, Callum Crayshaw. Callum Hi, Maurice, hola, buenos días y noches, bonjour and bonjorno, wilkommen, hallo, hello, hi... Maurice Hey-ey-ey, let's stick to English, most of us struggle enough with that! Welcome to Pressing Issues. And, lastly, we have a man with a novel solution to the problems of public safety in Vice City. A solution so stupid, I cannot bring myself to explain it for him. Yet, like breakdancing, it is sadly catching on. A man who appears on this fine show because our previous know-it-all panelist was carjacked and is now at home, arming himself to the teeth. I give you John F. Hickory. John How y'all doin'? Maurice Indeed. So, before we get started, gentlemen, let me remind you of the rules of engagement. Here, on Pressing Issues, the #1 rated show on public radio in the Vice City area and hosted by me, Maurice Chavez, Pressing Issues is about free speech, not feeding each other hemlock, literally or metaphorically. John Hey, my daddy used to grow that stuff in back woods of Missouri, whoo-ee, I tell you what! Maurice Yes, thank you. I expect you to listen to each other, and I will only step in when necessary so people on the air don't forget what my voice sounds like. (chuckles) So, I want a clean fight, nothing below the belt or in the chops, and remember Maurice's motto, which a very wise man, my father, once told me: "If you listen, one day, you might be heard, and when in doubt, use the smell test". That's so important, I think, don't you? So, Congressman, let's start with you. Crime is up, people are scared to work the streets, nobody is taking public transportation, police morale is at an all-time low, everyone is killing and maiming and giving each other the finger, metaphorically speaking. Do you think the government is doing a good job? Alex Absolutely. Those statistics are interesting, but like all statistics, they are also irrelevant. Let me give you a better statistic, Chavez. In 1980, when I was elected, you were, according to the intelligence gathered on you, a man with no mission. You worked as a clown at birthday parties, corporate functions, Bar Mitzvahs and go-go bars. You, realizing that you were a hollow man that can only take on the personality of others, decided to become an actor, and despite going up for 17 auditions that year, you only got work as a fluffer in a sex-ed video. Your tax returns show that you earn less than $2000. Suffering from anxiety, you attended group therapy for a year and considered getting a sex change. An idiot liberal felt sorry for you, and now you host your own radio show, write a newspaper column that lines my bird cage, you got an ex-wife, an attractive girlfriend, although she's married to your best friend, and you're on top of the world. So, answer me this: can you really say that years of living under my administration have been bad for you? Maurice Erhm, eh, we're not talking about me. This is Pressing Issues, not Pressing Maurice. Callum Yes, excuse me if I may, can we get to the part where we press the issue? Alex You see? That's what's wrong with this city: liberals just wanna open the floodgates, let anyone in and make you, the ordinary hardworking men and women, pay for the pleasure. Well, you have my permission to beat them with sticks. We won't prosecute, you'd be doing us all a favor. Freeload, wig out, don't work, make love in the field and listen to rock and roll or whatever you call it. Meanwhile, Crayshaw, I know your father: he's made a lot of money, which makes him a great person, but for every good conservative, they end up having some wacko commie kid just back from a vacation in the Orient who wants to share. Go take that share and business to Cuba, Canada, or somewhere. I don't have a trustfund or a rich daddy, I know what it is to be poor and to look at the war from the other side, I slept my way to the top. John (clears throat) If you two would stop, uh, hootin' and carryin' on, I have a plan that will save Florida from the yellow-bellied snakes that wanna slither into this great state from all places north! Alex Oh, look, Stomp-Jumping Jethro is using all three of his braincells to talk. Maurice Enough! We've just started and you have proved yourself, Mr. Shrub, to be just as they said. I grant you, 1980 was not a high point in my career, but I never applied for a sex change. I was merely in an exploratory phase and besides which, Sal the Wheat-Free Clown was a funny act, once voted "Best Up-and-Coming Dietary-Restricted Comic Act" in the whole of Vice City! I tried to take it to the casquillos, but Mount Scary-Large was full. Besides, we're not talking about me, we're talking about you. Alex Actually, if I remember correctly, you didn't win. Mary the Meat-Free Mime won. In fact, under legislation, I am proposing all of you vegetarians would be kicked out of Vice City. We were given canines and bicuspids for a reason: to open packages of potato chips. Maurice Hey, don't get me wrong, I always hated that bitch! What's funny about a woman not eating a hamburger, or miming saving a chicken from the slaughterous hands, or her big act, "I am a milk cow, a lactating machine for your breakfast cereal"? How do you think a little kiddie enjoyed that on his birthday? Not very much! There were tears, not laughter, I can assure you. Vegetarian performance art must be stopped. John Jumping Jehoshaphat on a pogo stick, you city slickers got more issues than a newsstand! Can we talk about public safety here? I ain't got all day! Maurice What? Is there a corn on a cob eating contest you have to get to? Get some cheatlings and grits in the oven? You got a date with your sister, eh? John Hey, be nice, man. I just wanna talk a little politics and you made it all personal. Maurice Right, let's all stop bickering, especially you, Shrub, I've got my eye on you. Public confidence is at an all-time low, nobody feels safe anymore. Just the other night, I saw a man running amok with a gun shouting he needed to defend himself. Gun sales are up, book sales are down. What do you think, John F. Hickory? Please, press the issue. John Alright, that's better. Sticking to the matter at hand, well, it's quite simple, mister: immigration is to blame. People are flooding into our state from all over America. Trash! It's quite simple, they're bringing their high-falootin' uppity out-of-state ways and corruptin' the place, ruinin' it. That's why I and my organization propose we take Florida out of the union. We start anew as our own country and ban people from Missouri, or Kentucky, or Philadelphia, or any of them fancy places from setting foot on our soil. Alex You think what? (chuckles) Have you been snorting blocks? Have you read the Constitution? John Yeah, I sure have. It talks about freedom, freedom for Florida from the stench of people moving here to retire, or go on vacation. Build your own damn theme park and your own damn state! Florida theme parks is for Florida people only! That's what I say. I mean, I don't go to Alabama to visit a theme park, so why do they come here?! Maurice Mr. Hickory, your views are a little extreme. Plus, I don't believe there are theme parks in Alabama. John Then they should stop coming down my way and build Redneck Land or whatever! Them redneck hicks ain't got no class! My views ain't extreme, mister, they're common sense, and what a lot of people would say if they have the guts. If you keep lettin' people immigrate here from all over the so-called United States, guess what: there's no more room! We'll be piled on top of each other like they're in Australia! What we're gonna do soon is build a river. A river of freedom. A river of hope. A river which roams from the coast-to-coast and cuts us all from the 47 states of wasterels and bad influencers to the north. We are going to cut Florida off from the mainland of our oppressors and float out to sea. Then, the nation of Florida will be free to start over. There'll be no long-ass lines at the Log Flume or the pirate ship ride when I take over, you and the kids will be able to ride the rides all day! We will have a rollercoaster for each and every Florida family. Maurice You know, you're bordering on treason. What you are saying is a very naughty thing and only because here on Pressing Issues do we believe so wholeheartedly in free speech are we allowing it. John It's the truth, my friend, the damn truth. And before you start, I am not a racist, I hate everybody irrelevant of other issues, but I especially hate Yankees, by which I mean anyone from Georgia or further north. Build your own theme parks, buy your own sun, grow your own damn mosquito-infested swamp, pal! We're gonna build ourselves a river, FBI, CI-I don't give a damn, they can't stop us! You, Shrub, you yellow-bellied, tie-wearing, bribe-taking hypocrite, what have you done for Vice City up there in Washington?! Alex I've insured important tax breaks for gun retailers, real estate developers and I've cut the cost of policing, saving the city 2% or 25 cents per household over a 6-year period. Callum At the expense of society. Think of the little people. Poor people have no voice in this city. Every time I find a park to meditate in, someone brings in a bulldozer and builds condos. The madness must stop. Alex So, you suggest we just stop making babies? People need a place to park their boat and trailer and to put their swimming pool. You're beginning to sound red, and by that, I mean you prefer a hammer and sickle over a hamburger. Callum I'm not little, I'm 5'5. It's time for corporations and all of capitalism to step aside for naturalism. You're not saving this planet, you're spending it. Your credit is no good here! We can't afford to loan you any more of our nature, those are our trees! I only wish I could be around a little longer to enjoy it. I feel so old, someone must take my legacy, I must train a little me. Maurice How old are you? Callum I'm 23, but I feel much older and wiser. I know everything. I've seen a lot of the world. Alex What does the rest of the world have to tell us about how to do things? Build more trains? Have people elect their leader rather than an elite electoral college? Ride a bike to work like a girl scout or a clown with dietary concerns? No thanks, Vladimir! John I agree with that! People from other countries are good for nothin', that's why we have to keep teachin' them a lesson. I'll tell you what makes a real man: a truck to pull stuff and a couch to think on. Callum I'll tell you. Speaking as a sentualist, and by that, I mean a very narrow-minded id-centered man of peace, travel. I recently went to Europe. I think everyone should see it for a week. You really see what's wrong with this country when you visit a European utopia. Things like a journey, public transportation, healthcare, leather shorts, mustaches. When I went to Belize, I helped some villagers clear some land for an environmentally friendly coal mine. We've all got to make some sacrifices if we're going to get anywhere. My dad gave me the money to set up an exciting trust there. Maurice But how does that help the people in Vice City from worrying about whether they're gonna get robbed? What drives a man to just take? Callum What we need are more afterschool sports like choir or drama so people can learn to express themselves properly, by singing or pretending to be a tree. Have you ever heard of Welsing? It's a lonely form of beauty and some very ancient wisdom. Helping people to help themselves with drama and choir and flowers and my dad's money. Alex Listen, Trustfund Tommy, your ideas are pathetic! It's no wonder that mankind has woken up one day to find me in charge, amigo. Maurice Mr. Shrub, you got elected on a campaign promising to reduce taxes to zero, but under your stewardship, we've seen taxes go up by 20% and services decline! Alex Nobody is interested in your statistics, Chavez. Let me tell you something, pal, I'm better than that. I will not, I shall not, I cannot stoop to your level. They assured me this was a show that understood politics, where we can debate things mano-a-mano, and I find myself having statistics hurled at me like so much stale confetti. We cannot boil people down to numbers! You have no idea, my friend, what it takes to serve the sacrifices I've made to help my country, to help Vice City. The complexity of government, the-the hideousness of my wife and the way her thighs grow like our national denim! Oh, oh, sure, some people like that, but not me, it's a nightmare, my friend, and I-I have it thrown back at me by an ingrate like you... I could scarcely get up in the morning. Maurice And with that outrageous revelation, let's take a quick break to tell you something very informative. You're listening to Pressing Issues on Vice City Public Radio, over to you, Jonathan. The program takes a break and cuts to Jonathan and Michelle's pledge drive. Jonathan Hello and welcome back. I'm Jonathan Freeloader, and you're listening to VCPR. This portion of Pressing Issues is brought to you by Ammu-Nation, a proud supporter of public radio and our community. We hope you're enjoying Pressing Issues and the way it challenges your view of society. Unfortunately, public radio in Vice City is under pressure. That's because we're better than everyone! You can't hear this kind of hard-hitting, long, drawn-out programming anywhere else. But you have to give money. Michelle That's right, Jonathan, money is important. It can be exchanged for goods and services, like getting a hip replacement, or funding a starving child in Australia. Jonathan I feel all covered with flies right now! Call us, pledge your money, give 10% of your income, that's all we ask. And for that, you know everyone can be educated on the important things we discuss on VCPR. Michelle 10% is a really small amount. I remember when I was volunteering in Central America, to make myself appear less shallow, the native peoples would give you 10% of their land for a pair of mirrored sunglasses, and they would run around me, saying "¡Chicle, chicle!" which is Español for "pretty woman", it was very spiritual, like waves. Jonathan Absolutely. But remember, this radio station could disappear, the voice of unprofitable radio could be silenced. One day, you wake up, roll over, and she's gone. You go into the kitchen, there's a note sprawl, the sound of a taxi leaving in the distance, a thunderstorm rolls in, it's a metaphor for my haircut, or this pledge drive. Michelle Yes, the pledge drive. Become a member. Only members or people with radios can listen to this radio station. Now back to Pressing Issues. Jonathan Shouldn't we give out the phone number? Michelle Like I told the children at the library I volunteer at: "Look it up yourself, no, you can't go to the bathroom, and stop crying!" Jonathan That's good advice. Now back to Pressing Issues... The program resumes to the "Public Safety" segment of Pressing Issues. Maurice Welcome back to Pressing Issues with me, Maurice Chavez. On our panel, we got the secessionist lunatic John F. Hickory, liberal rich kid Callum Crayshaw and neo-fascist congressman Alex Shrub. Gentlemen, welcome back. Let's start with you, Mr. Hickory. Why the "F"? John For Florida. I'm a patriot, I've even got an orange grove tattooed all over my groin! Maurice Excellent, but back to the matter at hand, public safety. How do we get guns under control in this city? Callum By giving everyone hope, a dream of a better tomorrow, by encouraging people to grow their own root vegetables. What's the satisfaction of holding a gun in your hand when you could be hold a hoe, planting seeds in a peasant village? Alex Keep your hoes and seeds to yourself. We don't need gun control, if you read the Constitution, it's a sacred document that should not be changed. Under our Constitution, women couldn't vote, but the liberals come in crying crocodile tears. We need to get scaremongers and non-believous men like you, Chavez, under control. I've got a good mind to have your funding removed. Maurice We don't get any funding. Alex Exactly, well...good. You won't see a penny out of me. You've got to stop spreading these lies or I'll whip you myself, and I'm not afraid. The Constitution asserts a man's right to bear arms...and armed bears and all points in between. Whoever heard of a gun o-or a bear causing problems? This is all cocky-pop or whatever that word is...it keeps the place safe. Trouble is caused by unemployment, and unemployment comes from poor economic performance, and lazy people. If you had a job, would you steal a car? Of course not. And if you had a high-rise condo, a mistress, uh, and a seat on the board, would you run around graffitiing your name all over town and making a nuisance of yourself, spinning on your back and poppin' and lockin' and...? Not a hope. It's simple, if you don't have a job, starve, get out of my constituency, by force, if necessary, and starve. Maurice That is quite simple. Are you really saying that? Alex Of course I am. Vice City is a growing city. Of course, there gonna be some growing pains, but what I tell people is this: gather up your life savings, buy yourself a piece of swamp, drain it and get rid of the damn wildlife, then apply for planning permission. Pretty soon, you could have your own retirement community or a resort destination holiday place. You can start making money out of the boom, the Shrub-inspired boom, and enjoy the kind of thing sensible people have: personal bodyguards, massive fences, and a bigger collection of guns than the other guy. It stands the reason. John No, no, no, no! Keep them outta here, we do not want any more old folks! If there are any old people listening, go back to your homes! Florida does not want you! Please, die somewhere else. What's wrong with Nevada or Kansas? We want a river, we need a river, the freedom river! Maurice And what about the other crimes? It seems car crime, fashion crime, drugs, everything is on the rise! Callum Absolutely, of course it is! When I was in Uganda, people were poor, but they were happy. The more you have, the less you have. And that's kind of what I'm all about, their satisfaction in spending all day weaving a basket rather than just buying one at the store. At one point in Uganda, I saw a great lake of sand and a massive speaking dog. It was a dog of love, not of hate. It was a spirit journey. Maurice What are you talking about? Callum I'm talking about hopes, dreams, the magic of television, especially public television. Puppets can say what man cannot. Maurice Yes, but how will that stop people taking baseball bats and pounding the living crap out of each other as I saw in a mothers PTA group meeting recently?! Alex Baseball is our national sport, our national pasttime, joining together as men in order to reward the act of running around in a circle, I will thank you not to take its name in vain, Chavez. John I hate that spring training. Who do those guys think they are, comin' here and gettin' in the way, showing us no respect, drinkin' our orange juice and seducin' our womenfolk? Train in your own home, mister! Our national game down here, my friend, is digging. Digging a big ditch, a ditch of hope, which will flood into a river of freedom. So far, we've dug 17 feet, we're almost free, almost. When we are floatin' away in the Caribbean sea, free to roam things our way, singing "Kumbaya" in sunshine, no school, no tax, free barbecue and pinball for everyone, sophisticated entertainment! Maurice Yes, but what about the little guy? What about the guy who is standing there, saying "I like being part of America, I like it a lot! I get public radio, I can hear Maurice Chavez. I own a small one-bedroom home, a business selling flowers to people stuck in traffic, 3 or 4 radios, all turned on to VCPR, a dog, 15 ice cubes, but I don't feel safe, I'm worried about gangs!"? Alex Gangs are a myth put out by the liberal elite to patronize and demean the working man. I mean, what kind of right-minded youth from a poor background is gonna spend his time stealing things and posing in silly clothes when he could be getting ahead with a minimum wage job and making his parent proud? The dream of America is to live in a duplex and share a yard! Wh-why would anyone want to threaten that great future? Answer me that and I'll show you a green dog. Callum And Speaking for the Underdog, the foundation I set up with my trustfund, we believe gangs are a vaild expression of a people's identity, a grouping, a community within a community. Gangs are a way to be noticed in the boxy suburbs. You scream out, rather than urinate at the edge of your camp like a proud native. We spraypaint our names on the walls of the mall to ward off predators. Maurice And that's supposed to terrify people? Callum No, no. We believe passionately in non-violent solutions to life's problems. Gangs have to learn to love, to be inclusionary. We'd award badges to good gangs and give bad gangs a silly hat to wear. It would give people something to feel a part of. Kill with kindness, not a garden tool. Maurice Yes, but what about the guy getting beaten up on the street? Or the man having his motorcycle stolen? What about him? Callum Or her? Some of the best bikers are really women. Anyone can join our group. This is about poor people getting together. Maurice But your father owns half of Florida! How are you part of the working class? Callum Like I said, possessions are not important at all. I'll pick up a hitchhiker in my convertible any day. The other day, I picked up a young woman and we discussed the non-violent solution to war. We called it peace. Alex Your father is a great man, he's done more for the arms trade in this state than anyone else, myself included, and you shame him with the socialist, jiggery-pokery hootenanny. America needs hope, not songs that are supposed to send food to the poor. Songs will get you nowhere, this country needs something to aim for, like being rich and laughing at poor people, or being in government and laughing at the electrics. Maurice Now, now, Mr. Shrub, let's not make this personal. I appreciate your attempt to press the point, but we are here to press the issue. Vice City is in trouble, and I think we're not really providing any serious solutions. So far, we've got secessionism rearing its ugly head for the first time in a century and a half, we've got "ignore it" and we've got "give everyone a flower". You're all a little unrealistic, yes? Shrub, Callum and Hickory all argue inaudibly. Callum Maurice? Maurice Not to say overopinionated and moronic, Mr. Crayshaw, how do we stop people running amok in the city with machine guns and heavy artillery? Callum You've got to give a man a chance. Prisons are overflowing with wasted potential. Make the guilty men innocent once more, free them from themselves. Maurice How? How on Earth do you do that?! Callum Well, um...you could let them off. Maurice (sarcastically) Marvelous, great. That's a sensible plan. Callum Then they wouldn't be guilty anymore. Alex We've been doing that for years, you idiot! How do you think we keep prison costs down? It ain't by magic or cooking the books, we save that for education. But, as in most things, we and government are saving money so that you don't have to. When we spend less money on services, more goes to administration salaries and expenses, which helps make lives a lot less difficult for everybody. It's about sharing...sharing your taxes out amongst the select few, that's why I worked so hard at school, so I can reap the rewards now. Maurice Hmph, I thought you worked hard at school because the other kids laughed at you and called you a square. Alex T-that's a damn lie! They called me Wet Fart. Callum They called me the Bat, because my voice didn't break until I was 19. Maurice So, Mr. Shrub, I take it you don't believe in regulation? Alex I believe in giving people a chance, not tying them down with lots of needless regulations. The fact is business is run by moral people who won't do anything illegal or try to get rich quickly. Maurice But since you got elected, Vice City has been characterized by a government who cut aid to the poor, offered tax breaks to the rich, and paid people to dump toxic waste near schools. Alex Yes, we've made a lot of progress. Maurice And up on Capitol Hill, you were instrumental in pushing through a bill allowing the manufacture and sale of Giggle Cream, a dessert with potential lethal consequences. Alex Uh, not true. Only 23 people have died, and several of them probably deserved it. Maurice So, with people being set such a bad example by a big business, how are they supposed to respect each other, to act safely in society, and how are they policed by a demoralized and underfunded police force? Alex Well, I'm afraid that's apparently quite a difficult question, but my solution is easy: I'm gonna talk for a long time about a subject not in any way related and pretty soon, people forget all about it. I'll remind people I have a great haircut and that, under my stewardship, Vice City has had on average 15% better weather than before, while crime rates only go up if you don't turn the graph upside down. Turn it upside down, and they have halved. Halved, under me, Alex Shrub! Vote Shrub for President and you'll have a friendly face in the White House, a man you can trust, a local man who likes golf and laughing and photo opportunities at your store or place of business. Just send me a letter, I'll send you an automated, photocopied response. We call it democracy and that's where the money goes. Maurice Now, just a minute... Alex Don't interrupt, let me finish. Maurice But you're not... Alex This man won't let me speak. You, shortie, shut up and let me speak. I'm taller than him, ladies and gentlemen, by at least 3 inches, which means I'm a lot more respectable looking. Everyone knows politicians lie and steal and cheat, but at least with me in charge, you know I look good and I have a very superserious manner. Besides which, I've been abroad and I prefer it here because I'm a man of the people. Vote Shrub! You'll get richer and you won't feel guilty about it. Maurice Enough! We're running out of time, and you completely failed to answer the question. Alex I'm a professional, that's my job. Maurice Ugh. And Mr. Hickory, what about you? John Alright, these problems are typical of what happens with an open border to the north. The state is filling up with trash, people who can't tell the difference between a swamp and a marsh, guys who don't know the first thing about the legality of marrying within a family. That's why we need a river. People, I'm telling you, pick up your spades, go into your garden, start digging as deep and as far as you can! Pretty soon, the whole state will be flooded and ruined, and then, they'll have to leave! We must build a moat to the north or they will come down and ruin this great state! Maurice And Mr. Hickory, were you born in Florida? John (scoffs) What a stupid question, of all the cheek. Maurice Were you? John Of course not! No one's been born in Florida since 1877, but I've been here for 5 years, which is a very long time. Maurice Yes, it is, a very long time, almost as long as this show. Ladies and gentlemen, you're listening to Pressing Issues with me, Maurice Chavez, reciting over some of the least informed debate on the radio. In this episode of pressing the issue, we had Alex Shrub, Callum Crayshaw and John Florida Hickery discussing safety. I guess you've all got to make up your own minds. Should we be as wet as fish or a corrupt money-grabbing thief? Gentlemen, I feel we really got somewhere, and that Vice City and people everywhere know a lot more than they did before we began. And now, over to Jonathan and Melissa to talk about public radio in your area. The "Public Safety" segment ends and cuts to Jonathan and Michelle's pledge drive. Michelle You're listening to VCPR, the radio station for disoriented and unrealistic college professors who wear fuzzy sweaters and find everything terribly interesting. I'm Michelle Montanius. Jonathan And I'm Jonathan Freeloader. Public radio is very important. You may have hear my recent hour-long story about my hike in the park. Michelle That was fascinating, and very important for everyone, even the blind. Play a selection, Jonathan. Footsteps are faintly heard. Jonathan I think this is the part where I came to the big tree. Michelle I almost felt like I was there. You won't get this kind of nauseating detail on commercial radio, VCPR is 100% commercial-free. Absolutely nothing interrupts your enjoyment of our fine programming and abilty to tackle the important things, like Jonathan's walk in the park. But we need you. Think of yourself as a member of this station, except you aren't allowed in the doors, that's an important metaphor for life. Jonathan Yes, how wonderful would it be to own an hour of this radio station? We just got an enormous pledge from Farewell Ranch, that's great! Farewell Ranch is a great place to take your loved one, just dial 866-9-BURYME. Remember, VCPR is commercial- and interest-free. Donate your money now. Let's get back to Pressing Issues. The program loops back to the "Morality" segment of Pressing Issues.